Saturday, December 28, 2013
Yesterday I was cleaning my pantry and came across dried fruit that had gone stale. I thought the birds would enjoy it, so i flung it randomly in my yard. This morning after a sleepless night due to breathing problems,i rose just before day break with a fog hovering low across the golden field across from my home, and the leafless beauties standing like sleeping giants against the lavender gradation of winter sky I received a beautiful gift just as the sun crested, it was a flock of cardinals. I usually see one or two cardinals, but this morning at least a dozen, i have never seen this many brilliant ruby beauties in one place. They were cheerful and frenzied as the gobbled dried cherries, and other nourishment. My heart felt full, one of them landed on a limb close to my window, with the sun now illuminating it, as if to greet me, and I said thank you, thank you. The message that entered my mind " Get out of your head, and step into your life" It is clear to me that I have given too much power and time to guilt, resentment and sadness. I acknowledged those things, I have given them their time, their place, and now I need to move this life and heart forward. After this message from my Cardinal Friend. I looked to see what the Cardinal represented.
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
These last couple of months have been rather dark ones, as you know if you have read my previous post. There has been grief, hope, reflection, releasing. I saw a glimmer in the dark a reinforcement that there is a light entering this dark room, the glimmer is what i have been concentrating my thoughts and efforts on, this glimmer is growing day by day, this light is coming through a door I am trying desperately to keep open. When I gazed at the moon the other night, in the black sky, just a small little orb that looked like a pinhole of light in that darkest sky, it resonated that glimmer, that light that is always in the deepest dark, I am not saying I was in the deepest dark, because I have been lower, and I know that there are so many souls dealing with such pain and horror that I cannot fathom, but to us all I think if we can try to believe that once we let go of the darkness of deep pain, we can focus on the possibility that the blindness of it can be lifted and we can hang on that glimmer, until it becomes a light that holds you in the warmth of hope. In any shortcoming, or failure I have I can handle in the end if I have an opening, a chance, a glimmer of hope.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Last evening on a glorious full moon, i participated in Sage Goddess Full Moon & Yule Ritual on Spreecast. There was so much energy, so many participants. At the end of ritual Sage Goddess pulled cards for several lucky participants. She said she felt called to pull a card for me. My card was "Dream" My message "Your dreams have chosen you. Find fulfillment in pursuing your destiny. Perhaps that will be my word for 2014. Last nights ritual was on that very subject, gaining insight on what 2013 was about for you on a soul level, and looking into what 2014 held. I will keep looking forward, moving forward to the fulfillment I seek.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
That is what I feel lately, a stillness, not necessarily good or bad, but more the zen kind, aware of each breath, aware of each step, and feeling overwhelmed when I peak beyond that step, at a house that needs to be cleaned, and loose ends to tie. Stillness is what i can handle right now, no pressure on myself, because there is plenty of pressure without my giving any additional power. Just keep plugging along, checking in with my intuition. Making plans, taking even the smallest of actions toward that end, and calling it good, good for now. As long s i can do that, i will linger a bit longer in this stillness, Not to say i am letting myself off the hook, rather being gentle and understanding with myself, as long as there is movement, a forward momentum. I read something today, that I so needed to read by Hayley Sarah Here: http://www.hayleysarah.com/there-is-no-such-thing-as-forgiveness-only-understanding/ there is no such thing as forgiveness. only understanding. by Hayley Sarah on December 17, 2013 in on beyond, on bodies, on connection, on self love, stories life. she conspires with my heart and then says, ‘i see a fat blind spot, ready to be born’. and then she tests me. hard. heavy in the chest, explosive in spirit, reverberating angst through my being to see if it sticks. beliefs that don’t belong with me feel poisonous, but i was the one who drank them up to be taught this. (Very intense post you should read if it resonates) I suppose to sum it up in the most universal terms, i am taking one day at a time.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
I have been lazy for several days, trying to stay in from the frigid cold, next to a fire, under a quilt, with hot beverage, naughty snacks with too much sugar, savory meals seeking comfort on every level. I did venture out yesterday for a show I was doing with product, i like this little show, I do it every year, and it is for a good cause. This year was difficult, ice, snow, it was difficult to wake very early, dress in layers and head out on an icy day, to go to a show, i knew would be a long one, with little activity, as i would assume most people were also seeking comfort in their homes. I am glad I did it though, I needed to shake off the cobwebs. Today, a day i promised myself would be another indulgent day of lying about as payment for being a trooper yesterday, and while it is a lazy sunday. It is also needs to be a creative day. I cannot end this day, another day, trolling the internet, looking at everyones beautiful art and prose, perusing Etsy, and that demon facebook, why oh why, anyway. I realize that especially when I need to give my mind and my heart a rest, i look at everyone elses lives, and look for distractions, in the mean while, my little projects dreamt up over the last year, sit on a shelf. The internet is a wonderful thing, for connection, and information, but it is a distractor. I am just playing this afternoon, I will finish a tiny project I have been thinking about for a while. Little "dream keepers" I want to make. Altered art, as it were. in my most novice way, special to me none the less. Steve busy making another vintage style sideshow banner. A day of making adds a special energy to a home, dont you agree? The day will end, with me filling Etsy orders, I am so grateful for those, not just because it helps finance the life I am trying to create, it supports my dream, it reinforces that what I am doing means something and has value. I will also step outside myself and engage in a few random acts of kindness. The best medicine, i think for restlessness and a bit of wallowing. Hope you are having a cozy, blessed season.
Friday, December 6, 2013
Please check out SageGoddess gratitude giveaway. Such a beautiful generous offering. I have deep gratitude that I get to wake to today to heal, learn, uncover, and know my path. Visit Sagegoddess.com to learn about her generous give away, and view her wonderful offerings.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Let me once again say that Journey has been an immense gift to me, as well as the connection, and synchronicity that shows up in my life to validate the reality, and non reality we live in. I journeyed deeply into the lower underworld, looking for the beginning of this pain, looking for the buried deep burden. What was I shown here, a screen shot from events in my life from childhood. The theme, me with no voice, me being silenced. The silencer's were those who did not want to hear what a child had to say, those who exerted power and opinion like a weapon. Relationships where silence on certain issues was required to keep the peace. The dominating issue, which i will be honest has always been a comical one became serious in my viewing. When I was a child 5-6 years old, my teenage uncle would baby sit me. I would follow him, and annoy him, I would chatter. The more he tried to make me be quiet the more i would needle and annoy until he had enough he tied my hands and my feet, and put duct tape over my mouth, I have always laughed about this, because I knew I was badgering him, it never pained me, it never made me angry, but it has become a snap shot in my mind that represents the silencing of my voice. I can name it many things, i can tell you I am a quiet person by nature. That I am not competetive by nature, that I would rather let someone else shine, and I still believe these things. My need to be heard truly heard about things that matter most is where I truly need work. My willingness to battle when i am saying things that are not pleasing to the many strong heads, and broken hearts around me. This is just an observation, and a realization from the deepest part of my being. I lay to rest much sadness, regret and guilt in that journey, and so much more work to be done. I am thinking about my word for 2014 with Pixie's prompting. I will choose carefully. Have you chosen your word for 2014?