SO MUCH -SO LITTLE

I have wanted to post a hundred times over the last few weeks, about so many things, there seems like so much I can not put words to, and other times, lately it seems like I think about so many things that mean so little. I hate whining, and grasping, and giving in, and distraction, but lately, it seems like the thing I am doing, all in my own head mind you.  The things that feel like so much are:

A final release from a Karmic Event

1. The realization that it was a Karmic Event with my mother that has been playing out for so long, and with others as well over the same devastating issue. Finally, I dealt, it was painful, it is still painful, because I said some very hurtful things, things I held on to so long, things I owned that were not mine to own in this lifetime. The letting go of that burden was beautiful, the aftermath was not, it is not an obvious thing. It is a rigidness with that person that wasn't there before, it is catching them looking at you differently, like they dont really quite know you...and I cant fix that, it is not mine, but it is hard, and trust is damaged...

2. Brattiness? Lately I have fallen off-Fallen off of my meditation, my health conscioussness, my attempts at connection... I cant explain it really, I just feel bratty, and for some reason I feel like that is what is needed. I supposed I will understand one day, I am just trusting that it is part of my soul work, my journey, perhaps a break from an intensity that is needed, my child rebelling a little at it rather strict master lately....

3.  My need for connection seems to have been replaced with impatience for others, in other words, perhaps judgement, judgement that they make no attempt to change the blind way they move during this time of transition, the holding on to of dogma and refusing to look inward because someone told them that it is Un-Godly to look inward.... Pretty arrogant of me to say that I suppose.... but it is just how I feel.  I dont know what their role is here, so who am i to judge their methods... Just pondering a bit.

I take comfort in knowing the magic is always there, if we know where and how to look for it...  I trust that my judgement and apathy will cease.