Grown up Wounds

It's so hard, you know you think the hard part with your kids, is just getting them safe and grown, with love and guidance, and every lesson you can think of. In many ways it is easier when they are grown, your time becomes your own again, a luxury as it were. A chance to dwell within yourself and search, but in many ways it is harder, because when your children are grown the wounds are very different. You want to stand back and let them work out their own issues and responsibilities, and aside from that you really have no say in the matter any more, you have to request permission to intervene, to offer advice. Right now my baby, my 22 year old baby is hurting, and it is killing me. It is killing me because I know the pain she is in, the anxiety, anger, and depression... The realization that you have to do something, but you have no idea what that might be. It is easy to say that their lives are theirs, and you need to let them pick up the pieces and pull themselves up, but that deep aching primal maternal instinct wants to shield and protect. I know she is not a baby, and I do not baby her, but she reached out to me in such a way that brings me back to that little girl, that angry little anxious girl that lost her Dad when she was six years old, now depression, with learning the true colors of those she trusted. I offer her words of encouragement, hugs and prayers, but in reality if you told me that i could take all of this pain away from her and put it on myself I would...That is what I would do for my baby both of them, but I cant as I must honor her journey and know that this is part of it. One thing that i am pleased about is her willingness to talk to a Doctor, not only a willingness but a desperate want, when in the past she refused. I am just blathering here, I think that nothing can bring you more pain, and more joy than motherhood.

Self Care

I have really committed myself to my spiritual journey, and now more so my physical journey.  Being gentle with myself over the last few months has truly made me value myself so much more. Wanting more for this body, wanting to move forward and do the things I want to accomplish with strength, resolve, and stamina. I have banished my bad carb addiction, as well as my processed sugar addiction. Getting rid of my wheat belly from gluten.

This is work but I am worth it.

Self care these days, include healthy eating that fit into my needs and lifestyle. Good carbs, fruits, massive amounts of veggies and lean meats.

Saying no, pulling into center when others attempt to disrupt my energy and balance in a negative way.

Some of the things I am loving right now for a healthy me.

Breakfast, the good old green smoothie of course, but lately summer oatmeal, OMG! have you tried this.

Oatmeal in a refreshing way. You may actually prepare in small mason jars and they keep in the fridge for up to (5) days with the exception of banana. You put it in the fridge before bed and this next morning, eat it cold or put it in the microwave

Uncooked Old Fashioned Oats, Almond Milk (any milk will do) , and the add ins you choose, fruits, nuts, coconut, cinnamon. The combos are endless.

My 2 faves right now.

Oats, almond milk, raisins, slivered almonds, shredded unsweetened coconut, cinnamon, and a half teaspoon of coconut sugar.

Next:  Oats, almond milk, banana, coconut, almond slivers, and raw organic cocoa, again a little coconut sugar.

These are wonderful for breakfast, and healthy. They run between 220 and 250 calories depending on your add ins, for a cup.

I will try peanut butter, banana and cocoa soon. I am addicted to these, and they help me get my grains in.

Copious amounts of green tea, and oolong tea, comfort and joy, oh my!

This physical journey has more do with health, and energy, but I wont lie, the weight loss is very important to me as well, and I have been very pleased.

...and learning that if I honor my body, it will honor me, just as my spirit is honored by my life lesson, and rituals.

How does self care look for you right now? I would love to hear what you are doing to honor your body.

Those Dormant Seeds

I haven't been here in a bit. The delicate green of spring is emerging from my center, just barely peeking above the readied soil. It has been laying in its dark rich place awaiting that nudge, and what a nudge. Some dark things have come up for me lately.  I have always felt with the exception of the mother guilt which I feel I have made great strides in overcoming, I perhaps did not take complete ownership of my part of damage done to other hearts, and souls.

For a couple of reasons 1. I was weighing the pain said person cause me vs. what I could have possibly caused them 2. I did not feel that I was signifigant enough to have mattered an iota to them. 

I wont go into any great detail but basically, again opening myself to lessons this incarnation has to offer me, I have been daydreaming, and lucid dreaming about events in my life, with certain people, rather like watching a movie, but I am on the other end of my own cutting, biting words and actions, and I get to feel what that person may have felt. How that must have hurt. It was an eye opener, and a heart opener for me.

I just apologize to that person with all my heart in my heart, I push away everything they did to me, or everything I perceived had been done to me. Took me out of the equation, and made it about that person. Acknowledged the pain and the hurt.  Do I need to reach out to that person(s) that I no longer have contact with. The answer for me is no. 

My soul has reached out, my soul has acknowledged the shortcomings and roles I have played with these souls. 

I can only believe that there is some deep soul work going on, that I dont completely understand yet, but it must be necessary. A cleaning house of sorts for new things to grow, so that I may see myself in a new light. So that I may treat others differently in future. 

The rub for me in all of this, as I have moved through life with people telling me that I am too compassionate, to nice, to tolerant, that perhaps I forgot how capable I was of causing deep pain to someone, and not fully acknowledging it. 

Are you sprouting from dark places, reaching for the sun?  Let me know what this new season is shining a light on for you. I would love to hear.