Tuesday, January 31, 2012


I have finally chosen my word, it was actually a tie between "Manifest" and "Abundance" I have decided that I could manifest abundance in my life this year, along with a whole host of other desires, that "Manifest" should be my word.

I read the following in a Dr. Dyer Interview:

If you are thinking about, talking about, and spending energy on what is missing in your life, what is wrong, what you don’t like, or what always has been, then you are going to continue to attract those things into your life. We become what we think about.

Self-actualizing people—highly functioning people who live at extraordinary levels of awareness—train their minds to focus on what they intend to create and what they intend to manifest, and they won’t let anybody change their mind. I always think of the Wright brothers heading out toward Kitty Hawk, N.C., about 100 years ago. I don’t think Orville and Wilbur said to each other, “This thing is heavier than air, so how will it get off the ground? That’s an absolute impossibility.” The law of flying was not discovered by the contemplation of things staying on the ground.

So, you have to contemplate yourself surrounded by the conditions you wish to produce and know you can attract divine energy to help you. Dormant forces come alive when you put your attention on what you intend to manifest and when you stay connected to your source of well-being, your source of kindness, and your source that excludes no one.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Trying to Choose

I am trying to choose my word for 2012. I think I know, but I am giving myself a few more days to decide. It is a tie right now. I need to contemplate and meditate a little more.

More Randomness that touches me

After The Goldrush
lyrics by Neil Young

Well, I dreamed I saw the knights
In armor coming,
Saying something about a queen.
There were peasants singing and
Drummers drumming
And the archer split the tree.
There was a fanfare blowing
To the sun
That was floating on the breeze.
Look at Mother Nature on the run
In the nineteen seventies.
Look at Mother Nature on the run
In the nineteen seventies.

I was lying in a burned out basement
With the full moon in my eyes.
I was hoping for replacement
When the sun burst thru the sky.
There was a band playing in my head
And I felt like getting high.
I was thinking about what a
Friend had said
I was hoping it was a lie.
Thinking about what a
Friend had said
I was hoping it was a lie.

Well, I dreamed I saw the silver
Space ships flying
In the yellow haze of the sun,
There were children crying
And colors flying
All around the chosen ones.
All in a dream, all in a dream
The loading had begun.
They were flying Mother Nature's
Silver seed to a new home in the sun.
Flying Mother Nature's
Silver seed to a new home.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012


I have always loved the poetry of these lyrics
by Pearl Jam:

I wish I was a neutron bomb for once I could go off
I wish I was a sacrifice but somehow still lived on
I wish I was a sentimental ornament you hung on
The Christmas tree I wish I was the star that went on top
I wish I was the evidence I wish I was the grounds
For 50 million hands upraised and open toward the sky

I wish I was a sailor with someone who waited for me
I wish I was as fortunate as fortunate as me
I wish I was a messenger and all the news was good
I wish I was the full moon shining off a Camaro's hood

I wish I was an alien at home behind the sun
I wish I was the souvenir you kept your house key on
I wish I was the pedal brake that you depended on
I wish I was the verb 'to trust' and never let you down

I wish I was a radio song, the one that you turned up
I wish...
I wish...

Monday, January 16, 2012

Kindness is in our Power

I have always thought of myself as a kind person, but the last few years, with age, and time, I wonder if I am still as kind as I want to be. It seems for me anyway that the years if....even ever so slightly... can harden us a bit, the growing up, a little more rigidity in our ideas (the very thing I resolve to break free of.) I have been more impatient with people lately at a time when I want to be open, and...well...patient...Maybe it is because I am so dedicated to this journey, that I more aware of it, I now stop after my interaction with people in my life (if even for a moment)and ask myself, was I dismissive, impatient, unkind???? I mean people tell me that I am kind, and thoughtful. Just Pondering

