When anyone ask me to sum up what I am looking for in my life, and as part of my journey. I will always say "balance" It has taken me a long time to achieve balance, and of course it requires a lot of nurturing and pushing forward and pulling back at times. It gives me a great sense of peace that I did not have for most of my life. I am so protective of my balance that I feel very threatened if anything comes into the mix that I feel will throw my world out of balance... It is fragile, and beautiful, but perhaps at times it keeps me in a bubble and a bit limited.
I am striving still and always for balance, and that will not change, because it just feels right. The change perhaps is that I now push myself in ways I never have. I am opening myself up and exposing my self to situations I never thought I would. Balance is just that balance. If I choose and i am mindful, and a little more at ease with my processes I can step out spontaneously and still have balance. Meaning that instead of setting such strong perimeters I just now let myself experience things a little more spontaneously. I am really trying to let myself just be, without the self scolding, of Why did you say that, Why did you do or not do that.
My break out lately to push full throttle into this (because for someone who needs balance, i am also a person that goes to extremes, the middle of the road holds little appeal) I have stopped for the most part, judging myself.
Lately, I have been giving myself a wide berth, of self expression without wondering what the consequences will be ( i usually fixate obsessively on this) Even in my diet, I try to be mindful, but if i want a cupcake damn it, so fucking what!
I think that is actually pretty good balance dont you, green smoothie or quinoa for breakfast, fruits and nuts for snack, salad for lunch, healthy dinner, and a decadent guilt free cupcake for dessert....
I just used that as an example, it goes much deeper than that. Basically it feels really good, not walking a tightrope all the time. Balance can still be achieved but an organic balance that has room for other people, other things, and ones fickleness.
Letting go of most of this rigidness, of worrying about my precious bubble of bliss, and what other people think has been strangely liberating.
I will wear what I please without wondering if someone is going to question if i looked in the mirror before I left the house.
Stating what I think and circles I never would have before for fear of insulting someones religous belief or politics.
And accepting my body image, and not looking at food as the enemy...
Sorry this was such a rambly post, just had to get the jumble out of my head, so i can move on....
Steve went out of town for a few days, at just the perfect time.. I needed some me time, which I rarely fully take. Being home alone lets me concentrate on me if I will. I decided that I need to have a date night with myself, perhaps just a whole romantic weekend indulging me, and showing myself love, compassion, and understanding... I am very much an over thinker, an analyzer, I am almost too objective if that is possible. I probably would have had a wonderful career as a mediator, as I am a creative problem solver, fair, tolerant, and compassionate. I played hookie from work on Friday, which is a bit unusual for me, but I needed it since, I knew I did not feel well, and I needed a full two days of me time, and I knew I would be working with my partners on our body product business on Sunday...
My Friday, I went thrift shopping, which is my favorite kind of shopping. bought some cute skirts, which i am growing more and more fond of, so much easier to throw on a skirt than snug into even the most comfortable pair of jeans, I do both, but I needed the romantic effortless flowy skirt...
The day was full of making myself breakfast, tidying up just a bit, hot bath... off to the store to buy food for just me, and a bottle of wine....
I bought myself a couple of new things to go with my thrifted skirts...
Movies galore I rented. It was a hot bath, comforting food (did I forget to mention the massive amount of dark chocolate?)
It was very nice and relaxing, and indulgent.... As I went to be I began to think of all the things that are fractured in my relationships with others, and wondered of course what I could do about that..... Wow, I had hoped I would fall into a sleep like a baby mode after the self love of the day...
Saturday-I had so many projects swirling in my head, art, beautification around the house, a movie and dinner by myself out perhaps.... I decided that I would do what I could, and not fret about the rest.... I did some re arranging, painted the front door a bold choice of a beautiful moss green, who would think it would take hours and 4 coats of paint to cover the door, the results were worth it.
Spent an hour or so with my mother...Another trip to the thrift store to try and show her that it takes diligence and some time to find what you are looking for at the thrift store, as unlike me she is very energetic and hyper, and gets distracted by shiny things, our joke.
I went home, lit some candles, poured a glass of wine, and tried on my new outfits, and lounged as i listened to a few cd's that I adore. Lucinder Williams, Neil Young etc... I dont think I anticipated the impact Lucinda would have on me with Lonely Girls, I usually listen to it, but I have never just listened to it un-destracted, I realized that I am indeed a lonely girl...My entire life I have never related to other women.. I always felt on the outside looking in, standing to the side, just plain strange like I was from another planet, and I dont get these people. As I moved into my late teens early twenties, my shyness and introversion (is that a word?) became mistaken for snobby. To make matters worse, and I can say this now that I am forty something, haha! I was very attractive (wow my hand even shook when I was typing that, hard to say about myself, even my 20 something self) I was thin, and athletic, yet busty, I was a little exotic looking with my dark olive skin, and green eyes, and light brown hair, and believe it or not this caused me great anxiety, because I wanted nothing more than to blend into a wall.
My point here is that girls just did not get me, and did not like me, and I think to a degree felt threatened by me... Boys were interested because of my looks, my vulnerability, and what they perceived as a challenge ( I definitely had a wall break down) and I guess a mysteriousness as I listened and talked very little.. While my female counterparts were doing everything they could for attention, and talking about themselves non stop, so when the new boy they were all eyeing across the room, would find me in my dark corner, well it did not go over well.
It is not what I wanted, it was just who I was...Unfortunately my inability to develop real meaningful relationships with women did not happen in my formative years, or teenage years, it is has affected me as an adult.. I felt very sad that on my me weekend the thought never entered my mind that I should be sharing this weekend with another woman a friend, and then it struck me that there is not one woman i feel completely comfortable with.. There are women I like and vice versa, and I can chat with, but to share vulnerable moments, meaningful moments, important things, it doesnt happen.
I only have myself to blame, if blame were assessed, and even though I really long for that, a woman that i can tell anything to, a woman who could understand my strangeness, my introversion, my quirky thought processes does it even matter anymore..
I closed my day with more chocolate, a box of hair dye ( I dont like salons, I know I told you I am not your average normal female bear) a very meaningful tranformative meditation.. I do want a tribe still, I have to start living in my heart more, and less in my head....
Sorry to go on so long, but this is my journal after all.
