Step into your Life

Yesterday I was cleaning my pantry and came across dried fruit that had gone stale. I thought the birds would enjoy it, so i flung it randomly in my yard. This morning after a sleepless night due to breathing problems,i rose just before day break with a fog hovering low across the golden field across from my home, and the leafless beauties standing like sleeping giants against the lavender gradation of winter sky I received a beautiful gift just as the sun crested, it was a flock of cardinals. I usually see one or two cardinals, but this morning at least a dozen, i have never seen this many brilliant ruby beauties in one place. They were cheerful and frenzied as the gobbled dried cherries, and other nourishment. My heart felt full, one of them landed on a limb close to my window, with the sun now illuminating it, as if to greet me, and I said thank you, thank you. The message that entered my mind " Get out of your head, and step into your life" It is clear to me that I have given too much power and time to guilt, resentment and sadness. I acknowledged those things, I have given them their time, their place, and now I need to move this life and heart forward. After this message from my Cardinal Friend. I looked to see what the Cardinal represented.

This is an internet image, i was too captivated to even think about my camera at the time. A balance of intuition, perseverance and strength, the cardinal is said to offer safe passage into the realm of personal power to realize one’s goals and dreams. The cardinal also represents passion and warmth as a totem symbol.

Glimmers in the Darkness

These last couple of months have been rather dark ones, as you know if you have read my previous post. There has been grief, hope, reflection, releasing. I saw a glimmer in the dark a reinforcement that there is a light entering this dark room, the glimmer is what i have been concentrating my thoughts and efforts on, this glimmer is growing day by day, this light is coming through a door I am trying desperately to keep open. When I gazed at the moon the other night, in the black sky, just a small little orb that looked like a pinhole of light in that darkest sky, it resonated that glimmer, that light that is always in the deepest dark, I am not saying I was in the deepest dark, because I have been lower, and I know that there are so many souls dealing with such pain and horror that I cannot fathom, but to us all I think if we can try to believe that once we let go of the darkness of deep pain, we can focus on the possibility that the blindness of it can be lifted and we can hang on that glimmer, until it becomes a light that holds you in the warmth of hope. In any shortcoming, or failure I have I can handle in the end if I have an opening, a chance, a glimmer of hope.

This has been a very introspective calm Holiday for me this year, and while a little melancholic it feels good to choose this. I hope this Holiday is offering you big glimmers, and at the very least a tiny glimmer to latch onto. Wishing a Blessed Season for All.

Dream

Last evening on a glorious full moon, i participated in Sage Goddess Full Moon & Yule Ritual on Spreecast. There was so much energy, so many participants. At the end of ritual Sage Goddess pulled cards for several lucky participants. She said she felt called to pull a card for me. My card was "Dream" My message "Your dreams have chosen you. Find fulfillment in pursuing your destiny. Perhaps that will be my word for 2014. Last nights ritual was on that very subject, gaining insight on what 2013 was about for you on a soul level, and looking into what 2014 held. I will keep looking forward, moving forward to the fulfillment I seek.

Stillness

That is what I feel lately, a stillness, not necessarily good or bad, but more the zen kind, aware of each breath, aware of each step, and feeling overwhelmed when I peak beyond that step, at a house that needs to be cleaned, and loose ends to tie. Stillness is what i can handle right now, no pressure on myself, because there is plenty of pressure without my giving any additional power. Just keep plugging along, checking in with my intuition. Making plans, taking even the smallest of actions toward that end, and calling it good, good for now. As long s i can do that, i will linger a bit longer in this stillness, Not to say i am letting myself off the hook, rather being gentle and understanding with myself, as long as there is movement, a forward momentum. I read something today, that I so needed to read by Hayley Sarah Here: http://www.hayleysarah.com/there-is-no-such-thing-as-forgiveness-only-understanding/ there is no such thing as forgiveness. only understanding. by Hayley Sarah on December 17, 2013 in on beyond, on bodies, on connection, on self love, stories life. she conspires with my heart and then says, ‘i see a fat blind spot, ready to be born’. and then she tests me. hard. heavy in the chest, explosive in spirit, reverberating angst through my being to see if it sticks. beliefs that don’t belong with me feel poisonous, but i was the one who drank them up to be taught this. (Very intense post you should read if it resonates) I suppose to sum it up in the most universal terms, i am taking one day at a time.

Lazy Sunday

I have been lazy for several days, trying to stay in from the frigid cold, next to a fire, under a quilt, with hot beverage, naughty snacks with too much sugar, savory meals seeking comfort on every level. I did venture out yesterday for a show I was doing with product, i like this little show, I do it every year, and it is for a good cause. This year was difficult, ice, snow, it was difficult to wake very early, dress in layers and head out on an icy day, to go to a show, i knew would be a long one, with little activity, as i would assume most people were also seeking comfort in their homes. I am glad I did it though, I needed to shake off the cobwebs. Today, a day i promised myself would be another indulgent day of lying about as payment for being a trooper yesterday, and while it is a lazy sunday. It is also needs to be a creative day. I cannot end this day, another day, trolling the internet, looking at everyones beautiful art and prose, perusing Etsy, and that demon facebook, why oh why, anyway. I realize that especially when I need to give my mind and my heart a rest, i look at everyone elses lives, and look for distractions, in the mean while, my little projects dreamt up over the last year, sit on a shelf. The internet is a wonderful thing, for connection, and information, but it is a distractor. I am just playing this afternoon, I will finish a tiny project I have been thinking about for a while. Little "dream keepers" I want to make. Altered art, as it were. in my most novice way, special to me none the less. Steve busy making another vintage style sideshow banner. A day of making adds a special energy to a home, dont you agree? The day will end, with me filling Etsy orders, I am so grateful for those, not just because it helps finance the life I am trying to create, it supports my dream, it reinforces that what I am doing means something and has value. I will also step outside myself and engage in a few random acts of kindness. The best medicine, i think for restlessness and a bit of wallowing. Hope you are having a cozy, blessed season.

Gratitude

Please check out SageGoddess gratitude giveaway. Such a beautiful generous offering. I have deep gratitude that I get to wake to today to heal, learn, uncover, and know my path. Visit Sagegoddess.com to learn about her generous give away, and view her wonderful offerings.

This photo is by Sage Goddess

Silenced

Let me once again say that Journey has been an immense gift to me, as well as the connection, and synchronicity that shows up in my life to validate the reality, and non reality we live in. I journeyed deeply into the lower underworld, looking for the beginning of this pain, looking for the buried deep burden. What was I shown here, a screen shot from events in my life from childhood. The theme, me with no voice, me being silenced. The silencer's were those who did not want to hear what a child had to say, those who exerted power and opinion like a weapon. Relationships where silence on certain issues was required to keep the peace. The dominating issue, which i will be honest has always been a comical one became serious in my viewing. When I was a child 5-6 years old, my teenage uncle would baby sit me. I would follow him, and annoy him, I would chatter. The more he tried to make me be quiet the more i would needle and annoy until he had enough he tied my hands and my feet, and put duct tape over my mouth, I have always laughed about this, because I knew I was badgering him, it never pained me, it never made me angry, but it has become a snap shot in my mind that represents the silencing of my voice. I can name it many things, i can tell you I am a quiet person by nature. That I am not competetive by nature, that I would rather let someone else shine, and I still believe these things. My need to be heard truly heard about things that matter most is where I truly need work. My willingness to battle when i am saying things that are not pleasing to the many strong heads, and broken hearts around me. This is just an observation, and a realization from the deepest part of my being. I lay to rest much sadness, regret and guilt in that journey, and so much more work to be done. I am thinking about my word for 2014 with Pixie's prompting. I will choose carefully. Have you chosen your word for 2014?

Black as Night

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Qt7DFLovvD8#t=316 https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Qt7DFLovvD8

The Ties that Bind

So many contradictions in life, the ties that bind you to your loves, can feel made of a strong unbreakable fiber woven of hopes, dreams, tears, a deep desire for the happiness and well being, and at the same time, it can be as delicate as a weakened silk thread. I think sometimes, so much pressure is put on that hearty cord, that it binds, and it suffers hairline fractures not detectable to the naked eye or the fearful heart, it breaks from the pressure, from insensitivity, unmet expectations, disappointments, betrayals, all real or imagined, it gets stressed, until it thins, your heart races, and you try to catch your breath and swallow hard, to hold on to that last little thread, it is still connected, so there is that. Something to build on, something to learn from, something real and raw. That is the hope. The hope that you can gain your footing, and you can thoughtfully, slowly, rebuild and weave new threads of trust, respect, space, being present, love, and light. The wonderful thing about this new light bearing thread is that it is lighter, but it is much stronger, it will hold you, and say gentle prayers for the greatest good, for the highest purpose. It will give comfort, and assurance to those brave enough to offer there thread for the weaving. Sometimes when the ties that bind finally break, it is a release, a stepping back, if one takes the opportunity, one can step back, take a deep breath. It is a challenge when you are a hurt damaged human, to not lash out, and place blame, and keep score. You have to understand that it will not be the same, but it can be better, because this new thread will start from a place of breaking open, and acceptance. I am holding my thread, with hope, and intent. I wont lie, there is also sadness and a grieving for something that is no more. But that thing it was made of before was being held together by glue that had no integrity, because it was made up of pain, and sadness, of keeping peace, of not rocking the boat. My boat has gotten rocked hard, and quite frankly I am not sure the storm is over, but when it is, I will be open, I can only control my openness and accept those I love where they are.

War Torn Heart

I have been walking around here, slowly, in a deep inward shadowy place, a place I must be for now. feeling as though I am barely functioning in this human body. Wondering if Saturday's event could have just been a nightmare. I mean did someone just say those things to me. ( i go back and read her email again just to make sure) Is this my karma. I moved slowly through the day, sleeping intermittently to give my brain a rest with the damning thoughts. I move methodically deep cleaning my kitchen, but at a snail pace as though i were moving in another dimension, stopping for naps, and the reading of Women Who Run with the Wolves, looking for some soul comfort, some words to jump up and smack me. To put a light on this path I am on at the moment seemingly stopped in my tracks. But I do know there is soul work, heavy soul work going on. You see some things will come out of this, i am going to spill my soul to my little sister today, as i have never done. I have done this for her, so I am hoping her heart will be open. I have been thinking about my Dad in this as well, and how i must reach out to him, his pain. I have been thinking about what I said Saturday about a Legacy of Estrangement, and looking back over the generations, it indeed is. Perhaps I can stop it with us, perhaps, i can figure out why this is happening, does it happen in every family?, i don't know. I thought if one or both of my children ever distanced themselves from me, it would be because I was smothering them with trying to "help" at every turn which is why I pulled away, to let them breathe, letting them call me for the most part. I never dreamed it would be because I created pain in them, and let them down, oh how that hurts, my heart feels like it will literally keep swelling, and just burst at the thought of it. I need my Dad right now, I need to try to heal that, I need to heal with my sister, we have done a lot of work, and we are so much closer than we were before, affection is there, she has told me every secret, shame, hope, fear, and i embraced it, and gave her support. I am hoping I can do the same, this is something I must share with her. I can imagine her reaction, but I will probably be wrong. My husband read my Tarot last night, and was confused by it, but I wasn't . It said I will need to dig deep, I will need to dig even though I feel like i am at the bottom and I can dig no further. I need to dig into my reserves for this. Healing can happen. I woke this morning, intentionally sleeping late, to avoid the reality of this pain. I sent my sister a message that i need her, that i have to talk to her, and she is the only one i can talk to. I will talk to her later today. I then turned on my computer, to Rebelle Society, and I read this: "We don’t, not any of us, get to this point clean. No. We’re all dirty and ragged. Rough edges and sharp corners. Fault lines and demolition zones. We’ve got tear gas riot squads aiming straight for the protest lines of our weary souls. Landmines in our chests that we trip over every time we try to hide from the terrifying tremble of our own war torn hearts....But it is your history that delivered you this roadmap of scars. Those healed wounds and their jagged edges are proof of your infinite ability to survive, to knit broken back to wholeness, to refuse that the end is every really the end... Make friends with your teardown. Do not run from your bar brawl for forgiveness. Sit with the times you’ve fucked up and the times you lost all and the days your redemption was delivered by the hand of the last person you ever expected to give anything but darkness. And through it all know that your walled up and torn down, graffiti-covered heart is still the most beautiful thing I have ever seen." Jeanette LeBlanc {peace.love.free} I SO NEED THIS TO BE TRUE. ARE YOU STRUGGLING RIGHT NOW?

Old Wounds

It's amazing no matter how much you think you have dug up, and put a light on the deepest darkest times, how they can flare up, and not just flare up when you think, and they dont always involve your own mental talk, your critical thinker, and they dont necessarily flare up when you are down. It can happen seemingly out of the blue, when you least expect it, like an emotional mugging when you feel harmonic and you are flying high. The reality is I carry a thorn, I dont think I can necessarily remove, because I dont live in a vacuum, I can work on myself, I can get to a good place, but when you carry that thorn for pain you have caused those that you love the most. I made a series of bad decision in the past, and the ones I hurt, there thorn is bigger, and that place is still raw. I have been moving through life the last couple of years, thinking that even though circumstances weren't ideal we were making it work, we were working through it, that all my love, and intentions were a salve for them. I apparently had blinders on, I was letting myself gloss over the pain of others, I was somehow unknowingly, hitting that thorn over and over. The people I was doing that to, didn't say anything, was there tension, yes some, but I apparently was blinded my own wants and needs, my need for this to be alright, to be forgiven, to be understood, to not be a villain. I guess it was easy to do, because I have always been a people pleaser, I did not recognize in this scenario that i was putting my needs before theirs in a negative way. Does any of this make sense to you? without knowing the details, probably not, so I am sorry to be rambly, but this is a deep seated issue that I share with really no one, and that is another issue in itself, that I don't feel that there is anyone that i can just bare it all to, other than my husband, and honestly, my pain hurts him deeply so I would rather not even have that discussion again. I think perhaps if I spoke to a psychologist, or a life coach, I need talk to an objective person. Because in a way I have resentment myself because this thing I did or rather did not do, I don't always feel that it warrants the level of discourse it has caused, I feel that the person it taking this too far, but again maybe I just dont want to accept the pain of it. I am sorry I probably shouldnt write here, when I feel gutted like this. Anyone my point is that this person was holding this in, continuing to build resentment, because even though i was being understanding I was not be sensitive enough to their needs, and the blew on me, went off on me, perhaps justifiably, i wish i would have seen the signs, I wish they would have stopped me and said, i feel that you are being a little insensitive, I am hurt, please dont say that or do that. After exhaustive crying, hurting, being told they are done, negotiating, they need time, and space, and will again open to me if I give them that. Why must I do this? why does it mean everything? it is my child. Have you made bad decisions as a parent, that you did not realize your child was carrying into adulthood? You walk a fine line, thinking it wasn't really that terrible, i mean it was bad, but not terrible, but it was to that child, especially a very sensitive child, it festered and grew until it became a wall. I have stepped away to a degree, i have let my daughters go out into the world to become their own women, perhaps more nurturing, more understanding was in order. How to you correct or rebuild at this time. That is what I am trying to figure out. The irony, I feel that this is a legacy, In a way my sister and I have done this to my father, my niece has done this to my sister, and now it is my turn. I really should have titled this " A Legacy of Estrangment" my own father was estranged from most of his family...where did it start, where does it end, how much karma is involved here?

COYOTE

Finally poured, honored, and just right. A complex blend of plant essence, to honor this wise playful one. He searches, hunts and plays in forest, canyons, scrubby brush and forbidden places.