So, I thought it was interesting that one of those people that I feel bad (bad for me) for not haveing a strong connection with, even though I think so much of her, her art, her way of being (maybe because she was a co worker, and have a hard time flipping that switch)...sent me an email a few minutes ago out of the blue, asking how I was doing, she is kind, and very thoughtful, and present, she has given me beautiful hand drawn cards, I commissioned beautiful art pieces from her, which I will share here. She always ends a note, a hand drawn card (kind)with a quote that she finds inspirational...the one at the end of her email today..... NUM 6: 24-26
Kindness is in our power even when fondness is not.-Samuel Johnson
Her art attached

She sent me a response when I thanked for the inspiring quote, She responded a moment ago: . It's one of my favorites. It makes me feel safe.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Giving Thanks

I ended my day, in this beautiful place, digging into the earth with my hands, and placing an offering with prayer, the offering tobacco, lavender, and sage...The prayer and offering thanks and blessings...for its majesty, for being a beautiful special place to share with my children. A prayer gratitude.

Nourishing Sunday

Today we went to one of our most beloved places, a place we started taking our now grown children when they were littles. So much beauty, so many memories....Steve and I headed out, just an hour drive. Taking his mountain bike, a picnic, and walking sticks for the hike, a good book and my camera. Not the greatest camera but it does the trick for now. We walked through the beautiful pine forest...with a fondness for the sleeping beauty this winter, although it was an unseasonably warm 70 degrees. We meditated in the silence beneath the beauties reaching skyward, was lay on a bed of pine needles and leaves, the only sound a crow cawing, and the trees swaying, an occasional pine cone falling to earth. I lay next to a tree deep in meditation, lying flat on the ground, and thinking it odd that I imagined being the hidden root knowing its purpose in that damp, ancient soil... rather that the glory of those up and outward reaching branches reaching for the light of the sun.

Perhaps it was my perspective (as in my photos of looking up from below) or perhaps because in life I have been comfortable in this role, or thinking it the noble role. Trying to be the rock, and glue in my family, wanting their peace, love, and happiness.

We walked, talked, and had a beautiful picnic, I started reading a great book. Today was truly a day of nourishment, for mind, body and soul.

As a couple it was bonding, and so welcomed.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Acknowledging Goddess

When I made the leap to start my journey whole heartedly, many amazing women were put into my path. I have spent a lifetime not sharing and truly appreciating other women, and what I have come to realize is that connection to the village, and particularly women of like mind and like heart is necessary to creating a birthing of the new, internally and cosmically.

The language is clear...no judgement...no competition, just a desire as I believe (as Pixie Cambpell's blog states) to midwife, hold up, and support each other in the birthing of the new. Upholding each other on our journey, acknowledging our own Goddess, and the Goddess in each other.

I am as never before reaching out to other women...This is on my mind and heart constantly, That we as women will be integral in birthing in this new era of lightness, and pure Source Energy. Truly an amazing time to be a woman.

So when I came across this statue (not my normal taste) it warmed my heart. It was one of my little thrifting adventures, and I decided that I must create my sacred space, perhaps many, but the first will feature these dancing maidens/goddesses as they revel in their power and femininity and support of each other....it will be my sacred space of "Goddess".

Thursday, January 12, 2012

She is still in there

I think many times I dont truly stop to appreciate how much I have grown. I dont give myself enough credit. I tend to at times view myself as that same person as in my 20's, and sometimes, I feel like she is just someone I used to know, and someone I hope to never deal with again, but that is not how it works...is it.... She was super insecure, struggling to just survive financially and emotionally, she felt like a failure, never felt....enough... was completely sure that she had nothing to offer anyone...who felt so many times at her breaking point, suffering in silence.

I always feel like I would never want to do my 20's over again, my 30's more than made up for the desperation of my 20's. In my 30's I came into my own, and met the love of my life, but back to her... It is obvious that especially when you are seeking your truth, and I believe at some point in everyone's life whether they like it or not, the truth, the pain, the regret, the shame, all gets a spot light. It all must be dealt with I believe.... if a person really wants to be whole.

