DESERVE

DE-SERVE

Do something or have or show qualities worthy of (reward or punishment).

There are still many shadows I hold that are perhaps unresolved. This creates confusion for me in the sense of questioning my needs and wants, against the rest of society.  For instance, I feel a sense of entitlement is wrong. 

Which leads to question what the real difference is between a sense of entitlement, and a sense of deserving. Many times in my life i have struggled and fought for certain things. I am talking about basics of living a simple life, with a reliable vehicle, a modest home, consistency for my children etc....Perhaps at those times I have thought damn it, I deserve this.  One time that particularly springs to mind, would be when my very old car, which was slowly falling apart, finally had the air go out.  I was driving this car, in Texas heat 100 mile round trip per day, just dying. 

I finally got fed up, and realized and said to myself I absolutely deserve a decent vehicle that is comfortable with air condition, pretty basic right. 

It really takes me feeling beat down, over worked, and emotionally drained to get to a point of feeling that I am deserving. I had people in my past tell me that it appeared to them that I had a self loathing going on, wherein i felt like I did not deserve anything, and that i would more often than not, settle.....

This is a new day, but again those shadows, and triggers still pop up. I have noticed that people i have met and know that appear to have a sense of "entitlement" generally have their needs met. They never question if they deserve anything, it is a given.  

I thought I had resolve this issue in my mind, something I have been working on. Not asking my self if i deserve something. 

Oddly enough, in the silliest way, it popped up again, and it made me mad at myself, and again is so puzzling to me. 

I saw a contest to win a trip to Australia. I don't normally enter contest, but I thought what the heck. To my surprise, it was a more than provide your information contest. They wanted to you write an essay about why you think you deserve this trip. 

I stared at the question, my heart and brain locked up. Hmmm.....well I started writing and it felt so fake, I finally realized, that I don't deserve this trip, but why dont I deserve this trip, my mind starts racing, and I thought, there is a soldier out there, whose dream is to go to Australia, there is a family here and perhaps they havent seen their Australian family in years,  There is a dying person that wants nothing more than to spend time there, there is a extremely charitable, giving, selfless person that deserves this, and I am none of those people.  Needless to say it became clear to me that I had no business entering the contest.  

I have always wanted to go to Australia, but deserve????? Why is that such a huge word to me. I dont like the word, it kind of excludes us who feel that life is not about deserve. I don't  like it, because it makes me question something i dont want to question. Perhaps if I felt like I deserve, I would see more abundance in my life........

I guess what I am getting at here, is the weight of that word, and does it weigh on other people the way it does on me, and should it??? Should I accept that it is not about deserve, or should I learn that perhaps I need to learn to re define that word. 

 

This seems like something that should be so elementary, but I cannot really get a good grasp on it. Like something is missing in my genetic make up. Would love your imput. 

Sorry for the long rambly post about something so trivial, but keeps coming up for me.