What the Wasp told me

A few days ago I noticed a wasp on my bath tub. Not your usual manic, buzzing wasp. My wasp was slow moving and docile. He seemed to be very aware of me, and to be looking at me. I let him be, after all he wasn't bothering me. I did wonder how he ventured into my home and bathroom. The next morning I saw wasp, he seemed to be content humming, buzzing low as if to get my attention. I said thank you for not stinging me, and letting me know where you are since it is morning, i am foggy and groping in the blur of morning. The following morning, there was wasp sitting on a container. He was completely tucked in. Wings close to his body, as were his antenna. I thought he is either dead or sleeping, as he was so extremely purely still. I took the opportunity to look at him closely, and then started my brushing my teeth, a mere foot from him. He awoke startled awake, antenna and wings fully extended and apparent confusion. I stepped to the other stink and gave him his space. I came home tonight and again he was there. I thought wow what is he surviving on . I mean I really dont know what wasp sustain themselves with, i put sugar and water on a saucer, and moved him toward it, he looked appreciative, it a wasp can look or be appreciative. Why did not I not remove the wasp to the great outdoors. Because he was talking to me, and giving me his medicine. He told me that he was a communicator, that he represented order and productivity. He told me that I should ask myself if I am was in alignment with my deepest desires and goals. If I was doing my part to bring to fruition that which i seek. My answer to wasp was while I had desire, and I was practicing Alchemy in my life, I had failed to keep my dreams at the forefront and important. The wasp told me that it is good to be an Alchemist, but is just as important to be an Architect for my life to build upon the seeds that i have planted. To build a strong foundation, and a well planned journey with preparedness of spirit and an expectation of complete alignment. 

Well that was what he wanted to say. After realizing my friend and I were bonding, I researched to determine what the wasp represented to determine the medicine he was trying to deliver. What I discovered was this: 

Those with the wasp as their totem may learn more by asking these questions of themselves, and calling upon the wasp for more clarification.  Wasps are perfect totems for those of us who need a bit of organized focus, and assistance with assertive communication. The wasp can also help in areas of building, whether it be a new home, or building on a dream - the wasp is a master architect and can guide you with the planning of any building project you have in mind.

I realized what wasp was trying to convey. I have to put the plan to work, i have to nurture it, and continue to care for it. To set a clear intention and move in that direction. That I must be strong and communicate my needs and expectations to those closest to me. 

I will set wasp free tomorrow. 

Grown up Wounds

It's so hard, you know you think the hard part with your kids, is just getting them safe and grown, with love and guidance, and every lesson you can think of. In many ways it is easier when they are grown, your time becomes your own again, a luxury as it were. A chance to dwell within yourself and search, but in many ways it is harder, because when your children are grown the wounds are very different. You want to stand back and let them work out their own issues and responsibilities, and aside from that you really have no say in the matter any more, you have to request permission to intervene, to offer advice. Right now my baby, my 22 year old baby is hurting, and it is killing me. It is killing me because I know the pain she is in, the anxiety, anger, and depression... The realization that you have to do something, but you have no idea what that might be. It is easy to say that their lives are theirs, and you need to let them pick up the pieces and pull themselves up, but that deep aching primal maternal instinct wants to shield and protect. I know she is not a baby, and I do not baby her, but she reached out to me in such a way that brings me back to that little girl, that angry little anxious girl that lost her Dad when she was six years old, now depression, with learning the true colors of those she trusted. I offer her words of encouragement, hugs and prayers, but in reality if you told me that i could take all of this pain away from her and put it on myself I would...That is what I would do for my baby both of them, but I cant as I must honor her journey and know that this is part of it. One thing that i am pleased about is her willingness to talk to a Doctor, not only a willingness but a desperate want, when in the past she refused. I am just blathering here, I think that nothing can bring you more pain, and more joy than motherhood.