My point, is that it just occurred to me that I never released this 20 something, she was still stuck in there, in a hidden corner, her hurt just brushed over, her anguish just pushed aside. It was then...it was the past, but it was real. I was making the long drive home last evening, exhausted, and I started thinking about her, about the woman I have become, and how I would never have believed then... That I was capable, I was very proud of me...for a moment, and then tearful, and apologetic, to her....that I did not let her go, that I did not love her, and nurture her, but I do, I do now, I couldnt be this person, without having been her.... me.... I love you, you are okay, you are enough, it all works out...believe me....We are okay....We are enough, I love me....

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Animal Totems

I have a fledgling company...it formed out of a passion,one that took me so long to find, and I truly feel that this is part of my magic, I make natural handmade soaps and other body products. It is a healing, process... I have to invision my goal, every aspect of the soap. The soap....that is imbued with my love, light, and respect. The color,texture,scent,shape,and the magic of blending spices, herbs, plant essence,and the natural chemical reaction of saponification that turns oil and lye into soap.

It truly satisfies me the whole process and the pride in the finished product. When I am selling my soap or giving it away, I describe what I put into it, I get flushed and excited, and they can see the passion. It is my art, my outlet.

When I came up with a name for my little company I immediately (out of seemingly nowhere) came up with the name of Crow & Sparrow. I realize now more than ever that there are really no accidents. That I subconciously new the symbolism, the duality. I never researched beforehand to determine what Crow or Sparrow medicine represented. When someone ask me how I came up with the name, I respond to them that Crow is a messenger of change, and that change for me was acting on my passion, acting on a desire, the Sparrow for me represented the keeper of the family, the constant, as it was my desire for this to be a bonding experience for me and my family, my mother, my husband, and my grown daughters, and it has been.

I have course since learned that this was no accident... As I now know that the Crow Medicine assures that magic is near by and you are about to experience a change in consciousness. Crow can give you the courage to enter the darkness of the void, which is the home of all that is not yet in form. My Love and I both experience this, he more than I. Crow appears to him in times of distress. when he wants to move forward but emotionally feels trapped, it seems to appear to him at those moments and forward, onward, to healing... The Sparrow teaches that you have self-worth which i always a struggle with, but the healing has begun, and I see that my choice for the name of my company was no accident, but rather that small still voice, that I heard in a quiet moment.


It is an amazing thing when you decide to truly seek your truth...at every turn the Universe puts people and information directly into your path in the most unexpected ways... It has always been this way. Last year I had an overwhelming experience with a teacher that came into our lives, it was a false start, I at first made great strides, but rather resented the fact that the journey chose me instead of the other way around (control much) silly I know, it was really much more complicated than that, but that probably could have a blog of its own. I am one of those dangerous closet control freaks apparently, it was a secret even to myself. I learned a lot, but at some point my truth and my teachers truth were somewhat at odds. The truth of the matter is that he was brought into my husbands life, the story his too long, and belongs to him...but it altered his life this kindred spirit brought into his life our lives in a most mystical way, that could not be ignored. I at first felt threatened, because all of the sudden I did not recognize my husband, he was suddenly gentle, introspective, desperate for connection to his God Self, I was both in awe of this, and felt as if I was out side looking in, until I realized that the lesson was for me to, and while our journey's are individual they are still ours together as a couple. He was traveling in our area, and we invited him to stay at our place, he came in his motorhome, and we communed with him for (3) months. My husband holds his teachers friendship and gifts very dear, as do I, but I realize that no matter his experience,knowledge and gifts, his path, his journey is his own, I truly thank him for the lessons of seeing through pain, the acknowledgement of knowing exactly when I am in my God self, and his ability to recognize that, is an amazing undescribable gift. I thank him for sharing those moments, while telling me you know this, you know this, he knows that my truth is more about a falling away of the layers of shit that started piling on, the moment I was brought into the world with a slap to the hiney, and a cry. That I can learn, teach, and see when I am in my Christ Self as he calls it. It is really amazing, I swear when I am in that place, I can look in the mirror, there seems to actually be light radiating from them, he and I look at each other when we are both in this state, and he looks completely different radiating love and light, undertanding. It is amazing the energy, the ability. I regret that I did not take more opportunity to have more of these experiences with him, but he taught me many lessons, about my abilities, my goddess, my right to command, and manifest. The cosmic energy balls were pretty cool to, but that's another story. He is one of the treasures, and teachers I have found that had a profound affect. I have found many women through their blogs that i find so inspirational, at this time of the shift in energy, and it showS me that I am on the right path... that there are so many like minded women that will hold me up, while I journey. I found an amazing site today, Love & Light http://loveandlight-cat.blogspot.com, amazing insight. My friend/teacher says that the light is growing nearer and illuminating the truth, and that like never before our abilities will be accelerated into this awareness this enlightenment, a quickening of sorts. He has spent a life time of dedicated journey, and learning, suffering, to reach his abilities, and awareness without ego, he said at this point and time which is so special due to the alignment of the planets and a shift in energy that the work he did would not be necessary to a seeker now. I guess his message while likely very true is that I dont need to search for the light, I need to be the light. I agree, but again we have our own path, and while I may be able to get there with intense meditation and desire, I still have the desire/need to peel away the layers that hopefully will lead to.... Being the Light.

