Season of the New

Here is also a new, I have never like pictures of myself, so I will start posting them more often, until I stop cringing. Not that I think you have any desire to see pics of me, but learning to love myself a little more in a different way. . 

I am really excited about this year, this is the season of the New, the Year of the New! I certainly felt a shift of energy, and I am unsure where this is taking us, but doors and windows to hearts and souls have been open, everyone I know is in creative overdrive, and spirituality is a driving force. There is a lot of self care at work in my heart and home. It is still work, I long for the day when it is natural and not something I have to actively think about doing.

 I have a bit of a Martyr Syndrome. In the past I seemed to think that the more I did without, the more I suffered, the more I sacrificed,  I am not really sure what I really thought about why, and what it meant, what was I gaining, what was I punishing myself for.. Oh yes so many things...

Over the last couple of months I have been saying yes to myself, my heart so much more. I have tried to stop always doing the hard thing. This is new for me, to stop and say I matter, my comfort, my needs, my wants, matter so much.  I have never really pampered myself, I have always been the strong one, and when I used to get angry at people for holding me to that standard and they would reward me with compassion, and affection, I realized that this would not do either, I did not want to be coddled and needy, to need anyone Else's help. I would push them away.

It is a joke in my family, don't ever ask me if I need help because the answer will always be no. The answer for them if they choose, is to just to do it.  I am trying to change this, this need to be independent, strong,  and for all of them to never forget it.

I used to be hurt by the fact that during tragedies in my life I did not feel that my mother, or my sister were really truly there for me, they gave me little comfort, did not offer help, but when my sister had any type of a set back she received all of those things.  I realized something, when my sister is hurting, or in need she actively seeks it out, she will call me or my mother or both, and say I am hurting here, I don't know what to do, please help me, please talk to me or just listen, please let me know that you accept me.

I on the other hand would throw up a wall, I am fine, I just want to be alone, I can do this, thanks but no thanks, gee I wonder why they weren't all lined up to be there for me, cant say that I blame them. I don't know where this comes from, I have always been this way.  When I get hurt, as in injured I want to be left the hell alone, when I was a child and would get hurt, I went from being shy and quite to a raving maniac of get away, don't touch, don't look, my mother said I would turn into a wild animal when I was hurt.

I think I have something to learn from my little sister.

I am trying tame yet honor that wild animal.  I will stop myself now, before I say no, before I insist on taking on a burden, of any type, my heart will say, please be gentle, please be loving to you. It is getting easier. I just need to define it for myself, it is not weak, it is honoring myself, it is honoring woman. I know I can do the hard things, I just don't have to.

Wow got on a rampage, went in a different direction than I intended, I guess my heart had other thoughts it wanted to spill, Phew!

Okay back to the New. This year is a year of Newness for me, of getting out of my rut, of saying yes to me. of doing simple things like committing to go see live music or a play every month of the year. To start a yoga class and stick with it, to do an activity whether is soul lodge or other soul edifying activities. To meditate, and to commit random acts of kindness to create madly, to love madly.

Here is also a new, I have never like pictures of myself, so I will start posting them more often, until I stop cringing. Not that I think you have any desire to see pics of me, but learning to love myself a little more in a different way. .

I just let my heart and fingers ramble tonight.   Do you feel the Season of the New?