Disturbing Chem trails

Watch this if you have a few minutes to spare. I was skeptical at first, but the video is an eye opener.

Season of the New

Here is also a new, I have never like pictures of myself, so I will start posting them more often, until I stop cringing. Not that I think you have any desire to see pics of me, but learning to love myself a little more in a different way. . 

I am really excited about this year, this is the season of the New, the Year of the New! I certainly felt a shift of energy, and I am unsure where this is taking us, but doors and windows to hearts and souls have been open, everyone I know is in creative overdrive, and spirituality is a driving force. There is a lot of self care at work in my heart and home. It is still work, I long for the day when it is natural and not something I have to actively think about doing.

 I have a bit of a Martyr Syndrome. In the past I seemed to think that the more I did without, the more I suffered, the more I sacrificed,  I am not really sure what I really thought about why, and what it meant, what was I gaining, what was I punishing myself for.. Oh yes so many things...

Over the last couple of months I have been saying yes to myself, my heart so much more. I have tried to stop always doing the hard thing. This is new for me, to stop and say I matter, my comfort, my needs, my wants, matter so much.  I have never really pampered myself, I have always been the strong one, and when I used to get angry at people for holding me to that standard and they would reward me with compassion, and affection, I realized that this would not do either, I did not want to be coddled and needy, to need anyone Else's help. I would push them away.

It is a joke in my family, don't ever ask me if I need help because the answer will always be no. The answer for them if they choose, is to just to do it.  I am trying to change this, this need to be independent, strong,  and for all of them to never forget it.

I used to be hurt by the fact that during tragedies in my life I did not feel that my mother, or my sister were really truly there for me, they gave me little comfort, did not offer help, but when my sister had any type of a set back she received all of those things.  I realized something, when my sister is hurting, or in need she actively seeks it out, she will call me or my mother or both, and say I am hurting here, I don't know what to do, please help me, please talk to me or just listen, please let me know that you accept me.

I on the other hand would throw up a wall, I am fine, I just want to be alone, I can do this, thanks but no thanks, gee I wonder why they weren't all lined up to be there for me, cant say that I blame them. I don't know where this comes from, I have always been this way.  When I get hurt, as in injured I want to be left the hell alone, when I was a child and would get hurt, I went from being shy and quite to a raving maniac of get away, don't touch, don't look, my mother said I would turn into a wild animal when I was hurt.

I think I have something to learn from my little sister.

I am trying tame yet honor that wild animal.  I will stop myself now, before I say no, before I insist on taking on a burden, of any type, my heart will say, please be gentle, please be loving to you. It is getting easier. I just need to define it for myself, it is not weak, it is honoring myself, it is honoring woman. I know I can do the hard things, I just don't have to.

Wow got on a rampage, went in a different direction than I intended, I guess my heart had other thoughts it wanted to spill, Phew!

Okay back to the New. This year is a year of Newness for me, of getting out of my rut, of saying yes to me. of doing simple things like committing to go see live music or a play every month of the year. To start a yoga class and stick with it, to do an activity whether is soul lodge or other soul edifying activities. To meditate, and to commit random acts of kindness to create madly, to love madly.

Here is also a new, I have never like pictures of myself, so I will start posting them more often, until I stop cringing. Not that I think you have any desire to see pics of me, but learning to love myself a little more in a different way. .

I just let my heart and fingers ramble tonight.   Do you feel the Season of the New?

WHAT GIVES ME COMFORT

At the moment, while embracing this quiet reflective meditative seed planting time I find great comfort in small things. This is what self care looks like for me at the moment

1. Books- Women who run with the Wolves, read slowly and sporadically as needed like a good dose of wild medicine. In the middle of  The Alchemist by Coehlo, and when that is finished I will move onto the Dance of the Dissident Daughter.
2. Music- Deep and Soulful to the bones.
3. Romance watching my husband in art creation mode, he is illuminated and there is nothing sexier
4. Movies- Beast of the Southern Wild
5. Medicine for the Soul- Pixie Campbell's January Soul Lodge and a meaningful journey with Grand Mother Bear.
6. Body Medicine- Long Hot baths with my homemade bath de-tox, herbs and vitamins, green smoothies, and soon very soon, a journey for the body to gather strength, and be fully fit. Good Food.
7. Meaningful Connections

I turned 48 years old today, and this old Aquarius embraced this day. The Crone is making my heart wiser and my intuition stronger.