Coyote hunts and roams gathering the scent of his travels on his coat. Moving low and wiley into the sage brush and cedar, taking a roll on the damp earth, releasing musk to attract his kind. Patchouli and cedar to honor the ancient wisdom of coyote, and Rose to honor this light hearted trickster. Coyote reminds us to be wise, and to never take ourselves too seriously. Pink clay on our paws, and yarrow to nurture and heal. The resins, plant essence, and herbs used in the creating of this soap evoke these images on my journeys with Coyote.

Forward Momentum

Forward momentum is keeping me going, and making me much more productive, which obviously is the point. When you are no longer on a Corporate schedule. When you are responsible for setting and meeting your own guidelines, and deadlines it is daunting, but very freeing. My forward momentum is picking up speed of its own. I had a meeting with a new customer yesterday, to add my product to their Eco Boutique in their Yoga Wellness Center. This pleases me on every level, and shows me that if I just keep moving forward, and working passionately on what I love that I can make this work. There may be periods where I do not feel movement, but meditation, intent, and action, even the smallest action will keep me from the "stuckness". I am so excited about the Native Spirit Collection if you cannot tell. The last to pour is the illusive tricky Coyote. I started blending a few nights ago, and realized that I was much lower on Patchouli than I though. It is on its way, the blend waiting for its final essential oil. Once it is poured, I will unveil them to you, and make them an offering here on my blog. They will of course be in my online shop as well. Do you find it peculiar that I have this need to keep the shop and this blog seperate. I do find it peculiar. Perhaps I feel raw and vulnerable here, and there I am passionate and assured. Any thoughts on the matter? My husband/partner thinks that I am a little silly, you know the whole "worried what other people will think" mentality and that what makes my offerings special is this side of me. The raw, vulnerable, healing, wild woman in me, and that people should see and make that connection. Something for me to further ponder.

RABBIT

Native Spirit Collection-Another offering - a scent narrative to honor nurturing abundant nature of Rabbit. Light hearted yet complex scent. Infused with plant essence, resins, and wonderful healing infusion. Rabbit creates, and explores in meadows, forest, and deep burrowing. Rabbit carries in his mouth, nose and fir the crisp green of meadow grass, a lingering essence of Lavender Field, and sage scrub of prairie. With wild energy Rabbit forages for wild carrot, wild parsley, and golden calendula petals to nurture and heal. Rabbit always moves forward even in fear, sharing his gift of utilizing our abilities and creativity to create abundance in our lives.

I honor you rabbit for moving in and through fear to create abundance.

OWL

Owl has been concocted, honored, imbued, and poured lovingly into is cedar mold. From my Native Spirit Collection, a scent narrative to honor Owl. A complex blend of plant essence, and infusions to honor wise all seeing OWL.

Owl's twilight exploration met with an intoxicating blend of resinous wood, floral blooming night jasmine glistening with a kiss from moon beam. A familiar in flight scent of Benzoin ozone accord. Healing Willow Bark Infusion. Deep lush green of vetiver reminiscent of forest floor. Alkanet for color of night sky. I honor Owl for wise guidance, and all seeing nature.

The Road

It does rise up. After my issues yesterday, and a wonderful edifying meditation, i picked myself up, and set out to find treasures, I found a few which will find new homes shortly. I trusted the road. I received a phone call while out from a Yoga studio opening an Eco Boutique locally (in my neck of the woods this is rare, and very exciting) Even more exciting and affirming to me, is that they want to carry my handmade products soaps, detox baths, etc... I am so thrilled. It is a light on this bumpy road. I so want to succeed at this life that i am choosing. A life that will require, my passion, attention, hard work and intent to elevate in all aspects of my life and journey. I was floating yesterday after that call, i dont know how big the order will be, i will find out Monday, but that is not the point, the point is that they are giving me a chance, we share a philosophy of natural healing and self care. I felt so good, I contacted a previous client of my husband via email. They have a phenomenal store carrying over the top furniture and art pieces. Steve has sold them a couple of pieces of his art a few months ago. I jokingly told him that I am going to manage his art career. I emailed his client and let them know he had a few new pieces. They immediately messaged me back, and said they lost his contact information, and were thrilled to hear from us, and that they are very interested, and want pics of the new work.

Believe me when you are now trying to do what you love, and make a living at it, it is a daunting task as many of you know, but what a great day. That stuff still creeps in, but I now have the tools to snuff it out, and hopefully, i will win the majority of the time at changing those voices, and that conversation in my head. Does this resonate with you? Let me know what is going on in your world, and your tools for meeting those challenges. P.S. I am so thankful for my online sisters, that make me feel held, and understood. When I see and read your blogs it shows me that it can be done, and done well.

This Morning

I now meditate at least 4-5 days a week like medicine, i take as needed, It will become a daily practice, but I am so grateful for the time to nurture myself in this way, to feed my psyche and my spirit in this way. This morning, last night i receive my severance check, and after getting taxed to death, it was quite a bit less than i thought, this has me in a bit of a spin, which i am trying to slow. The voice got an opening to creep in, and say, are you crazy? What are you going to do? Do you really think you can survive this? My answer, is yes in this moment I still choose to say yes, my physical reaction defies that sentiment, but still I say yes. Heavy burning of sage, and incense was required, intense meditation of intent and a calling of knowing to stop looking at the drop off, and feel the weight and vastness of claiming under my feet. Seeing that road, even that pot hole filled road rising up to meet me... I say yes, yes, yes. I say let me not only claim these things, Gratitude, Joy, Energy, Abundance, Gratitude, Prosperity, let me be these things for myself and the collective. My higher self is given the wheel, my light will illuminate my path.

BEAR

The idea? The meaning for me is a blessing, a guide, a way of wanting to be in this world. To follow the guides we have been provided with. Such great teachers, when we try to quiet our minds and open our hearts and beliefs. I wanted to honor with a scent narrative. I wanted to create a tangible that each time I use the soap or smell the soap, it is a prayer, a thank you, a vehicle to take me back to that state of mind, which Bear lead me to the answer. Why soap, it is the medium I work in, and where a lot of my passion lies. The complex scent will evoke the spirit, strength, and grounding of Bear.

Bear exploration of wood, streams, and canyons evokes images and awakens the senses. Bear Blend will be infused with plant essence, resins, and infusions to honor the lessons of Bear. Oakmoss and Vetiver from the damp forest floor, and ancient cedar and fir scratching post trees to mark the ancient way. A healing infusion of Bear Medicine and courting gift of Osha Root (Bear Medicine) Bear digs up, and eats Osha Root, rubs her coast and offers as a courting gift to other Bears. Deep resinous Myrrh for an ancient remembering and knowing of purpose and courage. A grinding and blending of Blackberry, and honey to nurture. This blend is intuitive and i am excited.

Sinking in

Last week was my first full week without normal daily grind of a corporate job. It was not however a normal week. I spent Monday taking my mother to Dr. appointments, Tuesday traveling to comfort loved ones when i heard that my father in law from my previous marriage died after long illness, Wednesday and Thursday are a complete blur of business, leading up to a large festival and a trunk show over the weekend. Now today so far is the first day of waking up, and having no obligations other than to myself, my home, and growing my passion. It is finally sinking in, little by little. Meditation has helped dramatically, to set the days intention, as well as my journey as a whole intention. A lesson in breathing, accepting, expanding. The seeds are planted snuggly in fertile soil, i will nurture them, and know that that this period of dormancy, and slow moving gentleness will blossom and bloom beyond my wildest dreams soon. Sinking in in a different way, to this season of building and planting the life I am meant to have. The life I choose. What are you planting and nurturing this season?

