BEING YOUR OWN ANIMAL

When reviewing, my life, my needs, my post they center around balance, and the potential disruption of that, how to step outside the bubble but maintain balance all the same. I find it is intriguing that the very thing that has helped me feel connected also challenges my balance. I have felt this for a while, since I first began my journey on a conscious level. I would not be at the point I am at without wonderful connections, and finding wonderful wild women on line, generously sharing their journey, offering guidance, and making me not feel crazy or alone, the flip side of this is the fact that at times I feel stuck and limited.

I really hate writing that, but it strikes me that many of the blogs and books I read and conversations I have lead me to realize that this is not an issue that I alone deal with. I have seen bloggers and friends on their journey seeing what great magic and medicine is being spun by their sisters and while completely inspiring, it sometimes makes them question their own journey, I get this sense. I will see an excitement, a whisper, a new found confidence, a plan spoken to the world, and then a pulling back, a quietening. A desire sometimes verbal sometimes not, that watching and listening to someone else's magic has made them question their own.  That they realize that they are not listening to their own voice anymore.

That is the delicate balance I suppose. To stay connected, and engaged, but at the same time following your own muse, and knowing that your magic is just as big, and is necessary for the collective whole.

So I guess let a bear be a bear, and an owl be an owl....and keep being your own animal with its own wild sacred nature.

Sorry if this is a jumble of a thought, just an observation, and something I have to gauge and honor in myself.

Does anyone else feel this way? or have tools, they use to stay true to their own magic while being awe struck with someone elses?    

DUALITY AND THE BLISS BUBBLE

When anyone ask me to sum up what I am looking for in my life, and as part of my journey. I will always say "balance" It has taken me a long time to achieve balance, and of course it requires a lot of nurturing and pushing forward and pulling back at times. It gives me a great sense of peace that I did not have for most of my life. I am so protective of my balance that I feel very threatened if anything comes into the mix that I feel will throw my world out of balance... It is fragile, and beautiful, but perhaps at times it keeps me in a bubble and a bit limited.

I am striving still and always for balance, and that will not change, because it just feels right. The change perhaps is that I now push myself in ways I never have. I am opening myself up and exposing my self to situations I never thought I would. Balance is just that balance. If I choose and i am mindful, and a little more at ease with my processes I can step out spontaneously and still have balance. Meaning that instead of setting such strong perimeters I just now let myself experience things a little more spontaneously. I am really trying to let myself just be, without the self scolding, of Why did you say that, Why did you do or not do that.

My break out lately to push full throttle into this (because for someone who needs balance, i am also a person that goes to extremes, the middle of the road holds little appeal) I have stopped for the most part, judging myself.

Lately, I have been giving myself a wide berth, of self expression without wondering what the consequences will be ( i usually fixate obsessively on this) Even in my diet, I try to be mindful, but if i want a cupcake damn it, so fucking what!

I think that is actually pretty good balance dont you, green smoothie or quinoa for breakfast, fruits and nuts for snack, salad for lunch, healthy dinner, and a decadent guilt free cupcake for dessert....

I just used that as an example, it goes much deeper than that. Basically it feels really good, not walking a tightrope all the time. Balance can still be achieved but an organic balance that has room for other people, other things, and ones fickleness.

Letting go of most of this rigidness, of worrying about my precious bubble of bliss, and what other people think has been strangely liberating.

I will wear what I please without wondering if someone is going to question if i looked in the mirror before I left the house.

Stating what I think and circles I never would have before for fear of insulting someones religous belief or politics.

And accepting my body image, and not looking at food as the enemy...

Sorry this was such a rambly post, just had to get the jumble out of my head, so i can move on....

Your thoughts on duality and balance?

The Embrace

Normally when winter makes its approach I concede grudgingly. The winter and I have never been friends. I did not like the cold, or early nightfall. I especially did not like the darkness that came to visit, in every way.

I refused to embrace it; instead, I would start out frustrated almost angry, I know to those who live in truly cold weather climates I will not receive any empathy here in Texas.

I would slowly give in, and agree to hibernate and cocoon for this season. Hibernate in the sense of a mind numbing idiot box, sleeping, sighing, huffing, just biding my time. I never even looked forward to Christmas or New Year in years past, for this very reason. To me the New Year did not start until March, then, then I could come alive.

This year is different, I am different, after all this time, all these years, I am different. This year I held a giddy excitement, not for the cold, not for Christmas, but for the wonderful shift in energy, an excitement really, like I was going on a great journey, but I did not quite know the destination.

This feeling, this attitude has served me well this winter season. I chose to open myself, to accept the healing, accept the nurturing, to accept that this was a time of depth, and planting ideas, planting those seeds that will bloom when full light returns.

This winter I not only embraced, I was embraced. I feel held, and still in the most beautiful of ways. Ways that made me understand that even my anxiety held hopes and was really just a cloak over the fireball of light that is building in me.

A couple of days ago, a deep fog rolled in, and for two days a slow steady rain fell. The kind of wetness that makes one dread the errands, the drive. This time it felt so good to me, the fog seemed to wrap itself around me, nurture me. The rain and cold gave me permission without guilt, to hide in the most wonderful of ways To light a fire, and get lost in...me. To turn off the distractions, to open the waiting books, to write poetry, to think and breathe deeply, to linger in indulgent moments of self love and gratitude.

I love this embrace, winters embrace.

Are you feeling the embrace?

