I scrimped, saved, stressed and dreamed of this trip with my family since winter. It seems so strange to take this vacation when I just found out that i would no longer be gainfully employed, but the plans were made, and tickets bought, and somehow it just seemed fitting. The wonderful Aloha, the hello and the goodbye in our lives, the cycles, death and re-birth. It was really good, and magical in so many ways, my daughters, my sister (got married there) the reason for the trip, my mother, and a few other family members. Hubby stayed behind to take care of our zoo, ha! but he was good with it. We spent a beautiful week there. I have said it before, but when i am with my blood women there is so much laughter, so many tears, so much cleared air, a knowing and understanding that baffles me and enchants me.
I had a tarot reading last night, some times i feel with great certainty that i am on the right track, even it is terrifying and unorthodox, the anxiety will settle, and the tarot just lets me know that maybe i am not crazy, that my path is not pie in the sky, that it is magic, if i believe magic can happen, and I so do... wish me luck and prayers on my journey of sustainability, of creating, making, challenging myself in whole new ways. One phrase keeps repeating in my head, it started as a whisper a few months ago, and since I found out that i was being layed off, it is a strong, confident, defiant " I get to choose" I get to choose what this life looks like. How many of us spend so many years, thinking of what we would have to "give up" to go back to the simple basics of living, that it is just a fantasy that is unattainable, because we have to live in a certain neighborhood, drive a certain car, and keep up appearances of a "successful person" I just never felt like i could jump off that hamster wheel, but again, I get to choose, as long as i am willing to trust that i can handle what ever may fall at my feet.
This will be the greatest trial to rid myself of scarcity thinking, my thinking will have to change, the dialogue in my head will have to quiet into an acceptance, i will have to occasionally re assure my hubby, that it is okay, that the bank account looks like nearly nothing, but that the path will rise up, because we are talented and resourceful, we all are, if we tap into it.