Mountain Lion - Being in the Moment

I have been away from here for a while. Trying to be in the moment(s) as it were. It has been a rewarding healing time. Mending fences, moving forward, honoring, cherishing, and nurturing. I participated in Pixie Campbell (Lighthorse) SOULODGE with Mountain Lion- and what a Solar Queen she was. I have never had a more rewarding, intimate, soul shaking journey. We took 2 journeys with Mountain Lion, and she let me embody her- She met me, knocked me down, face to face, nuzzle me, assured me, she showed me her strength, her wisdom, her cunning, and just being what she was, the Queen. Our journey dealt with boundaries, that has always been a big issue with me, and she taught me a lot. Stop apologizing at every turn for taking up space, stop taking on someone else's issues as my own.... The 2nd journey was just pure hilarity. Pixie told us to ask Mountain Lion what she wanted us to know..I was met with a congo dancing cartoon character, set on making me belly laugh-Message received, stop taking yourself so damn serious, be light, be joyful, belly laugh more.... What lessons are you learning-going into this dark season?????

Marinating

I have been gone from here for a while. Marinating on a lot of things, as usual. So many changes, so many things never change.Like so many things, i have to marinate for a while, before I can interpret the meaning the outcome. Steve went out of town on a much needed beach guy trip. He always feels guilty for doing things like this, but as much as I miss him, i kind of relish it. I need it, to be alone, the solace, the quiet, to think and feel, and just do my thing. My thing right now deals with some realizations i have come to that are for another post about the way I define myself. I am using this weekend, and the coming week, to re connect with my essence, with that girl. The girl who looks a little different in the mirror than she feels in her heart at the moment, aging is a tricky thing. So I am keeping it simple, and gentle, and nurturing. What does that look like on this lazy, lazy weekend? Chinese takeout, plenty of my favorite dark chocolate, wine. Chick flicks that i can ugly face cry to with no one watching, longs naps, putting on my cut offs a floppy hat and not caring what my 49 year old legs might look like (a positive of aging, ha!) while i go thrifting and scoring the most awesome pair of Born leather boots with southwest tapestry. Friday, my day off (yes I am working part time) Take out, movies, naps, thrift score vintage kimono. Saturday- Sleeping late, cut offs floppy hat, mexican market carrying my pina colado in a pineapple with whip cream and cherry on top, more movies, more vintage scores thrift score, actually went back to get the Born leather cowboy boots with southwest tapestry that I left behind yesterday. Catching up on blogs, and just letting myself feel 28 again. Which involves not looking in the mirror to terribly much. I think my hubby may come home to a little more revitalized woman. Recharging batteries is so necessary, but I always wait until i am almost depleted to do so. What is your self care looking like these days?

Deer Altar

Engaging in Spring Soulodge with Pixie Campbell, what a wonderful group of women. What an intense journey. My altar to honor Deer, Fire & Water. Strength and Vulnerability.

GHOST TOWN

Enjoy

New Medicine

Spider has been making its presence known to me with great intensity over the last 2 days, i spotted three different spiders, basically in my space, in my truck, in my home, and at my mothers home, which not unusual, but the fact that each time, i almost walked into it, or grabbed it with my hand (on a knob) caught my attention. I got the message, and the medicine. Spiders make my skin crawl, I like to see spiders in their webs, but surprising me NO. I decided there was medicine here that I needed to explore. What I found Spider is the weaver of the Web of creativity. The symbol of creation and Mother. Strong feminine energy, Goddess. Sacred creative female energy. I have come to the conclusion over the last few days that I have to fall back into my love and knowing that my love of creating natural beautiful body products, and just soul-full just for me art and projects. I need to engage, create, manifest the prosperity I want to see in all aspects of this being.

amnh.org Hawk Medicine - Each time I am at a new threshold or just received information that moves me I see a Hawk, and I intuitively knew that I was being told to open, embrace, receive and use the message I just received, or that I am about to receive a message and I need to be receptive. It re-inforces what Spider is trying to tell me, I found a red tail hawk feather recently, and I see them daily. They give me comfort and let me know that I am on the right path, a light on my path if you will. And just for grins, i reviewed native american interpetation of Hawk Medicine, and again was given comfort, and more trust in my intuition. Hawk Medicine - "Hawk is the messenger of the spirit world" Use your power of focus, take the lead, use power of clear vision. A strong connection with the spirit world and increased spiritual awareness.