Monday, January 9, 2012


I hate to admit, but I always have copped to it. It is my answer many times when I dont know how to deal with those I love. I withdraw emotionally from that person, because 1. I dont feel connected to them, 2. I dont have anything to offer them 3. They have hurt me (and likely have no idea)4. I have a role to play with them that I feel forced into by the Universe (illogical) 5. Honest with myself at this point, to punish. 6. To armor myself from the disappointment with the person. I know it's a sucky way to be, but I think It was learned behavior, maybe a little passive agressive behavior, but I am making great strides, it is something I have long recognized, but it was familiar and comfortable, and felt such an integral part of me that just was... The sad thing is that my family and friends recognize this about me, and afford me the privelege of behaving this way
dont get me wrong I am cordial, I am not rude just a little cold and aloof.

One cannot be truly connected with these hard spaces between. These people were put in my path as teachers, and perhaps I to them. If I remain with the wall up, how can I experience or give the gift of connectivity, we are part of the same cloth, the energy, light. I am sharing a life with these people for a greater reason. I must embrace that, be a student and a teacher. Make myself present and available.

Friday, January 6, 2012


How we define ourselves to others. It is really difficult. I have struggled with this. I have intermingled belief systems that are woven together and may not make sense to others, but they give me great comfort and a sense that I am taking what I need and moving along the trail. It is ever growing and expanding, and for that I am so grateful. I understand many of us need the labels, to define ourselves, and a quick way to introduce yourself to someone, a one word summing up perhaps. Christian,Buddhist, Pagan, etc.... i dont like that box, at all. While I do want to make connections, I want them to be real, I want them to unravel into a getting to know process. I strive to be Christ Like, in my Christ Self, I have a Buddhist philosophy, I find a need for ritual and ceremony to honor my love and devotion to our Earth Mother. I dont want to be called a Pagan, The W word, Christian or Buddhist. Just a seeker with eyes, heart and arms wide open. I dont need a label, just a knowing, an understanding, and ultimate awareness. The path is beautiful, and the flowers of knowledge are many, I refuse to label myself... I dont want to pick just one. I need the whole bouquet, it is the reason I really respond to the quote I posted in December under "Inspiration"