What is giving you comfort these days???

THE SKY OPENED

                                         Steve feels compelled to take pictures of the sun lately.


I could have titled this post many things, Masculine/Feminine Balance, The masculine role in the sacred feminine, or Men who run with women who run with the wolves, Ha!

It's hard to even put into words really, because it is about a life time, my lifetime, many lifetimes, and the dynamic of men and women. The tragedy of being unheard, misunderstood, and the ecstasy and joy of being heard, and the stars aligning.

I believe that most of us realize when we have a great hope, a wish full of heart and soulful intentions the Universe will align itself to help us achieve that, if we are in alignment ourselves.

I always talk about balance, and working alchemy in my own life, Finding balance in my physical, spiritual, my marriage. One of the major issues that i still struggle with is my need to nurture the men over my lifetime.to care take, to assure. I was born into this. My father was severely Bi-Polar and went un-diagnosed until i was grown and on my own.

What did that look like for me? A man, my dad, strong, very masculine, very macho, very handsome. He taught me about character, and integrity. He taught me many things, about strength which is ironic really, since this little story is about what i perceive to be my greatest weakness. the flip side of my dad, was rage, incredible dangerous rage, irrational paranoid behavior, accusations which could not be satisfied with any rational answer.

I learned his triggers very early on, as if i was born knowing, although I know now it was conditioning. My mother never learned, in over 30 years she never got it, she never knew the words, phrases, actions that would send him over the edge, I did before I could even name it, I knew as soon as she said or did a certain thing, what would follow, I resented that she never picked on this, never. As if it were her job, why did I expect this from her, perhaps, I wanted her to try harder to shield my eyes, and my ears from this horrible thing. To learn to just keep her mouth shut when he was in one of those moods....

My dad never physically abused me in any way, but the emotional scars are deep and the baggage was heavy.

Amazingly, after feeling dread, fear and panic during those episodes, I would immediately, feel such deep sadness, for my dad, I felt so sorry for him, for his pain, his rage, his lack of control. That look on his face when he realized what he had done, what he said, that he could not un-say...When the storm would pass, and my dad would retreat outside in quiet place I would find him, and sit next to him; he was so ashamed he could not even look at me...

(Wow I just started crying while writing this, amazing the things we thought we let go of)

I would lean into him, and say Dad you know it's okay don't you, you know I love you, and I am not mad at you. I know you didn't mean any of those things you said, and I have already forgotten what you said. Those things you broke, they are all replaceable, and you can't do anything to make me not love you....He would soften, tell me he loved me, and give me a hug. I did this from probably 4 years old until i was 19 years old. Maybe even earlier than that. What made me want to comfort him, I don't know, I did feel brave when i did it, like i was pulling a thorn out of a lions paw. I do know that this became my role; it became a comfortable
norm for me, setting me up for a dangerous pattern. I would sometimes wonder if that is indeed true, or if i was born only for this reason.

I wont go into the tragedy of my early relationships, my first marriage which ended with a suicide, of a husband i could not save.

I never thought I would marry again after that, not because I wasn't capable of love, but I was apparently not capable of not losing myself in someone else's pain. I am an independent person by nature, a free thinker, tolerant, a woman who actually always enjoyed being alone, but a man who could put in the work to get past my walls, and love me fiercely has been my weakness, and a dose of unloved bad boy thrown in, now we are in dangerous familiar territory. I have never been physically abused by a man.

I am a very calm laid back person, almost too laid back. I have always been attracted to fun, outgoing, passionate, outrageous people.

In 1999 I married my best friend. The love of my life. He is passionate in every regard, very dramatic, eccentric, artistic, a LEO in every way. He is also a light bearer in many ways, he keeps me interested and makes me feel loved, and appreciated. He would say right now that i am giving qualifiers to prove he is a good person to excuse some bad behavior on his part, he keeps me honest that way.

I feel like I have PTSD from my childhood and my first marriage, not to mention being a major introvert. When Steve get even the least bit upset or angry, I just turn into that little girl again. He is nothing like my dad, but again triggers, and of course I do my usual Ms fix it, making excuses, coddling. He has his own triggers and baggage like most of us.

