Thursday, January 12, 2012
She is still in there
I think many times I dont truly stop to appreciate how much I have grown. I dont give myself enough credit. I tend to at times view myself as that same person as in my 20's, and sometimes, I feel like she is just someone I used to know, and someone I hope to never deal with again, but that is not how it works...is it.... She was super insecure, struggling to just survive financially and emotionally, she felt like a failure, never felt....enough... was completely sure that she had nothing to offer anyone...who felt so many times at her breaking point, suffering in silence.
I always feel like I would never want to do my 20's over again, my 30's more than made up for the desperation of my 20's. In my 30's I came into my own, and met the love of my life, but back to her... It is obvious that especially when you are seeking your truth, and I believe at some point in everyone's life whether they like it or not, the truth, the pain, the regret, the shame, all gets a spot light. It all must be dealt with I believe.... if a person really wants to be whole.
My point, is that it just occurred to me that I never released this 20 something, she was still stuck in there, in a hidden corner, her hurt just brushed over, her anguish just pushed aside. It was then...it was the past, but it was real. I was making the long drive home last evening, exhausted, and I started thinking about her, about the woman I have become, and how I would never have believed then... That I was capable, I was very proud of me...for a moment, and then tearful, and apologetic, to her....that I did not let her go, that I did not love her, and nurture her, but I do, I do now, I couldnt be this person, without having been her.... me.... I love you, you are okay, you are enough, it all works out...believe me....We are okay....We are enough, I love me....