REGRET

Painting by Cyn McCurry "Regret"

I am not trying to be a downer, but just something that has been on my mind and affecting me. I am not sure if I should just be in the moment and feel it. I truly think I have had too many co dependent relationships in my life, and this likely is my issue to deal with. I wrote this a few days ago, and was trying to decide if I would put it here....

REGRET

In the shadows they stand,
...hiding.....waiting.....lurking. They wait for the most
vulnerable moments to make an appearance, and their
presence known.

They are sneaky and disguise themselves with love, anger, EGO
a sense of of righteous indignation...these little regret monsters.

The joke of it all, is this is from one who strives, and believes has believed that it is better to regret something you've done, rather than something you haven't done, but there were obviously things I did not do
that I did not know to do....

The regret, I guess we all have it to some degree as parents. I love my children, they are amazing special, gifted people, but I look at the things that hold them back. Their pain, their grief (normal) we all have it...I think...and know or think that... had I recognized then the damage from what appeared to be temporary ordinary set backs in our life, or If I had recognized that I should have spared that particular moment for them, that I should have acted or reacted differently.

I believed children when they said they were fine, that they could cope,
that everyone was okay. Your a great Mom. Me who prides myself in my intuition, my objective abilities, my compassion, my sensitivity, how could I have missed it.

I am sure we all ask these questions when our kids are grown or almost grown, I guess there is no way around it, if we are honest with ourselves.

I used to think I did not have regrets, oh but I do. The things that are becoming clearer to me now, of course in the 20/20 of retrospect.

But as I stated previously I am learning that not everything, can or should be fixed. I need to feel this and learn to release it. Right now it is residing in me, taking my energy, making me melancholy, and weepy

I wasnt a bad parent, but.....if I had just..... well you know..... been there more, been more present....their lives would have been better, sweeter.

The reality is that they own these things now, and I cannot and should not have any control of their coping mechanism, and learning, feeling. I should just trust, that if nothing else, I raised (2) strong capable...women...