My frustration with this subject on my journey is the issue I still have of wanting his happiness and contentedness above my own spiritual journey, my full release of that wild woman. She tries to come out, and I know that if I am honoring her, I should speak the truth, she knows, I stifle her, because I don't want to hurt feelings, or ego's, or make apologies because someone I care about is feeling threatened or vulnerable.

I appreciate the fact that Steve and I have wonderful conversations, and share some really wonderfully crazy ideas, and dreams, that we are so much on the same wave. We share in meaningful rituals to honor that which is most important to us. We are for the most part in alignment , but there is always that lingering little resentment of a voice that really, truly wants to be heard, and not just heard but understood, oh she comes out, but only in the middle of or after an argument, but then she just sounds defensive and angry to the wounded ear.

My dear husband in an effort to gain insight and honor the sacred feminine took it upon himself to pick up 2 of my books and begin reading them, Dance of the Dissident Daughter, and Women Who Run with the Wolves. The transformation, is amazing; he came to me recently and said every man should read this. He told me that he was beginning to truly see and understand as well as respect and revere a woman's wild nature, and the sacred feminine. And he feels that men have been just as cheated as women, cheated in the sense that ancient wisdom was stifled. What really blew me away was the fact that last evening, he sat me down and told me he needed to know that he has come to realizations about our relationships, about his insecurities, his baggage, his conditioning.

How had always felt it was enough to appreciate and value me, and let me do my own thing, and try to be supportive. He said he always felt that he was open-minded, but he realized that even though he was not obviously pushing down my true nature, who I really am. That he really was doing just that, because he  knew that I cannot stand to see him in pain, or sad, or wanting and that I defer to him especially if he was angry or disappointed, he knew that I sat aside what I truly needed and wanted to make him feel better in the moment. He said he realized that he was in essence controlling me, by the fact that I would not really say what I really wanted to say, and that this was affecting me living in my true nature.

He said that while I came to him in this state of conditioning, but he had no right to use this against me, he realizes that this is what he has been doing.

He wants balance in our relationship, and would strive to keep himself and his intentions in check. We thought perhaps I should come up with a word when we are engaged and I am not feeling heard, or I am feeling manipulated, I should use the word to bring him back to center.

We have been getting along wonderfully lately, so the fact that he did this in a time of relative marital health instead a time of crisis is soul stirring, and endearing. I love my best friend....

I am not sure you care anything about my long story here, where I am currently on my journey, or what a monumental growth this is in my journey, my sacred partnership. It again proves to me that the Universe whispered my noblest of wishes and secret prayer into my loves ear. I can truly fully experience the Wild Woman, sacred feminine, knowing that I have been heard, and understood.

Sorry to be so rambley???? I would love to hear your thoughts, about anything really.  Living with a loved one with Bi Polar disorder,  spirituality and the role it plays in your relationships, co dependence, enabling..

Though her soul requires seeing, the culture around her requires sightlessness. Though her soul wishes to speak its truth, she is pressured to be silent.” 
― Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype
    

BEING YOUR OWN ANIMAL

When reviewing, my life, my needs, my post they center around balance, and the potential disruption of that, how to step outside the bubble but maintain balance all the same. I find it is intriguing that the very thing that has helped me feel connected also challenges my balance. I have felt this for a while, since I first began my journey on a conscious level. I would not be at the point I am at without wonderful connections, and finding wonderful wild women on line, generously sharing their journey, offering guidance, and making me not feel crazy or alone, the flip side of this is the fact that at times I feel stuck and limited.

I really hate writing that, but it strikes me that many of the blogs and books I read and conversations I have lead me to realize that this is not an issue that I alone deal with. I have seen bloggers and friends on their journey seeing what great magic and medicine is being spun by their sisters and while completely inspiring, it sometimes makes them question their own journey, I get this sense. I will see an excitement, a whisper, a new found confidence, a plan spoken to the world, and then a pulling back, a quietening. A desire sometimes verbal sometimes not, that watching and listening to someone else's magic has made them question their own.  That they realize that they are not listening to their own voice anymore.

That is the delicate balance I suppose. To stay connected, and engaged, but at the same time following your own muse, and knowing that your magic is just as big, and is necessary for the collective whole.