Self Care

I have really committed myself to my spiritual journey, and now more so my physical journey.  Being gentle with myself over the last few months has truly made me value myself so much more. Wanting more for this body, wanting to move forward and do the things I want to accomplish with strength, resolve, and stamina. I have banished my bad carb addiction, as well as my processed sugar addiction. Getting rid of my wheat belly from gluten.

This is work but I am worth it.

Self care these days, include healthy eating that fit into my needs and lifestyle. Good carbs, fruits, massive amounts of veggies and lean meats.

Saying no, pulling into center when others attempt to disrupt my energy and balance in a negative way.

Some of the things I am loving right now for a healthy me.

Breakfast, the good old green smoothie of course, but lately summer oatmeal, OMG! have you tried this.

Oatmeal in a refreshing way. You may actually prepare in small mason jars and they keep in the fridge for up to (5) days with the exception of banana. You put it in the fridge before bed and this next morning, eat it cold or put it in the microwave

Uncooked Old Fashioned Oats, Almond Milk (any milk will do) , and the add ins you choose, fruits, nuts, coconut, cinnamon. The combos are endless.

My 2 faves right now.

Oats, almond milk, raisins, slivered almonds, shredded unsweetened coconut, cinnamon, and a half teaspoon of coconut sugar.

Next:  Oats, almond milk, banana, coconut, almond slivers, and raw organic cocoa, again a little coconut sugar.

These are wonderful for breakfast, and healthy. They run between 220 and 250 calories depending on your add ins, for a cup.

I will try peanut butter, banana and cocoa soon. I am addicted to these, and they help me get my grains in.

Copious amounts of green tea, and oolong tea, comfort and joy, oh my!

This physical journey has more do with health, and energy, but I wont lie, the weight loss is very important to me as well, and I have been very pleased.

...and learning that if I honor my body, it will honor me, just as my spirit is honored by my life lesson, and rituals.

How does self care look for you right now? I would love to hear what you are doing to honor your body.

Those Dormant Seeds

I haven't been here in a bit. The delicate green of spring is emerging from my center, just barely peeking above the readied soil. It has been laying in its dark rich place awaiting that nudge, and what a nudge. Some dark things have come up for me lately.  I have always felt with the exception of the mother guilt which I feel I have made great strides in overcoming, I perhaps did not take complete ownership of my part of damage done to other hearts, and souls.

For a couple of reasons 1. I was weighing the pain said person cause me vs. what I could have possibly caused them 2. I did not feel that I was signifigant enough to have mattered an iota to them. 

I wont go into any great detail but basically, again opening myself to lessons this incarnation has to offer me, I have been daydreaming, and lucid dreaming about events in my life, with certain people, rather like watching a movie, but I am on the other end of my own cutting, biting words and actions, and I get to feel what that person may have felt. How that must have hurt. It was an eye opener, and a heart opener for me.

I just apologize to that person with all my heart in my heart, I push away everything they did to me, or everything I perceived had been done to me. Took me out of the equation, and made it about that person. Acknowledged the pain and the hurt.  Do I need to reach out to that person(s) that I no longer have contact with. The answer for me is no. 

My soul has reached out, my soul has acknowledged the shortcomings and roles I have played with these souls. 

I can only believe that there is some deep soul work going on, that I dont completely understand yet, but it must be necessary. A cleaning house of sorts for new things to grow, so that I may see myself in a new light. So that I may treat others differently in future. 

The rub for me in all of this, as I have moved through life with people telling me that I am too compassionate, to nice, to tolerant, that perhaps I forgot how capable I was of causing deep pain to someone, and not fully acknowledging it. 

Are you sprouting from dark places, reaching for the sun?  Let me know what this new season is shining a light on for you. I would love to hear. 

Disturbing Chem trails

Watch this if you have a few minutes to spare. I was skeptical at first, but the video is an eye opener.

Season of the New

Here is also a new, I have never like pictures of myself, so I will start posting them more often, until I stop cringing. Not that I think you have any desire to see pics of me, but learning to love myself a little more in a different way. . 

