I haven't been here in a bit. The delicate green of spring is emerging from my center, just barely peeking above the readied soil. It has been laying in its dark rich place awaiting that nudge, and what a nudge. Some dark things have come up for me lately. I have always felt with the exception of the mother guilt which I feel I have made great strides in overcoming, I perhaps did not take complete ownership of my part of damage done to other hearts, and souls.
For a couple of reasons 1. I was weighing the pain said person cause me vs. what I could have possibly caused them 2. I did not feel that I was signifigant enough to have mattered an iota to them.
I wont go into any great detail but basically, again opening myself to lessons this incarnation has to offer me, I have been daydreaming, and lucid dreaming about events in my life, with certain people, rather like watching a movie, but I am on the other end of my own cutting, biting words and actions, and I get to feel what that person may have felt. How that must have hurt. It was an eye opener, and a heart opener for me.
I just apologize to that person with all my heart in my heart, I push away everything they did to me, or everything I perceived had been done to me. Took me out of the equation, and made it about that person. Acknowledged the pain and the hurt. Do I need to reach out to that person(s) that I no longer have contact with. The answer for me is no.
My soul has reached out, my soul has acknowledged the shortcomings and roles I have played with these souls.
I can only believe that there is some deep soul work going on, that I dont completely understand yet, but it must be necessary. A cleaning house of sorts for new things to grow, so that I may see myself in a new light. So that I may treat others differently in future.
The rub for me in all of this, as I have moved through life with people telling me that I am too compassionate, to nice, to tolerant, that perhaps I forgot how capable I was of causing deep pain to someone, and not fully acknowledging it.
Are you sprouting from dark places, reaching for the sun? Let me know what this new season is shining a light on for you. I would love to hear.