New Works Native Spirit

I am so very excited. I have been planning, and preparing for a new collection in my soap line. I have been planning since late summer. The making will begin next week when i return from festival. What am I working on you ask? It was important to me to create a line honoring the animal medicine that has been gently but profoundly guiding me on my journey. I wanted this to be an intuitive process and over the summer it became clear to me that this collection would be called "Native Spirit Collection" It would be a scent narrative or interpetation honoring what these animals represent to me, and honoring of the gifts they offer us, and Mother Earth. The animals I have chosen for this first series: BEAR RABBIT OWL COYOTE As soon as i made the decision, and these animals came to me, i immediately intuitively knew which plant essence, resins, and essential oils i would use for each, and what I wanted to capture. I blend intuitively, and i am by no means a master blender, but I think due to the intuitive and deep seated nature of my desire, it will work, and it will capture something beautiful. I will show my process which will be different than my normal process as every step and stage will be a journey of its own, with dreams, meditation, and sacred feminine touch.

Morning Meditation

Sage Incense Animal Skin to seat and connect Rattles crystals inbued Holding, honoring, tremendous gratitude. Gratitude, Joy, Abundance Energy. Acknowledgment of JOY ABUNDANCE GRATITUDE HEALTH ENERGY BEYOND MEASURE FOR US ALL. My older rattles will receive special adornment soon.

TURTLE MEDICINE

Today I was drawn to a beautiful piece of art, and had to have it, to hold it, to honor. I have always loved turtles, and have rescued a few. The fortitude and their commitment to get to their destination. My turtle rattle will be used in meditation and in journey. As it turns out my connection today was so very signifigant and timely with all of the scary yet exciting changes I am experiencing. I discovered today while searching the Turtle Totem that

Turtle symbolizes both new beginnings and endings. It is through the ending of something that allows space for something new to arise. This ending may be of an outer circumstance or a change or shift that occurs within ourselves. There may be a sense of loss or even grief over what has passed and yet it is through the energy of Turtle who is very long lived and thus very wise, that we can come to understand why something did need to leave our lives. Turtle can help lead us to that space where we can finally move on, to let go of what has been, celebrate it for the gifts it gave us and finally to turn and head for a new shore. Turtle Symbolism The turtle symbolism is characterized by the association with the Earth and earth symbols of groundedness and patience: Symbol of the world, of the Earth Ability to stay grounded, even in moments of disturbances and chaos Slowing down, pacing yourself Determination, persistence Emotional strength and understanding Ancient wisdom The turtle is also linked to the spirit of the water and the fluid nature of emotions

I CLAIM!

On this day, I claim: My Power My Abundance My Prosperity My Health My Joy My Energy With alignment, intention, meditation and knowing. These things already exist, I claim them. What are you claiming?

Waiting to exhale

Or waiting for my parachute to open....On some days it is like my life cant begin until I walk away from my corporate job, in a little over a week, but is also like, OMG, What am I thinking, breath, breath, chocolate, more chocolate. I am just a ball of nerves, holding my breath and struggling to find my peace, I know it is there, and i do find it in moments when I just carve out solitude and breath. In those anxious moments I quiver with the remembering of struggling in the past, and the tension that can create in a marriage. The sleepless nights. I tell myself, that was then and this is now, and there is a wish on my tongue, and that I have the ability, resources, and a goal. I know that I now have a well to draw from, and fertile soil which has been planted in. Times may get tough around here, but I will do my best to keep posting here, to give my self this journal to share with someone who needs to hear it, someone who can relate, someone who can teach, and lift me up (you know who you are) Be patient with me when I regress a bit and struggle, when my knowing becomes foggy, and my goal becomes blurry, and please revel with me when I am driven, and passioniate, and my clarity makes me feel divine. Yesterday, I felt like I held my breath and my heart the whole day squeezed tight. Test were hitting me hard any heavy (or so i convinced myself) testing the limits of my finances (which are small) and my resolve. Today I am home, being gentle with and nurturing myself. I am reading Women who runs with Wolves daily, and will share some nuggets with you later that have spoken to me, and let me know that even though I feel like i am falling flat, I am "feeding my psyche" and my spirit when i engage in reading, listening to, and talking about my light, all of our light, and the magic that we all are. We are so much greater than we can even imagine. Have a wonderful day! Snuggle up with a book, and a warm drink. Nap in the sun, walk in a beautiful place, spend quality time with furry friends. Much Love. Please share your thoughts and tools with me...

The Squeeze

I am literally a couple of weeks from my last day (in the cubicle hell) and I wont lie, even though I am not waivering on my goal and desire to stay away from that world I am having panic stricken days thrown in. because quite frankly I dont have a real safety net, but if i am honest with myself I do an invisible one, that i have to trust is there. I will use this blessing to nurture the seeds of my greatest wishes and goals. What I am experiencing right now is a squeeze, even though i refuse to let this event and the task ahead of me choke me back, it is much like squeezing a balloon, somethings gotta give! and what has been giving for me is something so very important to me, it is my eating habits, being in this body, honoring this body. I had done so well, felt so well, i felt healthy, fit, light, for a while. When I got back from Hawaii, and faced the idea of some of the challenges i was facing. It kicked in like an addict, craving carbs, sugar, just bad stuff. I have been stuffing my face, i will eat really healthy for the most the day, but its like i cannot over come this anxiety driven craving. As a result of this 8 pounds have been gained in the course of less than 2 months, I feel terrible. I physically feel terrible. I cannot do that injustice to myself, and I have to stop this train, because if i dont have my resolve and physical health in control, my ability to give my company everything i have will be diminished. And so it is, and so it shall begin. Do you feel the squeeze? Do you get one piece in order, and the other suffers? That balance word comes to mind, as well as getting the Alchemy right>>>

Dear Human

I don't know where this came from. My daughter found it and posted it. It again is synchronicity in my life. Most especially the unconditional love part, as that was really going to be what my post was about. QUOTE FROM WRITER COURTNEY A WALSH After I had my "tune up" as it were as i discussed in my last post. Gail told me that I would have lucid dreams and visions, and that i needed to pay close attention to them. As I left the session, a hawk flew low directly in front of my truck for a while. It felt like a confirmation that I was indeed open and a receiver. I will tell you that I have not seen my father in about 4 years, and that prior to seeing him that one day, i did not see him for at least 2 years. My dad is a troubled, wandering man with many demons, and quite frankly he is toxic. He realizes this, and I believe he chooses not to be in our lives for this reason, and right or wrong, i do honor that. Or at least that is what it feels like, perhaps i am really hiding, and relieved to not have to deal with the fire storm that is my dad. I love my dad, he is severely bi polar and was not diagnosed until i was an adult. He made things difficult always, he made you make impossible decisions, and choices, he questioned your every move and motive, but he was also another man, a man who would not lie, a man with pride, and a very strong work ethic. In the wee hours of morning, i had a dream, a very brief dream, it was my dad, he wasn't the drained pained man i saw the last time we met, he was the father of my childhood, in his highest form, he was healthy, strong and patient. You see my sister, and my daughters, have put it at my feet to find my father, i don't know where he is, none of us have seen or heard from him in a few years. (That sounds terrible I know) I have been looking lately checking with family members that he alienated us from when we were children intentionally (too long of a story) Waiting to hear back from them, so if perhaps one of them has seen or heard from him. Back to my dream, my dad walked up to me, and he said what is it that you need from me? I said I need (2) things from you, i need unconditional love, and the 2nd thing eludes me, it is driving me a little crazy. The not knowing, because I do know somewhere, is it for him to be normal??? To be available?? to be healthy??? I don't know. And i questioned today perhaps i need to give myself the unconditional love i seek from this man. My dad always told me from the time i was little "never forget, that no one will ever love you as much as I do" The duality of this man confounds me still. Anyway, when this popped up this post Dear Human, it spoke to me. I think it is correct, am I really here for, and do I really need earthly unconditional love. I believe it is true that i came from and will go back to Unconditional love. So this walk of sometimes crawling, trudging, running, leaping and flying is enough in itself.

