Monday, January 13, 2014
Falling off the edge of the Earth
I tell you folks for an introvert, going through some deep soul work of the dark kind it is difficult to maintain relationships. I wish I could explain to people in a way they understand that my introversion, my need for solitude, my drawing inward is not an intentional pulling away, but I guess it is none the less. I am dangerous zone now, cleaning, organizing, contemplating, and barely leaving the house, solitude is like a pacifier for me, but it can also be a bit maddening, deep in your own thoughts, your own crazy thoughts. I have only had a couple of close friendships, and they understand, because for the most part they are much like me, as a result, the need for solitude, and the general lack of need for constant maintenance the friendships have turned into we see and talk to each other rarely, the up side, we have no doubt that in the toughest times, they will be the ones that will be there. On days like the ones lately I have to admit that I dont feel like a good friend. I am not good at nurturing friendships, part of this is made of equal parts - introversion, insecurity (not enoughness),and a fucked up fathers view points and perimeters of friendships as i was growing up, and anxiety namely social anxiety. Most females in my life growing up, never bothered to try to see past these issues, and just assumed that i was a snob, which is so far from the truth. The ones that have, are the ones I mentioned above. I have a friend that will always tell me what i want to hear, and one that tells me the hard truths, but those relationships are reserved for catastrophic life events, does that make any sense???? Crazy I know. I have a couple of friends that seem so unorthodox and unlikely that it puzzles. We have so little in common, I do not understand their way of moving in the world, and they do not understand mine. However; for some reason they like me, they bring out something in me that feels like a breath of fresh air, something alien to my permanent way of being a vacation from inside my head with terrible jokes, shallow meaningless conversations, and laughter that makes me ache. I have been remiss, one of my Buddy's as we call each other, one of the frivolous kind, well we met at work, she left over a year ago, and of course I left a couple of months ago, nothing was the same for me at that point at work, and i was neglectful at keeping that alive, it seemed just that too frivolous too lacking in substance. She has reached out to me a few times, lets have lunch?, lets have dinner? Something always came up for me, or I wasnt in a place where i felt i could be in her world on that particular day. I was laying in bed a couple of nights ago, thinking about the last time we were all together, and how silly joyful, i was thinking how rare that is for me. I was thinking about a group of people i worked with, who brought out something in me i had not seen in a long time, something I liked, something that made me feel alive and apart of something. They have all reached out to me, but I have just barely reached back. all of the sudden, even though I know that in general the dynamic has been divided, i missed it terribly, i felt like such a squanderer? I guess I am on a constant search for sisters that get me. A circle, that is why the web has become important to me. Sometimes with the exception a few comments, i feel that i am just speaking out into space, bearing my feelings and thoughts boring and self indulgent though they may be to something that may not exist for me. I told my "buddy" that I missed her and had not seen her in too long, and that I wanted to take her to lunch this week, and that I am sorry that I cancelled on her before. Her response to me which at that moment was very profound " Its not my fault, I tried to catch you before you fell of the edge of the earth" and that is what it feels like, like I am letting myself fall off the edge of the earth, and if i am not careful, there may a whole lot of nothing but me there. My world is getting smaller, and I need to put the brakes on that. Not sure if any of this rambling made any sense???? Would love to know your out there in deep space of the interwebs.