This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.” The Dalai Lama

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Spirit Horse

Credit to Google Shared Images

I am not sure why I have been so reluctant to speak my Mantras. I know they give me strength and focus. My prayers to the Universe that never disappoint, and quite frequently astounds, so why then delay, why not speak with fervor and your whole being,that which you command to manifest in your life, one of the mysteries about myself, that I am trying to unravel. I did however on my way to work, when quite frankly I am sitting, driving, mulling, thinking about what???, I dont know, maybe zoning a little. I decided to force the thoughts, the words the prayers, that have not failed me in the past, and when I started I could not stop, and it flowed like a river, a damned river released finally, what a rush, exhileration, satisfaction yes.... At the end of my proclamations of my blessings, my prosperity, abundance, God Essence, Light, Love Energy. I proclaimed that I would let my Spirit run, let if free, Let my Horse?? run, that was the image, it was all from that God Place, and suddenly like it always does the proof was there, I pulled up behind a car, still glowing in the glory of it, when a decal yes a decal, on the back of car was in front of me, the decal, was a Horse that appeared to be leaping out of a wave or a flame, It was my confirmation that yes indeed, I am open. I have no idea what it meant to that person, but it made me laugh with joy, at the joke of it all, it is truly there, just waiting for you to not search outward for your truth, but rather to peel away the layers like an onion, and expose what you have always known. I hope that everyone let their Horse Run!!!

I added this later after I realized that I needed to determine what the horse totem/medicine meant to me-Horses are symbols of freedom.
This totem brings new journeys. It will teach you to ride in new directions and discover your own freedom and power. Guide to overcoming obstacles.

"Pounding hooves, tossing mane,
Take me swiftly on my life's journey. Loyal friend, carry me to a place of safety.Lift me over the obstacles of my path" (credit to http: linsdomain.com/totem)

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Consuming the Light.

Credit Google Shared Image

No pun on words intended, but I need to keep it light today, and reflect on something a very wise enlightened friend told me. He firmly believes and it is his reality that... When eating food, we of course need to nurture our body with natural healthy food, but he is not stuck in this, when he wants to eat something decadent, and "bad" for you, he does not view it this way. He believes that when you are preparing to eat, that you pray on your food, you acknowledge its source, you ask that it only nourish your body and do no harm. He calls it "cleansing his food" He advised me that when I am about to eat, clear my mind of any negative thoughts, do not think them, do not speak them, if I decide I must have something decadent, eat it with love and passion, ask that it nourish you, savor every bite. For he believes that most of foods power over us, has to do with our guilt in consuming it, we start with " this is bad for me" "this is going to make me fat" Guess what you have assigned it this role, you have told your body this is the enemy, it is going to hurt me it is going to make me fat. I am not saying that you can eat anything you want anytime you want, (though i firmly believe that he can, lol) I have not yet made this a regular practice, only on occasion, but it is my goal to do it every time I eat. When I do this, I tell myself and the universe, that this food will only nourish me, and with every bite, I envision, I am eating light, "The Light" and guess what when I am finished it is the strangest thing, I actually feel light, not heavy, stuffed. I highly recommend it, and will remind myself to do this every day, no matter how busy my life gets.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Dig Deep

It is the strangest thing, once I decided to open my heart and discover my truth, the flood gates opened, I think I was hoping for a managable trickle to start. It is a little distressing, but I guess in a way it is what I asked for. Some really painful stuff. I felt like I wanted to just stick my toe in the waters, but apparently much was waiting to blow as it were. I know i will find joy. I knew it would be painful and mucky, there is no going back. I am under the weather I have been sick for the New Year weekend in more ways than one. Today I am sick and heart sick, I am a fixer, a problem solver, but this is some messy stuff that appears to need repair, but doesnt really seem repairable, I am at a cross roads, a new thought, I dont need to fix everything, I need to acknowledge it, work through it, and let it go, that I suppose is the lesson. I feel Im walking through a swamp emotionally right now, and I must keep going forward, difficult for me and my family, as they see my struggle, but have no way of knowing what it is, as it is really hard to define. I trust a bright new day is on the other side, but again there is no turning back now. I must dig in and dig deep.