Ancient Tools Sacred Alchemy

Synchronicity and alignment tools, have been presenting themselves to me with frequency. The Universe is offering ancient tools toward my spiritual alignment, assisting me to light the path on this traverse of new territory that I feel so good, and so terrified of at the same time. All is as it should be in this moment. I treated myself to sound therapy with Gail of Tuning the world at http://www.tuningtheworld.biz/. Gail has been on a fascinating and wonderful journey to ancient sites, opening herself to the energy those sacred spaces, in Peru, Mexico, and most recently Costa Rica. I did not set out seeking her services, but as luck, or the Universe would have it, I met Gail through a friend of my mother, and she was gracious enough to see me at the last minute the afternoon before she left again on her sacred walk. It was wonderful medicine, it resonated with me on every level, I have been working on Chakra for several months now. The session with Gail, and her tuning forks, spiritual guidance, insight, validated my feelings concerning the condition of my Chakra, and the also validated that my intention and work has been fruitful. If you are interested in this type of assistance to assist in self healing, i highly recommend it. If you do not feel drawn to this type of energy work that is understandable. This area energy work may not be needed or desired by you, but if you are thinking about it, or are curious I would definitely check it out. Just find a good practitioner that you feel a connection with and with good feedback. HOW IT WORKS Each Solfeggio fork is calibrated with a chakra frequency Tone, frequency and vibration balance our disturbed equilibrium Stimulating new energy Rasing our vibratory frequency Sound patterning through vibrations of re newed energy re pattern the body's physiology Promoting self healing I have to tell you when I had the session with Gail, it felt like a very futuristic, yet at the same time felt ancient, but mostly it just felt right to seek this energetic alignment. Have you had any experiences you would like to share about this subject, or any tools you use that you would like to share? I would love to hear.

Soul Food BREATH OF LIFE

ALOHA KE AKUA IN HAWAIIN, MEANS GOD IS LOVE, OR BREATH OF LIFE I HOPE YOU WILL TAKE THE TIME OUT TO ABSORB YOURSELF FOR A FEW MINUTES. A BEAUTIFUL PRAYER A BEAUTIFUL MEDITATION. NAHKO BEAR TOUCHES MY SOUL.

IT MATTERS!

This past week was a hard one, a real test of my resolve on a lot of issues. A week filled with difficult ridiculous stressful issues, that by Friday had me a shaky ball of anxiety about to blow. I voiced this vulnerability to DH and he provided what i needed- extreme understanding, kindness and love, Thankfully. If you read my last couple of post, you know that i am delving into pursuing my passion full time soon, and for a while. I am sure that this leap contributed to my week of anxiety last week. I make natural handmade body products, soaps, lotions, balms, and potions with passion, and intent. I know what it means to me, and how much i put into it, but I sometimes question if i am putting too much faith in my creation, a lot of people are doing what i am doing, am i really adding anything? Do people really care about what I am trying to provide, what i am trying to do? with everything going on in the world, does it really matter? This past weekend, i set up at an Art Festival, many many people came into my booth, many lovely people that were very kind, and then an older man came in, full of light, and energy, mine was waining, he questioned me about my ingredients and processes, we talked, he lit up, clapped his hands, and proceeded to buy tons of soaps, oils etc... I went to give him his change of about 15.00 and he refused to take it. He looked me in the eye, and he said "I need for you to know that what you are doing matters, that what you are doing is important" He said "You are so thoughtful and conscientious, and that is rare, i want to acknowledge and reward that, i appreciate you" I thought I was going to cry. These are things i try to say to myself to keep myself encouraged. Dont get me wrong, i have many wonderful customers and they are very complimentary, and happy, but the intensity of this interaction. I can tell you he was sent to me to assure that i know that i am on the right path at this moment. I will never forget those words, i can't, because it does matter. I love when Angels show up, at just the right time, and leave a little of their light behind. I strive to be that for someone else.

Aloha, in every way

I scrimped, saved, stressed and dreamed of this trip with my family since winter. It seems so strange to take this vacation when I just found out that i would no longer be gainfully employed, but the plans were made, and tickets bought, and somehow it just seemed fitting. The wonderful Aloha, the hello and the goodbye in our lives, the cycles, death and re-birth. It was really good, and magical in so many ways, my daughters, my sister (got married there) the reason for the trip, my mother, and a few other family members. Hubby stayed behind to take care of our zoo, ha! but he was good with it.  We spent a beautiful week there. I have said it before, but when i am with my blood women there is so much laughter, so many tears, so much cleared air, a knowing and understanding that baffles me and enchants me. 

I had a tarot reading last night, some times i feel with great certainty that i am on the right track, even it is terrifying and unorthodox, the anxiety will settle, and the tarot just lets me know that maybe i am not crazy, that my path is not pie in the sky, that it is magic, if i believe magic can happen, and I so do... wish me luck and prayers on my journey of sustainability, of creating, making, challenging myself in whole new ways.  One phrase keeps repeating in my head, it started as a whisper a few months ago, and since I found out that i was being layed off, it is a strong, confident, defiant " I get to choose" I get to choose what this life looks like. How many of us spend so many years, thinking of what we would have to "give up" to go back to the simple basics of living, that it is just a fantasy that is unattainable, because we have to live in a certain neighborhood, drive a certain car, and keep up appearances of a "successful person" I just never felt like i could jump off that hamster wheel, but again, I get to choose, as long as i am willing to trust that i can handle what ever may fall at my feet.  

This will be the greatest trial to rid myself of scarcity thinking, my thinking will have to change, the dialogue in my head will have to quiet into an acceptance, i will have to occasionally re assure my hubby, that it is okay, that the bank account looks like nearly nothing, but that the path will rise up, because we are talented and resourceful, we all are, if we tap into it.  

A DOOR CLOSES, AND A DOOR OPENS

Also, known as the Universe Aligns once again.....

I think many, many people have the syndrome that I have. We want, dream, desire the life creative, and meaningful, spiritual, artistic, wherein we call the shots. The Syndrome, the flourescent light world, the pay check to pay check world that seems to dictate, what we will do with our time. That damn hamster wheel that wont stop spinning long enough for you to jump off of it. Your heart beating faster yet, mine is....

I like to think in dreams and fantasies, because the absurdity of saying out loud to many people I know would just sound too ridiculous??  I mean when one of my friends, or aquaintances ask me what i would rather be doing, or what my dream "JOB" would look like, i chuckle, saying just dreaming here and my silly fantasy would be - Living a hippie life, living an artist life filled with ME calling the shots, about what my day and what my life looks like on a daily basis. Me not having to answer to the "Man" at every turn. It would involve this:

Living in the country (done)
surrounded by animals (done)
no mortgage payment (done)
with my love that understands and is fully (99% on board) (done)
Waking daily to do the work/creation i choose whether is be - painting, making body products naturally and lovingly, baking, on the hunt for treasure in barns, junk shops, yard sales and finding a new owner for said treasure online or at market. (50% there)
setting up our wares at festivals all over the place (25% there)    
spending meaningful time, with the earth, people I Love
spending meaningful time for self care, self love (the ongoing journey)

The point to my story, is that when I sent all these desires out the Universe, I stated it, I wish, I dream, and I always think Yeah, well wouldnt that be nice, if you didnt have to go and earn a steady reliable pay check, so that you dont run the risk, of I dont know maybe starving, living without electricity a vehicle, that is when i think, wow I should be thankful that i have a job that I don't hate, and when i realize that I did not yet have the guts to walk away from a well paying corporate job, that does not cause me a lot of stress, i mean that is not easy to find right, yes, it is mind numbingly boring, yes it goes against what I want for my life, but it pays the bills. I recently thought until that door closes, a new door cannot open, a leap of faith cannot be taken, and then i turn up the radio, and prepare my mind, for my long drive, and my long day that do not belong to me.