www.komar.org And finally Deer Medicine- Deer was my first journey guide, and is so special to me, Deer gives me great comfort, and when I am sruggling, Deer shows me that there is always a different path. I had a blog post a while back about my meaningfull journey with deer, titled slippery hill. I won seat in Pixie Campbell's Soulodge for June working with Deer, that same morning my husband called me to let me know that he had found a 10 point antler set that he knew I would love. I am ready for more Deer Medicine. We will be working on balancing strength and vulnerability.

www.deer.com SO MUCH MEDICINE TO TAKE IN, BUT MAYBE I HAVE BEEN IGNORING SOME SMALLER SIGNS AND NEEDED THIS FRONT AND CENTER. WHAT KIND OF MEDICINE IS WORKING IN YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW????

Physical Labor

Sometimes you have to step outside of yourself, and just physically exert yourself, having something tangible at the end of the day to have started, or completed that makes life a little better, if even in a superficial way. Chair progress almost done

Working on a homemade fermented Gingerale, I will post the recipe once success is achieved, i have just begun the starter of sugar, ginger and water, the whole process will take 2 weeks, i am excited. Stripping the coffee table, and a little disappointed in what I found, oh well, maybe a repaint instead of a stain. Reading Reading Reading, napping, gazing at pear tree buds, sparrows, and orange sunsets through my bedroom window, in late afternoon. Using the hell out of my juicer. Being a better housekeeper, is keeping my mind a little less cluttered. Planting here and there. What are you working on? What gives your monkey mind a rest?

Pieces

Stringing together fragments and pieces while looking for wholeness. Gratitude for Breathing fully Sleeping through the night for the first time in (2) months Mid Afternoon dozing to the hum of the mower outside, and a very vocal owl Sun streaming across my room through branches and landing on my face Reading beautiful words and sharing beautiful pain from "A Journal of Solitude" May Sarton. Filling my body with fresh natural food to nurture and counter the strong steroid and anti-biotic I am on, a different kind of breathing. Tell me about your fragments and pieces, I would love to hear about the pieces you grasp onto to sustain you.

You are already Home

What I read this morning, and so needed to read at this moment. It voiced where I am in this moment. It was from Awakening Shakti author listed below. Why do you wait? There really is no point (anymore) to these veils you hang between you and this world. I'm not asking you to answer that question. In fact, the analyzing, trying desperately to figure out "why?" is one of the ropes that has wrapped around you and pulled you deeper under ground into your dark comfortable loneliness. It's a trick you play on yourself. "If I watch myself watching the world from this safe place long enough, I'll be able calculate the distance form here to there, orient myself to this and that, then draw a map of all of it. THEN, when I've memorized the map, I'll make a plan, I'll figure out the various entry points, noting my emergency escape routes, THEN I'll contemplate how to begin my journey." It is simply exHAUSting. So there you sit, in your analysis paralysis, spinning off into goddess knows where when ..... Here is Here. (How could it be anywhere else?) You are You. (Stop trying to be anyone else!) You are already Here. You are smack center where you have always wanted to be. You are already Home. ~ Toi Lynn Wyle

Leo Moon

Oh you fierce LEO Moon. Last night such a beautiful Orb.

Barefoot in green grass, this moon pulled me in and swept me up. The fairies joined as well

A re-do and Sticky Stuff

Hmmm! Firstly the sticky stuff, the stuff that keeps you quiet and scratching your head, and holding your heart. I need to make up with someone, and by make up I mean I can never go back and fix it, and i cannot do what they want me to do with my life....Because honestly I am a complex person, in that I kind of find comfort in my dark corners, and that makes a lot of people, namely people that mean everything to me worried. Worried I suppose that I am settling, that I am not living the life they saw for me???????? At any rate the make up, is really sticky because you see, I cannot breath without these loves, and I cannot stop being me either. I just have to be less me in their presence. Does any of this make sense?? I am such a flood of emotions, I am thrilled because we are finally coming together, a healing of sorts is taking place, I hope. I am a little sad because I mourn the before fall out era, I am a little angry because I have to walk lightly and watch my words, until this tender thing heals, and maybe for ever with them. I love them, I need them, the inner conflict goes on, and as much as it goes against what i am trying to accomplish in my journey, i will meet them where they are, and I will honor them, and their truth, and my responsibility for them.

