Thursday, November 29, 2012


Last evening I re visited some of Dr. Dyer's messages, one of them being that if you wake in the middle of the night or early morning, you should make yourself get up, at least put your feet on the floor. It is in those moments, in that quiet before dawn breaking that the messages can be felt and heard, the answers clearer, where writing and creativity and can be pure.  I woke this morning at 3:20 am My asthma issues were not letting me sleep. I got up thinking about what he said. Bleary eyed, I made steeped fresh ginger to soothe. I grabbed my journal, and my pen, and had but one thought "Speak to me" The pen took over from there, I was writing, but it was more my heart, and my hand, my brain was still in a fog. I wrote I closed my journal, finished my tea and lay on the couch in and out of sleep.

All day at work I thought, I cant wait to get home and see what I wrote, odd huh! Anyway nothing really earth shattering, really. I wrote it below, just as I wrote it with spirit, heart, and a mind not fighting it.

Picture I took of flowers on a tree/bush in the lush forest of The Smoky Mountains. 

A Pre-Dawn Whispering

Speak to me 

Oh gentle one, Oh pure one 
speak to me on the wings of dawn
as night takes its flight away and beyond 

Speak to me of sacred dreams and sacred
knowledge and ancient ones. 

Speak to me so that I may know the Millenia
of love that resides in my every breath and cell

Speak to me 

Thank you Creator 
for speaking with me, to me , in me about 
Love & Light. 

Have you had any Whisperings that inspired you lately?  I would love to hear.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012


I questioned whether or not I should share this story due the disturbing nature, but decided that I should, as these moments are too rare to be a part of and learn from in such a dramatic way.

I have only shared this story with my husband because I am not sure if I could control myself if I received a sarcastic or insensitive response from others.  I look at animals as beautiful sentient beings, and teachers that we share this earth with, and that we should have a respect for and never treat as possessions or objects... 

Having said that, and I apologize in advance for this lengthy post, but I really must paint the picture.

I work in Dallas and I live 50 miles away in the country. Imagine Friday afternoon rush hour traffic I was traveling on the 2nd of 3 freeways I must travel to get home, it can be rage inducing and mind numbing, until I get closer to home when I can exhale.

I notice something small black and moving on the shoulder, it is not registering, this is a busy freeway next to down town. I see a woman pull over to the half shoulder and get out running after, oh it’s a dog. Oh no! She is running, he is running faster, she is frantic… I pull ahead and try to keep him from leaving the shoulder, he bolts, and I am honking flashers on, and stopping, to alert the other vehicles hopefully that they should slow down or stop. People see what is happening, everyone slows dramatically or comes to a halt, the dog a midsized panic stricken black Lab is darting back and forth across 4 lanes of traffic. We have created a wall basically people are getting out of their cars calling to the dog, enough people, so I drive up further ahead and pull over, I am waiting ahead calling to the dog, now there is an ambulance driver running behind the dog, the dog panics and bolts again, for the elevated entrance ramp of an even busier freeway.

The ambulance driver passenger gets in the driver seat and takes off for the ramp, a van already on the ramp, straddles his van sideways as the dog is running his direction, the ambulance get up to the ramp and does the same. I pull onto the ramp and stop with flashers on. The dog is now cornered, the van driver, and the ambulance driver calmly approach the dog, and then…The dog cornered leaps over the edge of the (2) story elevated entrance ramp. The men’s faces turned white they were devastated.

They looked over the edge as if they were trying to see where he went. I did not look; I choose to think that the sturdy, adrenaline fueled dog, landed on a small patch of grass instead of the asphalt and survived.  I was shaking...

Normally a situation like this would have had me in sobs, with heart breaking…a lost night of sleep thinking about it…etc….but instead I noticed that even when I was in the midst of it, that this was special, all of these dozens of people stopped on the freeway, out of their cars, hands on heads, hands on hearts, hands in the air from sadness and frustration at their inability to capture this innocent, fear stricken dog….. My heart was so full of the humanity of that, the looks we exchanged, it was as if our desire and action were enough, we shared that connection of humanity. All of those people that day had to be touched by that experience, by stepping out of their personal moments of being on their cell phone, frustration, thinking about mundane task, to all of the sudden experiencing something unexpected and meaningful.

The black dog showed me that day, and hopefully others that people do still care, that people still have a basic instinct of humanity, and that it is strong. May we all serve our purpose and have as much of an impact as Black Dog did that day…..

