The Thing I Seek

My journey over my lifetime, and especially this year has been at times too slow, too fast, too painful, joyous, heartbreaking, affirming, fleeting, and at the same time just right at all times. The more I traverse, these hills and valleys the more I realize they are such a necessary part of the plan. I have admonished myself for comparing my journey to others, I know this is fruitless, but it falls back to an insecurity, of believing that I am taking too long to reach the awareness I seek. I am learning to trust myself deeply, to know that I am where I am supposed to be, and each of our journey's are sacred and individual even if that differs drastically from my perception. I am starting to see that I truly already possess that thing I seek, that awareness, that must be slowly uncovered like a treasure. I will stumble, I will fall, I will doubt, but I will not stop digging, and I will always get back up. I will continue to seek connection with kindreds, and know that I am whole, and enough. That my truth and answers are ancient and sacred and waiting to be uncovered, which allows me to enjoy connection and learn in a light way of being that i can travel this path, and admire the fruit, and appreciate its offering. That its okay to seek a lamp light occasionally, and be gentle with myself, and hopefully be a lamp light and safe place for someone else's journey.    



I hope you will go out and let stories happen to you, and that you will work them, water them with your blood and tears and you laughter till they bloom, till you yourself burst into bloom.”
― Clarissa Pinkola Estés Women who run with Wolves. Wild Woman Archetype

The Block

I have been in a funk lately, the funk you get after a high....the high of awareness, awakening, knowing....the openess, and a door slams shut....it is puzzling because you want to let your soul light shine, you want to connect, share, learn, expand....youve done so much work. .... what is this door slam, this dark. I can only look to self, because only i could have shut the door, blocked the light....I havent been able to wrap my mind around it....it is a puzzle for me to figure out...The blockage seems to have began when I realized that I feel very aware, and have delved deeply into my own psyche my own dark spaces, the triumph of that should leave me energized and connected, but no, I feel calm, at peace, tranquil...the stir was when I asked the question of how I can be aware, awake, spiritual and energized as opposed to totally zen... which is great, but I feel that I need action to propel.... maybe i am overthinking....just the thought the question, has made me delve deeper into a sluggishness. The answer I believe is that my energy is blocked... by things i am still holding onto...namely weight, perhaps my chakra is blocked. I have unresolved relationships, important parental relationships... It was revealed to me that perhaps... I am holding onto the weight (because I do nothing about it even though I desperately want it gone) because it is protecting me from myself, maybe I am fearful of my own power and my own knowledge, maybe wants the light is blinding, and for all to see that I cannot hide anymore, that space of comfort will be forever gone for me.... I must fight this and do the physical work perhaps it will assist to unblock...be my own friend, and do the right thing for my body, my esteem....The other issue is my father....that will be for the next post....it's complicated!