Monday, November 25, 2013

War Torn Heart

I have been walking around here, slowly, in a deep inward shadowy place, a place I must be for now. feeling as though I am barely functioning in this human body. Wondering if Saturday's event could have just been a nightmare. I mean did someone just say those things to me. ( i go back and read her email again just to make sure) Is this my karma. I moved slowly through the day, sleeping intermittently to give my brain a rest with the damning thoughts. I move methodically deep cleaning my kitchen, but at a snail pace as though i were moving in another dimension, stopping for naps, and the reading of Women Who Run with the Wolves, looking for some soul comfort, some words to jump up and smack me. To put a light on this path I am on at the moment seemingly stopped in my tracks. But I do know there is soul work, heavy soul work going on. You see some things will come out of this, i am going to spill my soul to my little sister today, as i have never done. I have done this for her, so I am hoping her heart will be open. I have been thinking about my Dad in this as well, and how i must reach out to him, his pain. I have been thinking about what I said Saturday about a Legacy of Estrangement, and looking back over the generations, it indeed is. Perhaps I can stop it with us, perhaps, i can figure out why this is happening, does it happen in every family?, i don't know. I thought if one or both of my children ever distanced themselves from me, it would be because I was smothering them with trying to "help" at every turn which is why I pulled away, to let them breathe, letting them call me for the most part. I never dreamed it would be because I created pain in them, and let them down, oh how that hurts, my heart feels like it will literally keep swelling, and just burst at the thought of it. I need my Dad right now, I need to try to heal that, I need to heal with my sister, we have done a lot of work, and we are so much closer than we were before, affection is there, she has told me every secret, shame, hope, fear, and i embraced it, and gave her support. I am hoping I can do the same, this is something I must share with her. I can imagine her reaction, but I will probably be wrong. My husband read my Tarot last night, and was confused by it, but I wasn't . It said I will need to dig deep, I will need to dig even though I feel like i am at the bottom and I can dig no further. I need to dig into my reserves for this. Healing can happen. I woke this morning, intentionally sleeping late, to avoid the reality of this pain. I sent my sister a message that i need her, that i have to talk to her, and she is the only one i can talk to. I will talk to her later today. I then turned on my computer, to Rebelle Society, and I read this: "We don’t, not any of us, get to this point clean. No. We’re all dirty and ragged. Rough edges and sharp corners. Fault lines and demolition zones. We’ve got tear gas riot squads aiming straight for the protest lines of our weary souls. Landmines in our chests that we trip over every time we try to hide from the terrifying tremble of our own war torn hearts....But it is your history that delivered you this roadmap of scars. Those healed wounds and their jagged edges are proof of your infinite ability to survive, to knit broken back to wholeness, to refuse that the end is every really the end... Make friends with your teardown. Do not run from your bar brawl for forgiveness. Sit with the times you’ve fucked up and the times you lost all and the days your redemption was delivered by the hand of the last person you ever expected to give anything but darkness. And through it all know that your walled up and torn down, graffiti-covered heart is still the most beautiful thing I have ever seen." Jeanette LeBlanc {} I SO NEED THIS TO BE TRUE. ARE YOU STRUGGLING RIGHT NOW?

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