I am really excited about this year, this is the season of the New, the Year of the New! I certainly felt a shift of energy, and I am unsure where this is taking us, but doors and windows to hearts and souls have been open, everyone I know is in creative overdrive, and spirituality is a driving force. There is a lot of self care at work in my heart and home. It is still work, I long for the day when it is natural and not something I have to actively think about doing.

 I have a bit of a Martyr Syndrome. In the past I seemed to think that the more I did without, the more I suffered, the more I sacrificed,  I am not really sure what I really thought about why, and what it meant, what was I gaining, what was I punishing myself for.. Oh yes so many things...

Over the last couple of months I have been saying yes to myself, my heart so much more. I have tried to stop always doing the hard thing. This is new for me, to stop and say I matter, my comfort, my needs, my wants, matter so much.  I have never really pampered myself, I have always been the strong one, and when I used to get angry at people for holding me to that standard and they would reward me with compassion, and affection, I realized that this would not do either, I did not want to be coddled and needy, to need anyone Else's help. I would push them away.

It is a joke in my family, don't ever ask me if I need help because the answer will always be no. The answer for them if they choose, is to just to do it.  I am trying to change this, this need to be independent, strong,  and for all of them to never forget it.

I used to be hurt by the fact that during tragedies in my life I did not feel that my mother, or my sister were really truly there for me, they gave me little comfort, did not offer help, but when my sister had any type of a set back she received all of those things.  I realized something, when my sister is hurting, or in need she actively seeks it out, she will call me or my mother or both, and say I am hurting here, I don't know what to do, please help me, please talk to me or just listen, please let me know that you accept me.

I on the other hand would throw up a wall, I am fine, I just want to be alone, I can do this, thanks but no thanks, gee I wonder why they weren't all lined up to be there for me, cant say that I blame them. I don't know where this comes from, I have always been this way.  When I get hurt, as in injured I want to be left the hell alone, when I was a child and would get hurt, I went from being shy and quite to a raving maniac of get away, don't touch, don't look, my mother said I would turn into a wild animal when I was hurt.

I think I have something to learn from my little sister.

I am trying tame yet honor that wild animal.  I will stop myself now, before I say no, before I insist on taking on a burden, of any type, my heart will say, please be gentle, please be loving to you. It is getting easier. I just need to define it for myself, it is not weak, it is honoring myself, it is honoring woman. I know I can do the hard things, I just don't have to.

Wow got on a rampage, went in a different direction than I intended, I guess my heart had other thoughts it wanted to spill, Phew!

Okay back to the New. This year is a year of Newness for me, of getting out of my rut, of saying yes to me. of doing simple things like committing to go see live music or a play every month of the year. To start a yoga class and stick with it, to do an activity whether is soul lodge or other soul edifying activities. To meditate, and to commit random acts of kindness to create madly, to love madly.

Here is also a new, I have never like pictures of myself, so I will start posting them more often, until I stop cringing. Not that I think you have any desire to see pics of me, but learning to love myself a little more in a different way. .

I just let my heart and fingers ramble tonight.   Do you feel the Season of the New?

WHAT GIVES ME COMFORT

At the moment, while embracing this quiet reflective meditative seed planting time I find great comfort in small things. This is what self care looks like for me at the moment

1. Books- Women who run with the Wolves, read slowly and sporadically as needed like a good dose of wild medicine. In the middle of  The Alchemist by Coehlo, and when that is finished I will move onto the Dance of the Dissident Daughter.
2. Music- Deep and Soulful to the bones.
3. Romance watching my husband in art creation mode, he is illuminated and there is nothing sexier
4. Movies- Beast of the Southern Wild
5. Medicine for the Soul- Pixie Campbell's January Soul Lodge and a meaningful journey with Grand Mother Bear.
6. Body Medicine- Long Hot baths with my homemade bath de-tox, herbs and vitamins, green smoothies, and soon very soon, a journey for the body to gather strength, and be fully fit. Good Food.
7. Meaningful Connections

I turned 48 years old today, and this old Aquarius embraced this day. The Crone is making my heart wiser and my intuition stronger.

What is giving you comfort these days???