As you can see from my list above I am relatively well along on part of my dream. I used to wish, pray, dream of a house in the country, mortgage free surrounded by animals, and not know at all how I could make that happened, the Universe aligned then to, and almost 5 years ago I got a call from my aunts my aunts, who are huge animal advocates, my aunts who are aging, and need a different life, they need to be released from the responsibilities of the animals that they have responsibly rescued over the years, the aging animals still with them, the three acres that they are struggling to maintain, the modest home that is more than they need. They had an idea, and they thought of me, I wanted to live in the country, and i was a huge animal lover, would i consider walking away from my City home (with mortgage) to move out 50 miles to their home, so they can buy a condo in the City and travel and be close to their Doctors.

Hell Yessss! Who wouldnt, well I am sure many people wouldn't, but you just handed me my dream, and you know what, the wonderful thing was, I kinda handed them theres to, walk away no strings, knowing that what you built, and loved, would be well cared for and loved.

A deed a move, and a new animal family later, we have a very blended animal family, 4 dogs and a cat from the City and all their country brothers and sisters  My little City critter were/are in heaven, they act like there on an exploration every day, checking out every rabbit hole, every inch of fence line, and every tree.

The goats, dogs, cats, chickens are very happy and make my life a joy. I kind of got of track there but not really, i am trying to express to you, that all I did want talk about, dream about, fantasize, and the Universe aligned, i mean how many times does that happen. We dont live a luxurious life by any stretch of the imagination, we still struggle. I still have to drive 100 miles round trip back into the City for my corporate drive.

And then.....Something started happening, the Art my Artist husband had been working on, which was not selling well, all of the sudden he sold all of it in 2 days to 2 different stores!!!!!!!!!!!!! I told him when we moved out here that I wanted him to stay home, make art, make our body products, care for our property, and he did. Every few months he questions this decision because he doesnt feel that the art the soap, and his junk picking (Etsy Ebay, etc...) are pulling his weight, and he should go get a real job, and I keep saying wait, because he was miserable in the "real world", he kept making art, and he was getting discouraged, people loved it, but it was large pieces, and expensive.  When he sold several pieces in one day, it was a sign to me that we need to keep doing what we are doing. I thought it was interesting that not only all of the pieces sold in one evening, but that they sold within a few days of him starting to work on turning a building on our property into an art studio, intention with action maybe,,,, I think the Universe likes that, ha!

I really am getting to a point here.....The company I work for, well it was just sold and will be gobbled up into another company, i wont lie, i felt an anxiety, a dread.  I got called in and told that there was a merger, and that 80% of staff was being laid off. That my last day will be November 1 2013, and that i will get a severance package. Not a big one, but a couple of months to breath.

All of the sudden, I felt the door close, and I immediately felt a door open, a sense of release swept over me, i felt literally released from servitude. I immediately thought, my dream can begin, my choosing my each day can begin. I will walk through this door, and do my best to make this dream life my own.

I will get rid of as may trappings as i can, and i will wake each day with a plan on my own terms. I will spend days and evenings in my soap room, or in the art room, or in a dusty barn someone digging, or maybe  in a new City at a festival selling my creations, our creations.

I would like to say that anyone can choose, I just needed a doorway to open, and things to align, sometimes these things, most of the time, these things happen in spite of me. Just because I dream and fantasize about the possibilities. For most like myself i would think there has to be a willingness to make sacrifices, like doing without certain things that we in society look at like necessities, you have to be willing to walk into fear, to let go of some comforts, to trust yourself, luckily the scariest part of that was taken out of my hands, and the Universe said well I have removed this obstacle, lets see what you can make of it......

I want to hear your story. I want to hear your dream, your desire for your life, even if you dont see how it could possibly happen, or it could possibly work, speak it. Tell me I truly want to hear it. 

Will this work out for me, it feels right, we will see. And please don't view this as boasting, because it is damn scary, and my life is very simple my home is simple. I just want you to witness for me the ups and downs of this journey, and let me know that i am not alone, and that I should not regret being a dreamer.  

P.S. They probably thought I lost my mind at work, when they told me, and I heard angels sing, saw a door open, and got the biggest smile on my face, I may have even said thank you.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?” 
― Mary Oliver, New and Selected Poems

Magical Food for your Soul

This video is 15 minutes long, but it is awe inspiring and pure magic. Feed your soul.

CHAKRA WORK BY A NOVICE- SACRAL CHAKRA

I have been generally aware of my Chakras as a whole during meditation. I have never worked individually on my chakra, or been completely aware of their individual purpose and meaning. For those of you with a developed deep awareness of this, this post will not hold much interest for your I am sure. My first short meditation started with my Sacral Chakra located a few inches below your navel. This Chakra is orange.

Here is just a litttle information with regard to what the Sacral Chakra controls:

When in balance the sacral chakra offers us; Self Respect, self esteem, confidence in our abilities, a sense of freedom.
Imbalances are caused by restriction, Withdrawn behaviour/wanting to withdraw, destructive feelings, dependency, waiting, Low self esteem, low sex drive, difficulty communicating with other people (particularly the opposite sex). Denial of pleasure (not just sex), Martyr behaviour.



When I started working on the sacral chakra, it felt like quite the accident, no intention initially, and it was brief. I visualized the orange disc, spinning, I noticed it was spinning very slowly, it was a dull orange color, a little muddy. Following a guided meditation I pictured the SC and imagined it enveloped in light, white light, the green light of healing, a violet light, a golden light, and back to a white light. The meditation was dealing with intimate relationship with your partner, as well as relationship to money, I was interested in this due to the fact that I have a tendency to push money away on some level, which goes back to my Deserve Post. I realized that it also goes back to a vulnerability. You really cannot in my opionion experience an acceptance of affection, and abundance without a degree of vulnerability, and perhaps a childlike ability to not question whether you are worthy. I knew the sacral chakra dealt with relationships to a degree, and issues surrounding those relationships.  I am sorry to again be so lengthy and rambly here, but on I go, and I must back up a bit. There have been many changes in my work environment new people on board that i do not mesh well with, to the point of me putting up a wall and building resentment towards others as I found their energy and way of being off putting. It was likely uncomfortable for everyone as I limited my interaction. It made me angry at myself that i chose my old "shut down" method of dealing, but their energy seemed so strong and agressive that i felt assaulted by it.  Okay now I am getting to the point here.  After spending that brief 15 minutes meditating and working on my sacral chakra, i came to work the very next day, and through no consciouss decision on my own, i felt a lightness, like magic all those resentments, anger, heaviness had somehow fallen away. I not only dropped all those walls and feelings, i actually let them see me, and let myself truly see them. The only thing I can attribute this to, was my brief work on the sacral C, healing those wounds that were there already, letting myself be vulnerable and trusting that my energy was strong enough, and light enough to not be damaged by others. 

I want to do more intense work on my chakra, using crystal healing, as well as essential oils to maximize. 

I am really interested in literally getting to the root. I have started working on my root chakra, and will spend a good amount of time on this, as I truly do want to deal with issues that are holding me back, and welcome abundance and trust into my life. My work started this weekend, getting back into nature, mountain biking.  I will discuss the Root Chakra next post.

DESERVE

DE-SERVE

Do something or have or show qualities worthy of (reward or punishment).

There are still many shadows I hold that are perhaps unresolved. This creates confusion for me in the sense of questioning my needs and wants, against the rest of society.  For instance, I feel a sense of entitlement is wrong. 

Which leads to question what the real difference is between a sense of entitlement, and a sense of deserving. Many times in my life i have struggled and fought for certain things. I am talking about basics of living a simple life, with a reliable vehicle, a modest home, consistency for my children etc....Perhaps at those times I have thought damn it, I deserve this.  One time that particularly springs to mind, would be when my very old car, which was slowly falling apart, finally had the air go out.  I was driving this car, in Texas heat 100 mile round trip per day, just dying. 