Sunday, November 25, 2012

These Moments

These Moments

I sometimes feel that I spend so much time planning, calculating, thinking about the future that I sometimes forget to be in the moment, or to just get lost in a moment, but maybe that is the way it should be, if we spend every moment in the moment, perhaps we would not realize or experience that "moment" that simple rapturous moment colliding with the simplest and purest of moments..The ones that remind us what is so important, so important that I hope when I ascending to that next plane of being, it will be the moment and feeling that replay.  I have gone through extended periods of living in the now, and it is gratifying, but it can be elusive to the point where it felt accidental and you are not sure how to get back there, until something, or someone jolts you into it.  I had a moment like that on Thanksgiving. My sister and I love each other, but we have never been overly affectionate, and have rarely understood each other. We are opposites in every way. She is animated, and funny, bubbly, never stops moving, and no insult to her because believe me, but just a thought has always been on my part is that she doesn't stop long enough to truly see, that she does not take in  information, and ponder it, she just keeps moving like a fast train forward. I have never understood this what I perceived as a lack of depth and introspection, and again believe me i would have traded my days of depression, introspection, and coldness, self blame etc....for the freedom of what she had in what appeared to me carefree days avoiding any degree of stillness or being with oneself.  The point to all of this is that on Thanksgiving two things much different than ever before between us occurred. We were at my daughters for Thanksgiving, and I needed to get on the road home. We were alone in the kitchen, and I told her it was time for me to go, she laughed hard, and threw her arms around me, and hugged me tighter than she ever has, she whispered in my ear that she could not let me go, and that I was going to stay right there with her in that moment for ever....I told her I would, like a child she said "you would really stay right here in this moment with me forever? I would it was so touching, and so real, and so foreign with her, when my daughters saw us embracing in the kitchen, they were laughing and ran over, and all grabbed me, and would not let me go. It has been a long time since i have felt that much love and feeling from others... What a moment, I really would have liked to stay locked in that moment forever... My mother snapped a picture, and at first I thought oh no the picture is blurry and ruined, but upon further inspection, I noticed that our spirits are sharing in that moment, every part of us collectively was joined in that moment. The picture perfectly represents that...   The other moment is when decided to swim on Thanksgiving at my daughters just because we could, it was 80 degrees and the pool was heated, I swam with my now grown beautiful daughters, I was laughing and playing with the dog, we were having such a good time, I really come alive around my kids, I saw my youngest daughter with that look on her face, and I recognized that she was having that moment as well, like I am going to lock this one away for a rainy day, looks...... I love them and these moments so much. I am going to strive to recognize these moments, even when they are not so obvious to me...

Sunday, November 11, 2012


Steve went out of town for a few days, at just the perfect time.. I needed some me time, which I rarely fully take. Being home alone lets me concentrate on me if I will. I decided that I need to have a date night with myself, perhaps just a whole romantic weekend indulging me, and showing myself love, compassion, and understanding... I am very much an over thinker, an analyzer, I am almost too objective if that is possible. I probably would have had a wonderful career as a mediator, as I am a creative problem solver, fair, tolerant, and compassionate.  I played hookie from work on Friday, which is a bit unusual for me, but I needed it since, I knew I did not feel well, and I needed a full two days of me time, and I knew I would be working with my partners on our body product business on Sunday...

My Friday, I went thrift shopping, which is my favorite kind of shopping. bought some cute skirts, which i am growing more and more fond of, so much easier to throw on a skirt than snug into even the most comfortable pair of jeans, I do both, but I needed the romantic effortless flowy skirt...

The day was full of making myself breakfast, tidying up just a bit, hot bath... off to the store to buy food for just me, and a bottle of wine....

I bought myself a couple of new things to go with my thrifted skirts...
Movies galore I rented.  It was a hot bath, comforting food (did I forget to mention the massive amount of dark chocolate?)

It was very nice and relaxing, and indulgent.... As I went to be I began to think of all the things that are fractured in my relationships with others, and wondered of course what I could do about that..... Wow, I had hoped I would fall into a sleep like a baby mode after the self love of the day...

Saturday-I had so many projects swirling in my head, art, beautification around the house, a movie and dinner by myself out perhaps.... I decided that I would do what I could, and not fret about the rest.... I did some re arranging, painted the front door a bold choice of a beautiful moss green, who would think it would take hours and 4 coats of paint to cover the door, the results were worth it.