The Uprush

I have been a little disappointed lately, my anxiety hit out of no where beginning in December, and appears to be somewhat subsiding, now that I have found the culprit.  My anxiety generally begins with an irrational fear, and escalates. It usually last for a very brief time and is very physical in nature, and obviously appears triggered by some chemical imbalance.  This anxiety is one that I have not experienced in quite a while. That slow building, blooming anxiety that creaks into every crevice setting up house. I had an idea of the potential cause, and it is kind of crazy I guess. It is the Up-rush.... I truly believe that we are closer to the light and that  the cosmic shift we are experiencing is really lending itself to creativity among other things. My creativity with my poetry for instance has sat dormant for 20 years, but now I am bursting at the seams with it. So many ideas so many projects I want to take on and complete. So much new found confidence, new ideas. I now have (3) Etsy Shops, and the ideas just keep coming. Along with the frustration that I am only one person with limited resources, and time. This Up rush of energy and creativity is doing battle with the procrastinating insecure, and financially and time stretched me...

Once I realized the issue, I have to say that it is a wonderful problem to have. I know this because I have spent so much time in the dark, under the covers, hiding my eyes, shielding my heart, doubting my dreams that this is new to me. 

I will embrace this UP-RUSH!! and meet it with everything I have, I will do it, until I have done it.... I will do what I can, and not put aside any of these dreams, ideas, wishes.... 

Are you experiencing anxiety or the creative or spiritual rush brought on by shifting our cosmos our universe? I would love to hear.... 

GAIA'S LAMENT

I recently had a very meaningful journey while meditating. It resulted in my offering this writing to GAIA for the New Year. With a hope that we will all embrace her, and free ourselves to the wild beautiful.

GAIA'S LAMENT

She steadies her strong once lush abundant forest legs.

Ancient Father Cedar and brother Oak reaching up and outward, they know, they have seen, and see
but do not understand being laid bare.

The undulating of her belly and womb of primal sea pulsating and flowing, teaming with life, first life, only now polluted.

Sternum, chest, breast, strong shoulders of mountainous ranges. Sensual, magical majestic carrying the weight and joy of harsh and wild beautiful. Speaking to those who will not hear.

Face and nape of stretching, burning, blowing gypsy desert. Moving, shifting ancient knowing, but falling on deaf hearts and minds.

Her dreaming mind full of celestial imaginings, in clouds, stars and such. The same mind and heart that grieves of painful demise, and rebirth over millenia.

Her beloved human children have separated from her bosom and have lost the knowledge and love that she is.

The beloved have forgotten to be still with the trees, to be free like the desert sand and wind.

The beloved have forgotten the lesson of strength and wisdom taught by the mountain and being birthed by stardust and sea.

The mother laments, but the mother  knows that it will begin once again like many times before. The rebirth the renewal, another chance for the beloved's to love, dwell, be and know.


(I am an amateur writer, and this is my simple humble offering to our Mother)

Papi & The Buddha

My favorite little cuddle buddy. My handsome little papi. I was thinking this morning about the fact that even though I am not Buddhist, but do appreciate and try to practice a Buddhist philosophy, I have a shit load of Buddhas, they give me a since of calm and peace. Can someone have to many Buddha's? What does any of that have to do with my cuddle buddy. Papi is the most multi faceted dogs I have ever known. He is a flirt, he has a sense of fairness, a since of little Alpha authority, confidence, a wicked sense of humor, and he is very introspective, and in fact he may very well be a Buddhist. You see when he was a wee pup, I came home one day, I noticed his 8 inch tall new puppy self standing in front of my 3 foot tall Buddha, as I approached I noticed that Papi had given an offering to Buddha, I was not pleased, I was very angry, now years later, and not long after the fact it makes me laugh hard at the thought of it.. You see Papi had somehow backed himself up at least a foot onto the Buddha, and left a steaming prize right dead center in the Buddha's hands. It struck me later that he really put a lot of effort, for either dog laughs, or giving the only offering he had... I am taking pics of all my Buddha's today. I love them. The broken Buddha head is one of the oldest one I have, Steve's uncle got him back in the 50's or 60's, and it is the one that Papi....favored....and he was broken during a move. He always looks like he is in nirvana, and will open his eyes at any moment... I love it.

Christmas Morning, Like no other

I suppose I have staved this off for longer than many. My daughters are 22 and 28 years old. Neither are married or have children. Even though they live on their own, I always make them come over Christmas Eve, and spend the night, so we can celebrate Christmas Eve, and Christmas morning and make our family rounds.

My older daughter Setara now has a fiance and a new home, she lives in Texas but they travel to Los Angeles to spend time with his family for 10 days over Christmas and New Years.

My youngest daughter, just has a busy lifestyle so we Celebrated our Christmas on Sunday. This is the first Christmas that I have woken up, to a dark quiet house with no plan, no excitement, no activity. Dont get me wrong it sounds depressing, but it is just different. I suppose these are usually the gaps filled in by grand children, i have not been in a hurry for them, but I am sure for some this quiet can get deafening. I dwell and revel in the quiet, but there is indeed a touch of sadness this morning...

But I will not do guilt, or sadness, as a mother can, I will do joy, and open arms and do what is right for you always.

A storm rolled in over night, all night....I think a blast of cold and perhaps snow will follow.

I may not always be the compass for my loves, but I will always be their rock.

This will be a self care Christmas I believe...