On a lighter note a Re-Do, a rusty, dirty little thing for $6.00 at a barn sale. I cannot wait to have my way with her. I have already started the cleaning and sanding. I can tell you that the rust will stay. I love rich wood, but this girl is getting a bleached wood stain grayish in tone, to highlight all of that rusty mechanical goodness from the 20's or 30's. I will need to decide which fabric she will wear. I will show an after shortly. I am sanding, cleaning, and being very impatient. Happy Valentine's Day Love. I cannot wait to participate in Sage Goddess Full Moon Ritual this evening.

Finding my Joy

Joy was the word I chose for 2014. There are more that I want to live by, and work through for 2014 but living in joyful moments is necessary for me now. I need to find and acknowledge joy in even the most fleeting of moments, create joy. My goal is of course living in the moment, showing up. I will acknowledge here my joy in the small and not so small, as a prayer of gratitude. As I said in my last post, i am working on creating a healing, sacred, thriving space for myself and my home. It is my meditation room/office?? It is a work in progress, but right now the colors, and the pieces of things I treasure are giving me peace and Joy! That last pic is the before picture, of my gloomy office. I feel like i can breathe in here now, and i feel held in here. Still working on making it very special. I would love to see or hear about your sacred space, or you plans for a space. I think we can carve out any small space and just claim it, I plan on doing this around my home.

Healing Space

I have been obsessively creating my office/meditation space,and it is almost complete, well never really complete, but rather ready. Ready to nurture, heal, and hold me. Last night I participated in Sage Goddess online live full moon ritual, and what a treat for body and soul. The Wolf Moon was beautiful last night with a warm glow. I do believe however it was contributing to a lethargy and physical heaviness i was feeling yesterday and last evening, all week really, just pushing myself slow and steady with the help of DH to make my space right. I bathed in my primal sea detox clay, salts, kelp, essential oils. Drank lots of water, lit candles, incense, sage, and annointed with Lavender essential oil. I felt warm and embraced in my little healing space. The ritual with energetic and powerful, I believe the energy we shared created healing in each of us, and anyone in our thoughts, hearts, and spheres. I am coming along, my space is coming along, there are still things to do, and there always will be. I brought in things i had held onto that were waiting for a space, i painted my walls a vibrant yet warm green, with accents of turquoise. I bought what I refer to as "Groovy Buddha" at an estate sale a few days ago, when I saw my 60's 70's retro Buddha I thought I would paint him, but just cant, the thought and care someone putting into making this ceramic buddha that many years ago is sweet, with his orange peely paint, silver accents, for now he will remain unchanged. I still need to bring a rug, some special art, etc... but I will post a pic of where I am now on the process. The desk will get a remake, i am attempting to recreate the look of a zinc top, my office chair will get recovered in vintage burlap coffee sack, my mother is recovering my pouf. Coming along. Have you created your healing space?

