Waiting to exhale

Or waiting for my parachute to open....On some days it is like my life cant begin until I walk away from my corporate job, in a little over a week, but is also like, OMG, What am I thinking, breath, breath, chocolate, more chocolate. I am just a ball of nerves, holding my breath and struggling to find my peace, I know it is there, and i do find it in moments when I just carve out solitude and breath. In those anxious moments I quiver with the remembering of struggling in the past, and the tension that can create in a marriage. The sleepless nights. I tell myself, that was then and this is now, and there is a wish on my tongue, and that I have the ability, resources, and a goal. I know that I now have a well to draw from, and fertile soil which has been planted in. Times may get tough around here, but I will do my best to keep posting here, to give my self this journal to share with someone who needs to hear it, someone who can relate, someone who can teach, and lift me up (you know who you are) Be patient with me when I regress a bit and struggle, when my knowing becomes foggy, and my goal becomes blurry, and please revel with me when I am driven, and passioniate, and my clarity makes me feel divine. Yesterday, I felt like I held my breath and my heart the whole day squeezed tight. Test were hitting me hard any heavy (or so i convinced myself) testing the limits of my finances (which are small) and my resolve. Today I am home, being gentle with and nurturing myself. I am reading Women who runs with Wolves daily, and will share some nuggets with you later that have spoken to me, and let me know that even though I feel like i am falling flat, I am "feeding my psyche" and my spirit when i engage in reading, listening to, and talking about my light, all of our light, and the magic that we all are. We are so much greater than we can even imagine. Have a wonderful day! Snuggle up with a book, and a warm drink. Nap in the sun, walk in a beautiful place, spend quality time with furry friends. Much Love. Please share your thoughts and tools with me...

The Squeeze

I am literally a couple of weeks from my last day (in the cubicle hell) and I wont lie, even though I am not waivering on my goal and desire to stay away from that world I am having panic stricken days thrown in. because quite frankly I dont have a real safety net, but if i am honest with myself I do an invisible one, that i have to trust is there. I will use this blessing to nurture the seeds of my greatest wishes and goals. What I am experiencing right now is a squeeze, even though i refuse to let this event and the task ahead of me choke me back, it is much like squeezing a balloon, somethings gotta give! and what has been giving for me is something so very important to me, it is my eating habits, being in this body, honoring this body. I had done so well, felt so well, i felt healthy, fit, light, for a while. When I got back from Hawaii, and faced the idea of some of the challenges i was facing. It kicked in like an addict, craving carbs, sugar, just bad stuff. I have been stuffing my face, i will eat really healthy for the most the day, but its like i cannot over come this anxiety driven craving. As a result of this 8 pounds have been gained in the course of less than 2 months, I feel terrible. I physically feel terrible. I cannot do that injustice to myself, and I have to stop this train, because if i dont have my resolve and physical health in control, my ability to give my company everything i have will be diminished. And so it is, and so it shall begin. Do you feel the squeeze? Do you get one piece in order, and the other suffers? That balance word comes to mind, as well as getting the Alchemy right>>>

Dear Human

I don't know where this came from. My daughter found it and posted it. It again is synchronicity in my life. Most especially the unconditional love part, as that was really going to be what my post was about. QUOTE FROM WRITER COURTNEY A WALSH After I had my "tune up" as it were as i discussed in my last post. Gail told me that I would have lucid dreams and visions, and that i needed to pay close attention to them. As I left the session, a hawk flew low directly in front of my truck for a while. It felt like a confirmation that I was indeed open and a receiver. I will tell you that I have not seen my father in about 4 years, and that prior to seeing him that one day, i did not see him for at least 2 years. My dad is a troubled, wandering man with many demons, and quite frankly he is toxic. He realizes this, and I believe he chooses not to be in our lives for this reason, and right or wrong, i do honor that. Or at least that is what it feels like, perhaps i am really hiding, and relieved to not have to deal with the fire storm that is my dad. I love my dad, he is severely bi polar and was not diagnosed until i was an adult. He made things difficult always, he made you make impossible decisions, and choices, he questioned your every move and motive, but he was also another man, a man who would not lie, a man with pride, and a very strong work ethic. In the wee hours of morning, i had a dream, a very brief dream, it was my dad, he wasn't the drained pained man i saw the last time we met, he was the father of my childhood, in his highest form, he was healthy, strong and patient. You see my sister, and my daughters, have put it at my feet to find my father, i don't know where he is, none of us have seen or heard from him in a few years. (That sounds terrible I know) I have been looking lately checking with family members that he alienated us from when we were children intentionally (too long of a story) Waiting to hear back from them, so if perhaps one of them has seen or heard from him. Back to my dream, my dad walked up to me, and he said what is it that you need from me? I said I need (2) things from you, i need unconditional love, and the 2nd thing eludes me, it is driving me a little crazy. The not knowing, because I do know somewhere, is it for him to be normal??? To be available?? to be healthy??? I don't know. And i questioned today perhaps i need to give myself the unconditional love i seek from this man. My dad always told me from the time i was little "never forget, that no one will ever love you as much as I do" The duality of this man confounds me still. Anyway, when this popped up this post Dear Human, it spoke to me. I think it is correct, am I really here for, and do I really need earthly unconditional love. I believe it is true that i came from and will go back to Unconditional love. So this walk of sometimes crawling, trudging, running, leaping and flying is enough in itself.

Ancient Tools Sacred Alchemy

Synchronicity and alignment tools, have been presenting themselves to me with frequency. The Universe is offering ancient tools toward my spiritual alignment, assisting me to light the path on this traverse of new territory that I feel so good, and so terrified of at the same time. All is as it should be in this moment. I treated myself to sound therapy with Gail of Tuning the world at http://www.tuningtheworld.biz/. Gail has been on a fascinating and wonderful journey to ancient sites, opening herself to the energy those sacred spaces, in Peru, Mexico, and most recently Costa Rica. I did not set out seeking her services, but as luck, or the Universe would have it, I met Gail through a friend of my mother, and she was gracious enough to see me at the last minute the afternoon before she left again on her sacred walk. It was wonderful medicine, it resonated with me on every level, I have been working on Chakra for several months now. The session with Gail, and her tuning forks, spiritual guidance, insight, validated my feelings concerning the condition of my Chakra, and the also validated that my intention and work has been fruitful. If you are interested in this type of assistance to assist in self healing, i highly recommend it. If you do not feel drawn to this type of energy work that is understandable. This area energy work may not be needed or desired by you, but if you are thinking about it, or are curious I would definitely check it out. Just find a good practitioner that you feel a connection with and with good feedback. HOW IT WORKS Each Solfeggio fork is calibrated with a chakra frequency Tone, frequency and vibration balance our disturbed equilibrium Stimulating new energy Rasing our vibratory frequency Sound patterning through vibrations of re newed energy re pattern the body's physiology Promoting self healing I have to tell you when I had the session with Gail, it felt like a very futuristic, yet at the same time felt ancient, but mostly it just felt right to seek this energetic alignment. Have you had any experiences you would like to share about this subject, or any tools you use that you would like to share? I would love to hear.

Soul Food BREATH OF LIFE

ALOHA KE AKUA IN HAWAIIN, MEANS GOD IS LOVE, OR BREATH OF LIFE I HOPE YOU WILL TAKE THE TIME OUT TO ABSORB YOURSELF FOR A FEW MINUTES. A BEAUTIFUL PRAYER A BEAUTIFUL MEDITATION. NAHKO BEAR TOUCHES MY SOUL.