Saturday, November 23, 2013

Old Wounds

It's amazing no matter how much you think you have dug up, and put a light on the deepest darkest times, how they can flare up, and not just flare up when you think, and they dont always involve your own mental talk, your critical thinker, and they dont necessarily flare up when you are down. It can happen seemingly out of the blue, when you least expect it, like an emotional mugging when you feel harmonic and you are flying high. The reality is I carry a thorn, I dont think I can necessarily remove, because I dont live in a vacuum, I can work on myself, I can get to a good place, but when you carry that thorn for pain you have caused those that you love the most. I made a series of bad decision in the past, and the ones I hurt, there thorn is bigger, and that place is still raw. I have been moving through life the last couple of years, thinking that even though circumstances weren't ideal we were making it work, we were working through it, that all my love, and intentions were a salve for them. I apparently had blinders on, I was letting myself gloss over the pain of others, I was somehow unknowingly, hitting that thorn over and over. The people I was doing that to, didn't say anything, was there tension, yes some, but I apparently was blinded my own wants and needs, my need for this to be alright, to be forgiven, to be understood, to not be a villain. I guess it was easy to do, because I have always been a people pleaser, I did not recognize in this scenario that i was putting my needs before theirs in a negative way. Does any of this make sense to you? without knowing the details, probably not, so I am sorry to be rambly, but this is a deep seated issue that I share with really no one, and that is another issue in itself, that I don't feel that there is anyone that i can just bare it all to, other than my husband, and honestly, my pain hurts him deeply so I would rather not even have that discussion again. I think perhaps if I spoke to a psychologist, or a life coach, I need talk to an objective person. Because in a way I have resentment myself because this thing I did or rather did not do, I don't always feel that it warrants the level of discourse it has caused, I feel that the person it taking this too far, but again maybe I just dont want to accept the pain of it. I am sorry I probably shouldnt write here, when I feel gutted like this. Anyone my point is that this person was holding this in, continuing to build resentment, because even though i was being understanding I was not be sensitive enough to their needs, and the blew on me, went off on me, perhaps justifiably, i wish i would have seen the signs, I wish they would have stopped me and said, i feel that you are being a little insensitive, I am hurt, please dont say that or do that. After exhaustive crying, hurting, being told they are done, negotiating, they need time, and space, and will again open to me if I give them that. Why must I do this? why does it mean everything? it is my child. Have you made bad decisions as a parent, that you did not realize your child was carrying into adulthood? You walk a fine line, thinking it wasn't really that terrible, i mean it was bad, but not terrible, but it was to that child, especially a very sensitive child, it festered and grew until it became a wall. I have stepped away to a degree, i have let my daughters go out into the world to become their own women, perhaps more nurturing, more understanding was in order. How to you correct or rebuild at this time. That is what I am trying to figure out. The irony, I feel that this is a legacy, In a way my sister and I have done this to my father, my niece has done this to my sister, and now it is my turn. I really should have titled this " A Legacy of Estrangment" my own father was estranged from most of his family...where did it start, where does it end, how much karma is involved here?

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