Thursday, March 15, 2012

Slippery Hill

I have not been here in a while. I am in one of those phases again. I dont feel like myself, I feel totally....out of whack.... Like you put me in a body I dont recognize. I feel sluggish, tired, emotional...sick..I have not been honoring my body, i have been dwelling in it, like an uncomfortable...sack over me, feeling confined, and not knowing which way to turn, not knowing if I am feeling sick, allergies, strange body pains, etc... and it is making me emotional, or the other way around... Eating comfort foods, that give me no comfort, and make me more uncomfortable in my body...My little joy lately has been in my "soap lab" concocting new potions for my little business with my family/partners. That gives me satisfaction... but tires me as well... My job has a cloud of uncertainty and opression over it... am I blowing things out of porportion, or not... hmmm...Yesterday I decided I would attempt to journey for help, answers...even though I was very tired, and my head was not completely clear. After finally finding my place to be, in my office, lights off, down comforter on a hard floor, pillows, and a chenille throw over me. I started a drumming CD, and lay there, fighting to get to the entry point of the under world, seeking my escape, and deperately searching for a little guidance. I asked to meet a guide, and receive medicine. It took me a while to quiet my mind sufficiently to achieve the goal. What would my entry point be, a magical place, that gives me a child like joy, a very old large cedar tree, at the Guadalupe River, an amazing tree, my husband has to pull me away from each time. it mystifies and facinates, for not only is this tree ancient, and narly, its roots, oh those roots, on that hill that goes down to the river, unbelievably, a spring of water pours out of this tree coming from the roots like fountain of life, the life blood and heartbeat of this magical tree.... I decide I will enter into the base of this tree, into an opening between those large finger roots. As much as I love it, it is an effort to stay in the moment. I must smell, feel, believe. I enter, I breathe in the dank earth, the damp, the moss, on the other side of the opening, I see the spring water creating a water fall of sorts. I throw my head back, and let it wash over me, as I enter the other side, lingering for a moment, but on the other side, not the river, not the Texas landscape familiar to me, the rocks, the river, it is instead a lush Northwest looking forest, everything lush and dripping, covered in a vibrant, living breathing moss. Waiting for me, a deer, we look at each other, it allows me to stroke its antlers, and back, we walk down a path together, side by side. We reach a mossy hill, I look up and see there is another path, I try to climb the steep hill, as deer just watches, I slide down the mossy hill on the steep embankment. Thinking maybe deer will try, or perhaps, deer will bring another guide to carry me up, to assist, but deer waits patiently until, I accept that I cannot on my own, climb up this hill. Deer looks to my left, and walks, in what appeared to be a valley to me, I follow deer, and see that a short walk away there is a small embankment narrower easier to cross, we step up onto the path, that before was so inaccessible, is now so simple. I see owl in a tree as we begin to walk down the path, I asked the owl if it has any medicine for me, owl, just begins to spread its massive wings and glide, it follows with us along the trail for a short while, and starts flying over me in circle, rapidly, and then I am back in my office, drinking it in...was deer telling me that I am making things too hard.. that i am creating this difficulty for myself, or is he telling me that I need to change the way I am doing things, and find another path of less resistance, i am pondering exactly what the slippery hill is, as at this point, it represents a few things for me.....I believe Owl must have been telling me to trust my vision, my intuition. Lots to ponder...


  1. oh yeah - I feel so much for ya. I'm the same way. It's March break here for my daughter and I think I've gained 5 lbs of greasy crappy sugary junk food. I need a cleanse, I need to get back into yoga- have you thought of that? Immediate results, emotionally anyway.
    LOVE that you saw a deer and an owl - so cool! The owl is wise and definitely a messager of some sort. You'll find your groove agaib....hang in there

  2. Thank you so much for your kind words, I agree Yoga would be ideal, and maybe I can muster the will to do a cleanse liquid/fast. Activity on my part is needed anyway.