I finally got fed up, and realized and said to myself I absolutely deserve a decent vehicle that is comfortable with air condition, pretty basic right. 

It really takes me feeling beat down, over worked, and emotionally drained to get to a point of feeling that I am deserving. I had people in my past tell me that it appeared to them that I had a self loathing going on, wherein i felt like I did not deserve anything, and that i would more often than not, settle.....

This is a new day, but again those shadows, and triggers still pop up. I have noticed that people i have met and know that appear to have a sense of "entitlement" generally have their needs met. They never question if they deserve anything, it is a given.  

I thought I had resolve this issue in my mind, something I have been working on. Not asking my self if i deserve something. 

Oddly enough, in the silliest way, it popped up again, and it made me mad at myself, and again is so puzzling to me. 

I saw a contest to win a trip to Australia. I don't normally enter contest, but I thought what the heck. To my surprise, it was a more than provide your information contest. They wanted to you write an essay about why you think you deserve this trip. 

I stared at the question, my heart and brain locked up. Hmmm.....well I started writing and it felt so fake, I finally realized, that I don't deserve this trip, but why dont I deserve this trip, my mind starts racing, and I thought, there is a soldier out there, whose dream is to go to Australia, there is a family here and perhaps they havent seen their Australian family in years,  There is a dying person that wants nothing more than to spend time there, there is a extremely charitable, giving, selfless person that deserves this, and I am none of those people.  Needless to say it became clear to me that I had no business entering the contest.  

I have always wanted to go to Australia, but deserve????? Why is that such a huge word to me. I dont like the word, it kind of excludes us who feel that life is not about deserve. I don't  like it, because it makes me question something i dont want to question. Perhaps if I felt like I deserve, I would see more abundance in my life........

I guess what I am getting at here, is the weight of that word, and does it weigh on other people the way it does on me, and should it??? Should I accept that it is not about deserve, or should I learn that perhaps I need to learn to re define that word. 

 

This seems like something that should be so elementary, but I cannot really get a good grasp on it. Like something is missing in my genetic make up. Would love your imput. 

Sorry for the long rambly post about something so trivial, but keeps coming up for me. 

Solstice and Vulnerability

One definition: capable of being physically or emotionally wounded.  In turn I would stand to reason that when one is vulnerable and allows one self to be wounded, that great transformations can be achieved. 

Just had a wonderful solstice journey with generous Pixie Campbell dealing with access point and crown chakra. I felt my head tingling, a peeling away, a blooming of lotus, an expansion of crown. A nakedness, a connected-ness with the power of women, dancing naked, individually, and in unison, across the surface of the earth with sun beaming, and holding us up for our acknowledgment and gratitude. Dancing in forest, no one spoke, but i could see their faces, and then we were all the same, as we truly are. Real vulnerability must be present for connection to occur in my life. 

Happy Summer Solstice to you light beams. 

This week has been heavy, and long, i am weak, i am tired, i am loved. My body and mind are spent taking care of two very ill loved ones, no sleep, but i chose to honor this day, in my own way wrapped in my quilt, dark room, candles lit, and journeying to Pixies Tank Drum. 

Abundance

This is what I desire in my life.  In all ways. My meditation lately has been on opening myself wide open with the light of that. The claiming of that. It is not easy, but it is time. Not just abundance, but connection, and open heart, an open mind to give and receive the light of others in an effortless way, like food for the soul. This weekend we are set up at a show with our body products which i am passionate about, and so invested in. I knew that i had to shrug off the cloak hanging around me lately if I intended to connect with people, and let them see my light and passion. Otherwise there really is no point. It was very effective, my meditation, and visualation. My intention as it were. I felt alive and lit up like 10,000 candles burning bright. My connections were meaningful, some had a lot to do with my creations, and some had nothing to do with them, and I want that to be what it is about, not just financial abundance, but abundance of spirit. It was bouncing back to me all day, even in the sweltering heat.

Meditation/Prayer is so key, it makes my life make sense, and something I need to do more often. Steve and I are at such odd places in our lives, and I suppose it has a lot to do with age, and what you will and wont accept in your life, nothing major, just peeves that no longer seem acceptable. Meditation has helped me with this, I want my marriage to stay strong, it is stressed right now, because on occasion things are contrary to what i need in my life because of two strong personalities. Feeling like i am backing up and giving in to my Leo Man.

I have decided that even though I am clear on what I desire for myself and my relationship, we are two people who want what we want, and need what we need, but to make things work compromise of the highest degree is in order. When I meditate I open myself up for compromise, and a way of being with my partner that serves us both, and he has made a commitment to do the same.

So Abundance is my wish, my prayer, my goal, my intention, and Abundance it shall be.  Wishing you much Abundance of every fashion in your journeys.

THE ILLUSION OF LIMITATION

Google Image

I have been struggling lately, in several ways. I feel stuck, and overwhelmed. I know what I want and need to accomplish, but I seem to only see the road blocks and obstacles. It has left me overwhelmed and frustrated. Time is ticking, i have deadlines to meet and goals to achieve that I feel are critical. I turned to my old friend, Journeying for some help, for an answer. I needed help to see what is blocking me up, and how to get to where I need to be. I know a lot of my issue is still scarcity thinking, and holding on so tightly to comfortable things that do not serve me, and it is not allowing me to take hold of my now, my future, and the path. When I had the journey, like many times, I rarely completely understand it, in the midst of it. Only when i come out of it, and marinate does it hit my like a ton of bricks, and it blows my mind and holds my heart every single time. 

When I arrived on my path in my journey looking for more animal medicine. I was met with a rather typical path, on a steady incline. Walking and waiting for my guide. Instead of a guide. What I got was all of my previous guides, just showing themselves, and telling me to remember all of the medicine and lessons I have been given previously. They were all there, Deer, Bear, Owl, Snake. 

I reached the precipice at which point I was looking across a valley, and to a mountain beyond, I was told that I must go to that mountain, and out of frustration, I said how? how I am supposed to get there. Do I somehow get down this drop off, and then walk the valley, and climb that mountain, and about that time. I immediately knew the answer, and I immediately leapt off the edge. When I leapt off the edge, I was in Eagle, I was actually an Eagle. I surveyed, and flew, and glided, I saw a mouse way down below. I swooped down and caught it in my claws. 

Soon after I smelled the roots from the tree I entered through, and knew it was time to return.  I came out of it, and immediately thought that I need to honor all of the medicine I have received, and never forget the information, the validation that I have received. It is so easy to do. 

It became clear to me when I realized what the Eagle represented. That is what is holding me back, my doubt, my fears, my scarcity thinking. Looking at all of the obstacles, and perhaps feeling not worthy and not capable of the abundance and prosperity I want in my life.  

I need to take the leap and soar knowing that it will be what I need.  

When I looked to see what Eagle Represented 

The Alchemic Interpetation : A representation of prime matter, the start of an alchemic operation (there is that word again in my life) The Eagle spreads its wings over the step into creation and fans the fire, encourageing growth and new matter. 

If the Eagle takes to flight it may symbolize your ability to rise, or be lifted out of a situation or depression.

 The Eagles Message:    Defeat your fears and see beyond the horizon. Have faith in your purpose and see how all things, good and bad, fit into the picture of your life.    

And ultimately  "Not Allowing The Illusion of Limitation to ground us in our flight" 

I really love that. The reminder that our limitation are only an illusion. Now to work that magic into my life. 

I think most of us experience this illusion on a regular basis, perhaps every sing bit of it is an illusion. What are your thoughts? 

