Friday, February 1, 2013
THE SKY OPENED
Steve feels compelled to take pictures of the sun lately.
I could have titled this post many things, Masculine/Feminine Balance, The masculine role in the sacred feminine, or Men who run with women who run with the wolves, Ha!
It's hard to even put into words really, because it is about a life time, my lifetime, many lifetimes, and the dynamic of men and women. The tragedy of being unheard, misunderstood, and the ecstasy and joy of being heard, and the stars aligning.
I believe that most of us realize when we have a great hope, a wish full of heart and soulful intentions the Universe will align itself to help us achieve that, if we are in alignment ourselves.
I always talk about balance, and working alchemy in my own life, Finding balance in my physical, spiritual, my marriage. One of the major issues that i still struggle with is my need to nurture the men over my lifetime.to care take, to assure. I was born into this. My father was severely Bi-Polar and went un-diagnosed until i was grown and on my own.
What did that look like for me? A man, my dad, strong, very masculine, very macho, very handsome. He taught me about character, and integrity. He taught me many things, about strength which is ironic really, since this little story is about what i perceive to be my greatest weakness. the flip side of my dad, was rage, incredible dangerous rage, irrational paranoid behavior, accusations which could not be satisfied with any rational answer.
I learned his triggers very early on, as if i was born knowing, although I know now it was conditioning. My mother never learned, in over 30 years she never got it, she never knew the words, phrases, actions that would send him over the edge, I did before I could even name it, I knew as soon as she said or did a certain thing, what would follow, I resented that she never picked on this, never. As if it were her job, why did I expect this from her, perhaps, I wanted her to try harder to shield my eyes, and my ears from this horrible thing. To learn to just keep her mouth shut when he was in one of those moods....
My dad never physically abused me in any way, but the emotional scars are deep and the baggage was heavy.
Amazingly, after feeling dread, fear and panic during those episodes, I would immediately, feel such deep sadness, for my dad, I felt so sorry for him, for his pain, his rage, his lack of control. That look on his face when he realized what he had done, what he said, that he could not un-say...When the storm would pass, and my dad would retreat outside in quiet place I would find him, and sit next to him; he was so ashamed he could not even look at me...
(Wow I just started crying while writing this, amazing the things we thought we let go of)
I would lean into him, and say Dad you know it's okay don't you, you know I love you, and I am not mad at you. I know you didn't mean any of those things you said, and I have already forgotten what you said. Those things you broke, they are all replaceable, and you can't do anything to make me not love you....He would soften, tell me he loved me, and give me a hug. I did this from probably 4 years old until i was 19 years old. Maybe even earlier than that. What made me want to comfort him, I don't know, I did feel brave when i did it, like i was pulling a thorn out of a lions paw. I do know that this became my role; it became a comfortable
norm for me, setting me up for a dangerous pattern. I would sometimes wonder if that is indeed true, or if i was born only for this reason.
I wont go into the tragedy of my early relationships, my first marriage which ended with a suicide, of a husband i could not save.
I never thought I would marry again after that, not because I wasn't capable of love, but I was apparently not capable of not losing myself in someone else's pain. I am an independent person by nature, a free thinker, tolerant, a woman who actually always enjoyed being alone, but a man who could put in the work to get past my walls, and love me fiercely has been my weakness, and a dose of unloved bad boy thrown in, now we are in dangerous familiar territory. I have never been physically abused by a man.
I am a very calm laid back person, almost too laid back. I have always been attracted to fun, outgoing, passionate, outrageous people.
In 1999 I married my best friend. The love of my life. He is passionate in every regard, very dramatic, eccentric, artistic, a LEO in every way. He is also a light bearer in many ways, he keeps me interested and makes me feel loved, and appreciated. He would say right now that i am giving qualifiers to prove he is a good person to excuse some bad behavior on his part, he keeps me honest that way.
I feel like I have PTSD from my childhood and my first marriage, not to mention being a major introvert. When Steve get even the least bit upset or angry, I just turn into that little girl again. He is nothing like my dad, but again triggers, and of course I do my usual Ms fix it, making excuses, coddling. He has his own triggers and baggage like most of us.
My frustration with this subject on my journey is the issue I still have of wanting his happiness and contentedness above my own spiritual journey, my full release of that wild woman. She tries to come out, and I know that if I am honoring her, I should speak the truth, she knows, I stifle her, because I don't want to hurt feelings, or ego's, or make apologies because someone I care about is feeling threatened or vulnerable.
I appreciate the fact that Steve and I have wonderful conversations, and share some really wonderfully crazy ideas, and dreams, that we are so much on the same wave. We share in meaningful rituals to honor that which is most important to us. We are for the most part in alignment , but there is always that lingering little resentment of a voice that really, truly wants to be heard, and not just heard but understood, oh she comes out, but only in the middle of or after an argument, but then she just sounds defensive and angry to the wounded ear.
My dear husband in an effort to gain insight and honor the sacred feminine took it upon himself to pick up 2 of my books and begin reading them, Dance of the Dissident Daughter, and Women Who Run with the Wolves. The transformation, is amazing; he came to me recently and said every man should read this. He told me that he was beginning to truly see and understand as well as respect and revere a woman's wild nature, and the sacred feminine. And he feels that men have been just as cheated as women, cheated in the sense that ancient wisdom was stifled. What really blew me away was the fact that last evening, he sat me down and told me he needed to know that he has come to realizations about our relationships, about his insecurities, his baggage, his conditioning.
How had always felt it was enough to appreciate and value me, and let me do my own thing, and try to be supportive. He said he always felt that he was open-minded, but he realized that even though he was not obviously pushing down my true nature, who I really am. That he really was doing just that, because he knew that I cannot stand to see him in pain, or sad, or wanting and that I defer to him especially if he was angry or disappointed, he knew that I sat aside what I truly needed and wanted to make him feel better in the moment. He said he realized that he was in essence controlling me, by the fact that I would not really say what I really wanted to say, and that this was affecting me living in my true nature.
He said that while I came to him in this state of conditioning, but he had no right to use this against me, he realizes that this is what he has been doing.
He wants balance in our relationship, and would strive to keep himself and his intentions in check. We thought perhaps I should come up with a word when we are engaged and I am not feeling heard, or I am feeling manipulated, I should use the word to bring him back to center.
We have been getting along wonderfully lately, so the fact that he did this in a time of relative marital health instead a time of crisis is soul stirring, and endearing. I love my best friend....
I am not sure you care anything about my long story here, where I am currently on my journey, or what a monumental growth this is in my journey, my sacred partnership. It again proves to me that the Universe whispered my noblest of wishes and secret prayer into my loves ear. I can truly fully experience the Wild Woman, sacred feminine, knowing that I have been heard, and understood.
Sorry to be so rambley???? I would love to hear your thoughts, about anything really. Living with a loved one with Bi Polar disorder, spirituality and the role it plays in your relationships, co dependence, enabling..
Though her soul requires seeing, the culture around her requires sightlessness. Though her soul wishes to speak its truth, she is pressured to be silent.”
― Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype