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What I read this morning, and so needed to read at this moment. It voiced where I am in this moment. It was from Awakening Shakti author listed below. Why do you wait? There really is no point (anymore) to these veils you hang between you and this world. I'm not asking you to answer that question. In fact, the analyzing, trying desperately to figure out "why?" is one of the ropes that has wrapped around you and pulled you deeper under ground into your dark comfortable loneliness. It's a trick you play on yourself. "If I watch myself watching the world from this safe place long enough, I'll be able calculate the distance form here to there, orient myself to this and that, then draw a map of all of it. THEN, when I've memorized the map, I'll make a plan, I'll figure out the various entry points, noting my emergency escape routes, THEN I'll contemplate how to begin my journey." It is simply exHAUSting. So there you sit, in your analysis paralysis, spinning off into goddess knows where when ..... Here is Here. (How could it be anywhere else?) You are You. (Stop trying to be anyone else!) You are already Here. You are smack center where you have always wanted to be. You are already Home. ~ Toi Lynn Wyle

Leo Moon

Oh you fierce LEO Moon. Last night such a beautiful Orb.

Barefoot in green grass, this moon pulled me in and swept me up. The fairies joined as well

A re-do and Sticky Stuff

Hmmm! Firstly the sticky stuff, the stuff that keeps you quiet and scratching your head, and holding your heart. I need to make up with someone, and by make up I mean I can never go back and fix it, and i cannot do what they want me to do with my life....Because honestly I am a complex person, in that I kind of find comfort in my dark corners, and that makes a lot of people, namely people that mean everything to me worried. Worried I suppose that I am settling, that I am not living the life they saw for me???????? At any rate the make up, is really sticky because you see, I cannot breath without these loves, and I cannot stop being me either. I just have to be less me in their presence. Does any of this make sense?? I am such a flood of emotions, I am thrilled because we are finally coming together, a healing of sorts is taking place, I hope. I am a little sad because I mourn the before fall out era, I am a little angry because I have to walk lightly and watch my words, until this tender thing heals, and maybe for ever with them. I love them, I need them, the inner conflict goes on, and as much as it goes against what i am trying to accomplish in my journey, i will meet them where they are, and I will honor them, and their truth, and my responsibility for them.

On a lighter note a Re-Do, a rusty, dirty little thing for $6.00 at a barn sale. I cannot wait to have my way with her. I have already started the cleaning and sanding. I can tell you that the rust will stay. I love rich wood, but this girl is getting a bleached wood stain grayish in tone, to highlight all of that rusty mechanical goodness from the 20's or 30's. I will need to decide which fabric she will wear. I will show an after shortly. I am sanding, cleaning, and being very impatient. Happy Valentine's Day Love. I cannot wait to participate in Sage Goddess Full Moon Ritual this evening.

Finding my Joy

Joy was the word I chose for 2014. There are more that I want to live by, and work through for 2014 but living in joyful moments is necessary for me now. I need to find and acknowledge joy in even the most fleeting of moments, create joy. My goal is of course living in the moment, showing up. I will acknowledge here my joy in the small and not so small, as a prayer of gratitude. As I said in my last post, i am working on creating a healing, sacred, thriving space for myself and my home. It is my meditation room/office?? It is a work in progress, but right now the colors, and the pieces of things I treasure are giving me peace and Joy! That last pic is the before picture, of my gloomy office. I feel like i can breathe in here now, and i feel held in here. Still working on making it very special. I would love to see or hear about your sacred space, or you plans for a space. I think we can carve out any small space and just claim it, I plan on doing this around my home.

Healing Space

I have been obsessively creating my office/meditation space,and it is almost complete, well never really complete, but rather ready. Ready to nurture, heal, and hold me. Last night I participated in Sage Goddess online live full moon ritual, and what a treat for body and soul. The Wolf Moon was beautiful last night with a warm glow. I do believe however it was contributing to a lethargy and physical heaviness i was feeling yesterday and last evening, all week really, just pushing myself slow and steady with the help of DH to make my space right. I bathed in my primal sea detox clay, salts, kelp, essential oils. Drank lots of water, lit candles, incense, sage, and annointed with Lavender essential oil. I felt warm and embraced in my little healing space. The ritual with energetic and powerful, I believe the energy we shared created healing in each of us, and anyone in our thoughts, hearts, and spheres. I am coming along, my space is coming along, there are still things to do, and there always will be. I brought in things i had held onto that were waiting for a space, i painted my walls a vibrant yet warm green, with accents of turquoise. I bought what I refer to as "Groovy Buddha" at an estate sale a few days ago, when I saw my 60's 70's retro Buddha I thought I would paint him, but just cant, the thought and care someone putting into making this ceramic buddha that many years ago is sweet, with his orange peely paint, silver accents, for now he will remain unchanged. I still need to bring a rug, some special art, etc... but I will post a pic of where I am now on the process. The desk will get a remake, i am attempting to recreate the look of a zinc top, my office chair will get recovered in vintage burlap coffee sack, my mother is recovering my pouf. Coming along. Have you created your healing space?

Falling off the edge of the Earth

I tell you folks for an introvert, going through some deep soul work of the dark kind it is difficult to maintain relationships. I wish I could explain to people in a way they understand that my introversion, my need for solitude, my drawing inward is not an intentional pulling away, but I guess it is none the less. I am dangerous zone now, cleaning, organizing, contemplating, and barely leaving the house, solitude is like a pacifier for me, but it can also be a bit maddening, deep in your own thoughts, your own crazy thoughts. I have only had a couple of close friendships, and they understand, because for the most part they are much like me, as a result, the need for solitude, and the general lack of need for constant maintenance the friendships have turned into we see and talk to each other rarely, the up side, we have no doubt that in the toughest times, they will be the ones that will be there. On days like the ones lately I have to admit that I dont feel like a good friend. I am not good at nurturing friendships, part of this is made of equal parts - introversion, insecurity (not enoughness),and a fucked up fathers view points and perimeters of friendships as i was growing up, and anxiety namely social anxiety. Most females in my life growing up, never bothered to try to see past these issues, and just assumed that i was a snob, which is so far from the truth. The ones that have, are the ones I mentioned above. I have a friend that will always tell me what i want to hear, and one that tells me the hard truths, but those relationships are reserved for catastrophic life events, does that make any sense???? Crazy I know. I have a couple of friends that seem so unorthodox and unlikely that it puzzles. We have so little in common, I do not understand their way of moving in the world, and they do not understand mine. However; for some reason they like me, they bring out something in me that feels like a breath of fresh air, something alien to my permanent way of being a vacation from inside my head with terrible jokes, shallow meaningless conversations, and laughter that makes me ache. I have been remiss, one of my Buddy's as we call each other, one of the frivolous kind, well we met at work, she left over a year ago, and of course I left a couple of months ago, nothing was the same for me at that point at work, and i was neglectful at keeping that alive, it seemed just that too frivolous too lacking in substance. She has reached out to me a few times, lets have lunch?, lets have dinner? Something always came up for me, or I wasnt in a place where i felt i could be in her world on that particular day. I was laying in bed a couple of nights ago, thinking about the last time we were all together, and how silly joyful, i was thinking how rare that is for me. I was thinking about a group of people i worked with, who brought out something in me i had not seen in a long time, something I liked, something that made me feel alive and apart of something. They have all reached out to me, but I have just barely reached back. all of the sudden, even though I know that in general the dynamic has been divided, i missed it terribly, i felt like such a squanderer? I guess I am on a constant search for sisters that get me. A circle, that is why the web has become important to me. Sometimes with the exception a few comments, i feel that i am just speaking out into space, bearing my feelings and thoughts boring and self indulgent though they may be to something that may not exist for me. I told my "buddy" that I missed her and had not seen her in too long, and that I wanted to take her to lunch this week, and that I am sorry that I cancelled on her before. Her response to me which at that moment was very profound " Its not my fault, I tried to catch you before you fell of the edge of the earth" and that is what it feels like, like I am letting myself fall off the edge of the earth, and if i am not careful, there may a whole lot of nothing but me there. My world is getting smaller, and I need to put the brakes on that. Not sure if any of this rambling made any sense???? Would love to know your out there in deep space of the interwebs.

Clearing Space, Claiming Space

Finally in a place of clearing space, in my home, heart, and mind for the abundance of experience i want to claim for 2014 and forward. My office became a catch all, it got to a point where it felt like it was moving in on me. Obviously if I plan to run a successful business i need a nurturing space to do it in. A space that is sacred, clear, and special, as well as highly functional for business purposes. It is important to me that each room in my home functions, and each room contains natural elements and sacred spaces. Doing the cathartic work of moving cleaning, planning organizing, but with an eye and plan towards making my office a meditation, healing space as well. I cant wait to share when i am done. My little apothecary corner, my altar, feels so freeing. My home looks like a tornado hit it, with DH and I pulling everything out of its cubby holes, hiding places, and dark corners. When you are stuck in, on dark dreary days, it is the perfect opportunity to purge, and make the hard decisions, to choose to really live and thrive in your space. Will we ever be minimalist, ah No! I like open clean spaces without clutter, but I also loves bits and pieces around me that connect me to mama earth, and just little things that make me sigh with delight. Are you clearing space these days?