Falling off the edge of the Earth

I tell you folks for an introvert, going through some deep soul work of the dark kind it is difficult to maintain relationships. I wish I could explain to people in a way they understand that my introversion, my need for solitude, my drawing inward is not an intentional pulling away, but I guess it is none the less. I am dangerous zone now, cleaning, organizing, contemplating, and barely leaving the house, solitude is like a pacifier for me, but it can also be a bit maddening, deep in your own thoughts, your own crazy thoughts. I have only had a couple of close friendships, and they understand, because for the most part they are much like me, as a result, the need for solitude, and the general lack of need for constant maintenance the friendships have turned into we see and talk to each other rarely, the up side, we have no doubt that in the toughest times, they will be the ones that will be there. On days like the ones lately I have to admit that I dont feel like a good friend. I am not good at nurturing friendships, part of this is made of equal parts - introversion, insecurity (not enoughness),and a fucked up fathers view points and perimeters of friendships as i was growing up, and anxiety namely social anxiety. Most females in my life growing up, never bothered to try to see past these issues, and just assumed that i was a snob, which is so far from the truth. The ones that have, are the ones I mentioned above. I have a friend that will always tell me what i want to hear, and one that tells me the hard truths, but those relationships are reserved for catastrophic life events, does that make any sense???? Crazy I know. I have a couple of friends that seem so unorthodox and unlikely that it puzzles. We have so little in common, I do not understand their way of moving in the world, and they do not understand mine. However; for some reason they like me, they bring out something in me that feels like a breath of fresh air, something alien to my permanent way of being a vacation from inside my head with terrible jokes, shallow meaningless conversations, and laughter that makes me ache. I have been remiss, one of my Buddy's as we call each other, one of the frivolous kind, well we met at work, she left over a year ago, and of course I left a couple of months ago, nothing was the same for me at that point at work, and i was neglectful at keeping that alive, it seemed just that too frivolous too lacking in substance. She has reached out to me a few times, lets have lunch?, lets have dinner? Something always came up for me, or I wasnt in a place where i felt i could be in her world on that particular day. I was laying in bed a couple of nights ago, thinking about the last time we were all together, and how silly joyful, i was thinking how rare that is for me. I was thinking about a group of people i worked with, who brought out something in me i had not seen in a long time, something I liked, something that made me feel alive and apart of something. They have all reached out to me, but I have just barely reached back. all of the sudden, even though I know that in general the dynamic has been divided, i missed it terribly, i felt like such a squanderer? I guess I am on a constant search for sisters that get me. A circle, that is why the web has become important to me. Sometimes with the exception a few comments, i feel that i am just speaking out into space, bearing my feelings and thoughts boring and self indulgent though they may be to something that may not exist for me. I told my "buddy" that I missed her and had not seen her in too long, and that I wanted to take her to lunch this week, and that I am sorry that I cancelled on her before. Her response to me which at that moment was very profound " Its not my fault, I tried to catch you before you fell of the edge of the earth" and that is what it feels like, like I am letting myself fall off the edge of the earth, and if i am not careful, there may a whole lot of nothing but me there. My world is getting smaller, and I need to put the brakes on that. Not sure if any of this rambling made any sense???? Would love to know your out there in deep space of the interwebs.

Clearing Space, Claiming Space

Finally in a place of clearing space, in my home, heart, and mind for the abundance of experience i want to claim for 2014 and forward. My office became a catch all, it got to a point where it felt like it was moving in on me. Obviously if I plan to run a successful business i need a nurturing space to do it in. A space that is sacred, clear, and special, as well as highly functional for business purposes. It is important to me that each room in my home functions, and each room contains natural elements and sacred spaces. Doing the cathartic work of moving cleaning, planning organizing, but with an eye and plan towards making my office a meditation, healing space as well. I cant wait to share when i am done. My little apothecary corner, my altar, feels so freeing. My home looks like a tornado hit it, with DH and I pulling everything out of its cubby holes, hiding places, and dark corners. When you are stuck in, on dark dreary days, it is the perfect opportunity to purge, and make the hard decisions, to choose to really live and thrive in your space. Will we ever be minimalist, ah No! I like open clean spaces without clutter, but I also loves bits and pieces around me that connect me to mama earth, and just little things that make me sigh with delight. Are you clearing space these days?

A call for healing Circle of Light

Sending healing light and love to Kelly Clark. Joining others with light from across all lines. Please join in lighting your candle, whispering your prayer, to send your intense light to this wonderful soul.

Word of the Year?

Happy New Year Everyone! Another chance, well as we know each day we wake is another chance. I am still trying to choose my word of the year. I am vacillating between Dream & Joy. I need some Joy big time this year, I need to get there, I just need to be there. Dream keeps coming up for me, in messages from journey, and friends, as well as a knowing that if I want to make this creative life work, I will need to live in that Dream. Dreaming, Day dreaming anyway has not been hard for me. I think it is natural. Joy on the otherhand, is rare and fleeting, perhaps if I can conjure up joy, it will be the motor that drives the dream. Hmmm! I am leaning more towards Joy, I would like to feel that more in my life instead of the rare occasion, and perhaps if I choose Joy, it will compel me to do more for others as well. Have you chosen your word??? I would love to hear.