Spent an hour or so with my mother...Another trip to the thrift store to try and show her that it takes diligence and some time to find what you are looking for at the thrift store, as unlike me she is very energetic and hyper, and gets distracted by shiny things, our joke.

I went home, lit some candles, poured a glass of wine, and tried on my new outfits, and lounged as i listened to a few cd's that I adore. Lucinder Williams, Neil Young etc... I dont think I anticipated the impact Lucinda would have on me with Lonely Girls, I usually listen to it, but I have never just listened to it un-destracted, I realized that I am indeed a lonely girl...My entire life I have never related to other women.. I always felt on the outside looking in, standing to the side, just plain strange like I was from another planet, and I dont get these people. As I moved into my late teens early twenties, my shyness and introversion (is that a word?) became mistaken for snobby. To make matters worse, and I can say this now that I am forty something, haha! I was very attractive (wow my hand even shook when I was typing that, hard to say about myself, even my 20 something self) I was thin, and athletic, yet busty, I was a little exotic looking with my dark olive skin, and green eyes, and light brown hair, and believe it or not this caused me great anxiety, because I wanted nothing more than to blend into a wall.

My point here is that girls just did not get me, and did not like me, and I think to a degree felt threatened by me... Boys were interested because of my looks, my vulnerability, and what they perceived as a challenge ( I definitely had a wall break down) and I guess a mysteriousness as I listened and talked very little.. While my female counterparts were doing everything they could for attention, and talking about themselves non stop, so when the new boy they were all eyeing across the room, would find me in my dark corner, well it did not go over well.

It is not what I wanted, it was just who I was...Unfortunately my inability to develop real meaningful relationships with women did not happen in my formative years, or teenage years, it is has affected me as an adult.. I felt very sad that on my me weekend the thought never entered my mind that I should be sharing this weekend with another woman a friend, and then it struck me that there is not one woman i feel completely comfortable with.. There are women I like and vice versa, and I can chat with, but to share vulnerable moments, meaningful moments, important things, it doesnt happen.

I only have myself to blame, if blame were assessed, and even though I really long for that, a woman that i can tell anything to, a woman who could understand my strangeness, my introversion, my quirky thought processes does it even matter anymore..

I closed my day with more chocolate, a box of hair dye ( I dont like salons, I know I told you I am not your average normal female bear)  a very meaningful tranformative meditation..  I do want a tribe still, I have to start living in my heart more, and less in my head....

Sorry to go on so long, but this is my journal after all.

Love and Light to all you Lonely Girls....

Thursday, November 1, 2012


I have wanted to post a hundred times over the last few weeks, about so many things, there seems like so much I can not put words to, and other times, lately it seems like I think about so many things that mean so little. I hate whining, and grasping, and giving in, and distraction, but lately, it seems like the thing I am doing, all in my own head mind you.  The things that feel like so much are:

A final release from a Karmic Event

1. The realization that it was a Karmic Event with my mother that has been playing out for so long, and with others as well over the same devastating issue. Finally, I dealt, it was painful, it is still painful, because I said some very hurtful things, things I held on to so long, things I owned that were not mine to own in this lifetime. The letting go of that burden was beautiful, the aftermath was not, it is not an obvious thing. It is a rigidness with that person that wasn't there before, it is catching them looking at you differently, like they dont really quite know you...and I cant fix that, it is not mine, but it is hard, and trust is damaged...

2. Brattiness? Lately I have fallen off-Fallen off of my meditation, my health conscioussness, my attempts at connection... I cant explain it really, I just feel bratty, and for some reason I feel like that is what is needed. I supposed I will understand one day, I am just trusting that it is part of my soul work, my journey, perhaps a break from an intensity that is needed, my child rebelling a little at it rather strict master lately....

3.  My need for connection seems to have been replaced with impatience for others, in other words, perhaps judgement, judgement that they make no attempt to change the blind way they move during this time of transition, the holding on to of dogma and refusing to look inward because someone told them that it is Un-Godly to look inward.... Pretty arrogant of me to say that I suppose.... but it is just how I feel.  I dont know what their role is here, so who am i to judge their methods... Just pondering a bit.

I take comfort in knowing the magic is always there, if we know where and how to look for it...  I trust that my judgement and apathy will cease.