So I guess let a bear be a bear, and an owl be an owl....and keep being your own animal with its own wild sacred nature.

Sorry if this is a jumble of a thought, just an observation, and something I have to gauge and honor in myself.

Does anyone else feel this way? or have tools, they use to stay true to their own magic while being awe struck with someone elses?    

DUALITY AND THE BLISS BUBBLE

When anyone ask me to sum up what I am looking for in my life, and as part of my journey. I will always say "balance" It has taken me a long time to achieve balance, and of course it requires a lot of nurturing and pushing forward and pulling back at times. It gives me a great sense of peace that I did not have for most of my life. I am so protective of my balance that I feel very threatened if anything comes into the mix that I feel will throw my world out of balance... It is fragile, and beautiful, but perhaps at times it keeps me in a bubble and a bit limited.

I am striving still and always for balance, and that will not change, because it just feels right. The change perhaps is that I now push myself in ways I never have. I am opening myself up and exposing my self to situations I never thought I would. Balance is just that balance. If I choose and i am mindful, and a little more at ease with my processes I can step out spontaneously and still have balance. Meaning that instead of setting such strong perimeters I just now let myself experience things a little more spontaneously. I am really trying to let myself just be, without the self scolding, of Why did you say that, Why did you do or not do that.

My break out lately to push full throttle into this (because for someone who needs balance, i am also a person that goes to extremes, the middle of the road holds little appeal) I have stopped for the most part, judging myself.

Lately, I have been giving myself a wide berth, of self expression without wondering what the consequences will be ( i usually fixate obsessively on this) Even in my diet, I try to be mindful, but if i want a cupcake damn it, so fucking what!

I think that is actually pretty good balance dont you, green smoothie or quinoa for breakfast, fruits and nuts for snack, salad for lunch, healthy dinner, and a decadent guilt free cupcake for dessert....

I just used that as an example, it goes much deeper than that. Basically it feels really good, not walking a tightrope all the time. Balance can still be achieved but an organic balance that has room for other people, other things, and ones fickleness.

Letting go of most of this rigidness, of worrying about my precious bubble of bliss, and what other people think has been strangely liberating.

I will wear what I please without wondering if someone is going to question if i looked in the mirror before I left the house.

Stating what I think and circles I never would have before for fear of insulting someones religous belief or politics.

And accepting my body image, and not looking at food as the enemy...

Sorry this was such a rambly post, just had to get the jumble out of my head, so i can move on....

Your thoughts on duality and balance?

The Embrace

Normally when winter makes its approach I concede grudgingly. The winter and I have never been friends. I did not like the cold, or early nightfall. I especially did not like the darkness that came to visit, in every way.

I refused to embrace it; instead, I would start out frustrated almost angry, I know to those who live in truly cold weather climates I will not receive any empathy here in Texas.

I would slowly give in, and agree to hibernate and cocoon for this season. Hibernate in the sense of a mind numbing idiot box, sleeping, sighing, huffing, just biding my time. I never even looked forward to Christmas or New Year in years past, for this very reason. To me the New Year did not start until March, then, then I could come alive.

This year is different, I am different, after all this time, all these years, I am different. This year I held a giddy excitement, not for the cold, not for Christmas, but for the wonderful shift in energy, an excitement really, like I was going on a great journey, but I did not quite know the destination.

This feeling, this attitude has served me well this winter season. I chose to open myself, to accept the healing, accept the nurturing, to accept that this was a time of depth, and planting ideas, planting those seeds that will bloom when full light returns.

This winter I not only embraced, I was embraced. I feel held, and still in the most beautiful of ways. Ways that made me understand that even my anxiety held hopes and was really just a cloak over the fireball of light that is building in me.

A couple of days ago, a deep fog rolled in, and for two days a slow steady rain fell. The kind of wetness that makes one dread the errands, the drive. This time it felt so good to me, the fog seemed to wrap itself around me, nurture me. The rain and cold gave me permission without guilt, to hide in the most wonderful of ways To light a fire, and get lost in...me. To turn off the distractions, to open the waiting books, to write poetry, to think and breathe deeply, to linger in indulgent moments of self love and gratitude.

I love this embrace, winters embrace.

Are you feeling the embrace?