That Deep Pool

Mothers Day was spent with my daughters, my mother and my sister. It was a day of deep gratitude where I fully felt the deep pool of love and connection of our very different but interwoven spirits, and the magical energy of that. We laughed loudly, cried softly while bearing hearts without hesitation. We hugged, whispered, teased and understood our bond can be tense but it is always strong.  My husband has a wicked sense of humor and that morning I felt a little more sensitive than usual, I said where is my Happy Mothers Day, and he said in a joking way "Your not my mother"  I kissed him and went to spend my day with my women. When I arrived home, he said you know I was joking this morning don't you, because you did raise me, nurture me, tolerate me, accept and loved me, you mothered me in the best way, and I thank you for that.  A sweet end, to the sweetest day.

What the Wasp told me

A few days ago I noticed a wasp on my bath tub. Not your usual manic, buzzing wasp. My wasp was slow moving and docile. He seemed to be very aware of me, and to be looking at me. I let him be, after all he wasn't bothering me. I did wonder how he ventured into my home and bathroom. The next morning I saw wasp, he seemed to be content humming, buzzing low as if to get my attention. I said thank you for not stinging me, and letting me know where you are since it is morning, i am foggy and groping in the blur of morning. The following morning, there was wasp sitting on a container. He was completely tucked in. Wings close to his body, as were his antenna. I thought he is either dead or sleeping, as he was so extremely purely still. I took the opportunity to look at him closely, and then started my brushing my teeth, a mere foot from him. He awoke startled awake, antenna and wings fully extended and apparent confusion. I stepped to the other stink and gave him his space. I came home tonight and again he was there. I thought wow what is he surviving on . I mean I really dont know what wasp sustain themselves with, i put sugar and water on a saucer, and moved him toward it, he looked appreciative, it a wasp can look or be appreciative. Why did not I not remove the wasp to the great outdoors. Because he was talking to me, and giving me his medicine. He told me that he was a communicator, that he represented order and productivity. He told me that I should ask myself if I am was in alignment with my deepest desires and goals. If I was doing my part to bring to fruition that which i seek. My answer to wasp was while I had desire, and I was practicing Alchemy in my life, I had failed to keep my dreams at the forefront and important. The wasp told me that it is good to be an Alchemist, but is just as important to be an Architect for my life to build upon the seeds that i have planted. To build a strong foundation, and a well planned journey with preparedness of spirit and an expectation of complete alignment. 

Well that was what he wanted to say. After realizing my friend and I were bonding, I researched to determine what the wasp represented to determine the medicine he was trying to deliver. What I discovered was this: 

Those with the wasp as their totem may learn more by asking these questions of themselves, and calling upon the wasp for more clarification.  Wasps are perfect totems for those of us who need a bit of organized focus, and assistance with assertive communication. The wasp can also help in areas of building, whether it be a new home, or building on a dream - the wasp is a master architect and can guide you with the planning of any building project you have in mind.

I realized what wasp was trying to convey. I have to put the plan to work, i have to nurture it, and continue to care for it. To set a clear intention and move in that direction. That I must be strong and communicate my needs and expectations to those closest to me. 

I will set wasp free tomorrow. 

Grown up Wounds

It's so hard, you know you think the hard part with your kids, is just getting them safe and grown, with love and guidance, and every lesson you can think of. In many ways it is easier when they are grown, your time becomes your own again, a luxury as it were. A chance to dwell within yourself and search, but in many ways it is harder, because when your children are grown the wounds are very different. You want to stand back and let them work out their own issues and responsibilities, and aside from that you really have no say in the matter any more, you have to request permission to intervene, to offer advice. Right now my baby, my 22 year old baby is hurting, and it is killing me. It is killing me because I know the pain she is in, the anxiety, anger, and depression... The realization that you have to do something, but you have no idea what that might be. It is easy to say that their lives are theirs, and you need to let them pick up the pieces and pull themselves up, but that deep aching primal maternal instinct wants to shield and protect. I know she is not a baby, and I do not baby her, but she reached out to me in such a way that brings me back to that little girl, that angry little anxious girl that lost her Dad when she was six years old, now depression, with learning the true colors of those she trusted. I offer her words of encouragement, hugs and prayers, but in reality if you told me that i could take all of this pain away from her and put it on myself I would...That is what I would do for my baby both of them, but I cant as I must honor her journey and know that this is part of it. One thing that i am pleased about is her willingness to talk to a Doctor, not only a willingness but a desperate want, when in the past she refused. I am just blathering here, I think that nothing can bring you more pain, and more joy than motherhood.

Self Care

I have really committed myself to my spiritual journey, and now more so my physical journey.  Being gentle with myself over the last few months has truly made me value myself so much more. Wanting more for this body, wanting to move forward and do the things I want to accomplish with strength, resolve, and stamina. I have banished my bad carb addiction, as well as my processed sugar addiction. Getting rid of my wheat belly from gluten.

This is work but I am worth it.

Self care these days, include healthy eating that fit into my needs and lifestyle. Good carbs, fruits, massive amounts of veggies and lean meats.

Saying no, pulling into center when others attempt to disrupt my energy and balance in a negative way.

Some of the things I am loving right now for a healthy me.

Breakfast, the good old green smoothie of course, but lately summer oatmeal, OMG! have you tried this.

Oatmeal in a refreshing way. You may actually prepare in small mason jars and they keep in the fridge for up to (5) days with the exception of banana. You put it in the fridge before bed and this next morning, eat it cold or put it in the microwave

Uncooked Old Fashioned Oats, Almond Milk (any milk will do) , and the add ins you choose, fruits, nuts, coconut, cinnamon. The combos are endless.

My 2 faves right now.

Oats, almond milk, raisins, slivered almonds, shredded unsweetened coconut, cinnamon, and a half teaspoon of coconut sugar.

Next:  Oats, almond milk, banana, coconut, almond slivers, and raw organic cocoa, again a little coconut sugar.

These are wonderful for breakfast, and healthy. They run between 220 and 250 calories depending on your add ins, for a cup.

I will try peanut butter, banana and cocoa soon. I am addicted to these, and they help me get my grains in.

Copious amounts of green tea, and oolong tea, comfort and joy, oh my!

This physical journey has more do with health, and energy, but I wont lie, the weight loss is very important to me as well, and I have been very pleased.

...and learning that if I honor my body, it will honor me, just as my spirit is honored by my life lesson, and rituals.

How does self care look for you right now? I would love to hear what you are doing to honor your body.

Those Dormant Seeds

I haven't been here in a bit. The delicate green of spring is emerging from my center, just barely peeking above the readied soil. It has been laying in its dark rich place awaiting that nudge, and what a nudge. Some dark things have come up for me lately.  I have always felt with the exception of the mother guilt which I feel I have made great strides in overcoming, I perhaps did not take complete ownership of my part of damage done to other hearts, and souls.

For a couple of reasons 1. I was weighing the pain said person cause me vs. what I could have possibly caused them 2. I did not feel that I was signifigant enough to have mattered an iota to them. 

I wont go into any great detail but basically, again opening myself to lessons this incarnation has to offer me, I have been daydreaming, and lucid dreaming about events in my life, with certain people, rather like watching a movie, but I am on the other end of my own cutting, biting words and actions, and I get to feel what that person may have felt. How that must have hurt. It was an eye opener, and a heart opener for me.

I just apologize to that person with all my heart in my heart, I push away everything they did to me, or everything I perceived had been done to me. Took me out of the equation, and made it about that person. Acknowledged the pain and the hurt.  Do I need to reach out to that person(s) that I no longer have contact with. The answer for me is no. 

My soul has reached out, my soul has acknowledged the shortcomings and roles I have played with these souls. 

I can only believe that there is some deep soul work going on, that I dont completely understand yet, but it must be necessary. A cleaning house of sorts for new things to grow, so that I may see myself in a new light. So that I may treat others differently in future. 

The rub for me in all of this, as I have moved through life with people telling me that I am too compassionate, to nice, to tolerant, that perhaps I forgot how capable I was of causing deep pain to someone, and not fully acknowledging it. 

Are you sprouting from dark places, reaching for the sun?  Let me know what this new season is shining a light on for you. I would love to hear.